My Personal Year in Review....with some major tangents

It's been a fairly amazing year....one of the most stressful of my life, yet not necessarily BAD stress....just large amounts of stress in various ways.

Some quick highlights:

Politics and News - I'm usually not very political, but this has to be the most interesting year politically I've ever experienced. From Hillary being the first female major presidential candidate, who I supported whole-heartedly, to Obama winning a hard-fought primary and becoming the first black party-nominee for president and who I also supported whole-heartedly after Hillary dropped out....to Obama becoming the historic first black president and more importantly to me, him getting Republicans out of office. Then of course there is the economic news....all of it bad. And sports news....the Olympics were SOOOO much fun for me....I bought a Terabyte drive for my Tivo so I could tape as much as I wanted, and I'm STILL watching the Olympics now. Last night I finished up watching the Pairs Synchronized Swimming and I still have probably 30-40 more hours to watch.

Marriage - Politics lead to personal life - There was Prop 8 in California to overturn the legalization of gay marriage there....which of course affected me directly since George and I got married in California this year. Getting married was a true experience as I've blogged about already.

Music - As I've also blogged about already, I picked up two new instruments this fall and struggled mightily with one and feeling mostly successful with the other one, right up until the moment I played my big solo. Music was stressful this year because of the new instruments, new conductor for the band, new friends I've become close to and because we played too many concerts in the band, leading to constant rehearsals to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.

Health - I had two health scares with George this year. He has something weird going on with his eye that no one can tell us for certain what it is. It's bloodshot, tearing and bulging out making his eyes uneven, giving him double vision at times....this has been going on for months and all they are doing it 'monitoring it'. They think it's thyroid related, but nothing shows on tests and they won't treat until something does. So we wait.... Then in November he started complaining about knee pain....turned out to be a torn meniscus and he had to have surgery....which luckily went well and he's almost recovered. Also had a scare with Skippy where I thought we were losing him....and it happened of course at 10:30 at night AFTER I bowled and got home and George was laid up with his knee so I got to do it alone. He apparently must've swallowed something and was acting drugged up, but all I knew was he was confused and not himself and it seemed very bad. About $1100 and much stress later, we dont' have a clue what it was, but he's ok now. He's approaching 15, but doing well.

Bowling and Socializing - George never gets out unless I drag him out. So this year I got us to join the gay bowling league, despite the fact that he didn't really want to do it. Although I like bowling, I'm already busy many nights, and I did NOT need something else to do. However, he has no such activities and I wanted to find something to do together, so I forced the issue. I mostly enjoyed it and I think he did too, to a point. But first opportunity he had, he ditched it and now I'm stuck doing it by myself....another activity to take up another of my nights. Something came up at his work every other Thursday evening, and rather than telling them that he had a committment or see if there was anything he could do about it, he literally LEPT at my off-handed suggestion that he tell Steve to find someone else. Sure the job is more important, but it would've been nice if he had tried or at least investigated. Most places will understand if you already had a committment and will attempt to accomodate you. Guess we'll never know now and I'm feeling very stuck....yes, I'm very annoyed. I've been trying to just forget it because it just causes me stress to talk about it and the 2nd half of the year is just starting. And George asked me if I was just going to drop out too.....I can't do that to Steve or Jeff and feel a responsibility once I start something to see it through....thanks Mom :(.

Home - We finally got off our rears and did something to the house this year, and typical of me, dove in head first and did the kitchen as our first major project. Ultimately it was very successful and we are happy....and I truly think that overall we had it pretty easy as home projects go, but living with no kitchen for months was stressful.

Personal Life - I've struggled alot with depression this year and feel like I may be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, questioning everything, but especially myself. I discovered that I really don't like myself very much and am struggling to overcome it.

Relationships - I became much closer to several friends this year, and at the same time, feel like no one really knows me and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my personal feelings....except maybe my friend Jackie in Ohio. Here's an example....playing the Traces solo at the DCDD concert was huge for me this year. I was struggling musically because of the tuba and feeling like a failure at the time. Trombone was keeping me more musically sane because it was so much more natural for me. And I practiced the solo really hard (for me) and thought I was going to kick butt....and when the solo came and went, I did 'ok', basically. Although it was not horrible, it also was not memorable or even particularly good. In my heart it felt like a major failure again. I was really, really upset about it for several days, but felt like I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't get many comments and the comments I did get were mostly 'good for someone who just picked up the instrument'. That is a back-assed comment and hurt a lot more than it helped. I am a musician, and I wanted to be GREAT, period, not good for someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about how I really felt about it, and every time I tried I would just hear comments along the lines of the one above and that I'm too hard on myself. when I finally wrote to Jackie and admitted that I felt I might've been better off never trying the solo, she did what she and I always do....reached through the computer and slapped me.....told me like it really is and put it in perspective. She made me understand that the comments were not insults at all, that I am a perfectionist (never thought that about myself) about some things like this and that (and this is a quote) "I am completely crazy for telling myself that I shouldn't have tried it....I should be praising myself for having the courage to push beyond my comfort zone." I also realized from all of that how passive agressive I can be....I desparately needed comments from friends to tell me that I played well....validation I guess because tuba had shaken my confidence. Some people I was sure I would hear from barely said a word, which shook my confidence even more.

In any case Jackie....thanks. As usual you know me better than anyone else since you and I are so much alike in many ways. We understand each other so completely. I used to feel that with Genilee but that went away a few years back. I don't have that with anyone else right now. None of my in town friends really know me very well....my own fault probably.

Obviously I also have a very fragile ego. I dont' have a lot of confidence in anything I do, and music is the one place where I normally have quite a bit. This year has harmed that confidence. And I'm disappointed that no one tried to help me find a tuba to play so that I could continue playing it this Spring. Ultimately it's my own responsibility, but I guess I felt like even with my struggles, playing tuba really helped the band out.....yet the band is doing nothing to help me find an instrument to play. My problem is, I keep thinking of it as an entity, 'the band', rather than a collection of volunteer individuals with their own things to deal with. If I've learned anything from my years with the band, it should be that there IS no entity, no history (shown when I was denied playing in the 1993 inauguration of Clinton because I had taken the fall season off for the first time in 10 years), no helping individuals. You have to TAKE what you get from the band, the social aspect, the musical enjoyment because there is no memory beyond yesterday and no magical organization that will help you out. Yet even knowing that....I'm still disappointed...I still waited and hoped that Joe or someone would help.

Sex - some of you might not want to proceed any further reading this post.....this next part is especially personal and not something everyone should or wants to know. I am writing it because this serves as my diary in some ways and I need to say things out loud to help me think them through. Proceed at your own risk. George and I actually did open up our relationship a bit this year to occasionally add in an extra person for a 'fun evening'. We've met 4 people and actually did the deed with two of them (different times, and each twice so far.) The whole process was very stressful because I discovered a few other things about myself that I don't like much. I'm too controlling and at the same time very shy....I'm picky and only am interested in people I think are really attractive, yet have nothing looks-wise to offer to anyone since I'm fat and a plain-Jane looker. I'm not comfortable being touched....which is partially whath makes me a top and sexually controlling in some ways. I feel so completely unattractive that no one has ever convinced me that they WANT to touch me, even George. And although I look fat at the moment, I usually hide my true weight fairly well with clothes on. So when someone touches my body, I feel like they are seeing the true me finally and couldn't possibly feel desire and might even be repulsed. So twice now, we tried to have someone join us and I got uncomfortable when they started touching me, and freaked out and ran out and ruined it. Then there's the Manhunt aspect of it. George joined and started looking for people and he has no discerning taste and apparently no clue what I like and don't like, even after I tell him. So I started getting constant, 'this guy wants to get together with us' and when I'd try to find out a few details, get nothing much back. George seemed to think that 4-5 replies was getting to know someone, even if it was a couple of words each. And I constantly had to be the one to say no....stressful. And then George sort of got addicted to looking and started spending ALL his time on manhunt (that's calmed down a lot now.) Being as I'm the picky one with a lot of hangups, it probably should've been me looking to begin with, but I was really doing it for him because he has more of a constant sex drive than I do. And in some ways I know I don't satisfy that....another point of my failure in my mind. He'd do it every night if he could. But because I'm the 'controlling top', it falls on me to do 100% of the work involved in sex. I know it shouldn't be work, but if you want to keep things fresh you have to constantly look for new interesting things to do. I have to plan ahead and have to get myself in the mood and I try to make it special every time. I can't just 'jump in' like I sometimes have the urge to do because he doesn't really like quickies...wants it to take hours every time (probably cause he doesn't get it often enough for his liking.) So the whole 'manhunt' and adding someone in thing is partially a way to take the pressure off of me....give George another outlet. I would even be ok with it if he found someone on his own to play with (I already know he is safe and would remain so.) Sex is one small aspect of a relationship and if he was having sex with someone else, I'd be fine with it as long as it's honest and open.....and it doesnt' mean he'd stop having it with me or we'd even slow down.....to me it just means he'd be able to stay more satisfied. But he doesn't want to go there....only together. I have my own manhunt profile too for us and go on very occasionally, but every time someone emails me, I freak out and jump off...lol. It's such a dilemma, being a top who is shy. Band camp showed a good example of that because Matt and Chad were very open with me and while they are friends who I wouldn't never want to take advantage of or anything, I'm so shy that I had to be TOLD to touch them even when I had clear opportunities to be touchy-feely...lol, I have so many stupid hangups.

In any case, it all was part of this momentous year.

Oh and I even got a promotion at work that I didn't even want. I didn't feel like I was ready to get bumped up since I've only been here a year, but a position opened up and I was basically told to apply for it, and got it. I'm not complaining about the money, mind you, but I feel like it's too soon, and I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that during the worst economic times in my lifetime, when people all over the place are LOSING their jobs and taking cuts, even here at Postal, I get handed a promotion. So I've barely mentioned it to anyone and haven't celebrated or anything. Why do I feel guilty? It's just stupid.

The more I write, the more screwed up I feel....guess somewhere along this posting, I completely lost track of what I was posting about......thus another Swoper's Rambling.

Time for Appreciation

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and it's about time I pause and think about some of the things I have to be Thankful for. Too often I moan and groan about everything wrong, when so very much in life is exactly right. Here's a few things:

I'm Thankful that I have George - he IS my life....he keeps me sane and grounded, accepts me with my multitude of faults and doesn't try to change me despite them. He's kind, generous, loving and hot and I'm so very happy we found each other and proud to call him my husband.
I'm Thankful for my family. I could not have possibly been luckier than to have the parents and sisters that I have. Each of them is unique and wonderful.
I'm Thankful for my dear friends. Friends have always been important to me and this year seems to have made them even MORE important and prominent in my life. Jackie is probably my oldest closest friend, from college. Chris and Paula, who George and I travelled to San Diego with to get married, are dear dear friends. Steve Collins is a long-time, very close friend, along with his partner Mike. Jim Brooks is a dear friend that I've had a very unusual relationship with over the years, and right now I feel we're very close. I've become even closer to several other people this year, Matt & Chad (my boys), Scott SM, Rob, Beth, Scott B, Paul, Stan, Aditi, Anja, Lisa-Marie and many more who I'm failing to mention by name, especially my DCDD friends (apologies.)
I'm thankful that I continue to have music in my life. It's been an interesting year musically, what with Tuba and Trombone, being in 4 groups on 4 instruments and other stuff. I still love it, despite being overwhelmed at times.
I'm thankful for my animals, Skippy, Rachi and Copeland...they are great
I'm thankful that George and I both have our health
I'm thankful for our new kitchen and the fact that we have the resources available to do a major project like that. (which I suppose means I'm thankful for our jobs?)
I'm thankful for life....it is a most precious thing which we all should remember from time to time.

Feeling like a heifer

Today I feel fat.....and I mean hugely largely overly terribly obesely fat.

Guess I ate too much (for the last 47 years....)

Here's a picture just taken of me...

No Matter What California decides

I'm very happy that I decided to get married. This whole experience turned out to be so much more important and memorable to me than I ever expected.

First the followup to our wedding weekend. My sister Allyn came into town the following Thursday to help celebrate with the family and also to see my DCDD concert. The concert went really well and my whole family loved it. I'm only slightly disappointed that she saw me on tuba instead of horn since she's a horn player and has never heard me play it.

That Sunday, George and I (only slightly hung over from the post-band celebration we'd stayed too late for) went over to Genilee's house to celebrate the wedding with the family. I expected it to be like our birthday celebrations basically....a meal, good conversation, maybe a dessert, a present from each of them. But I could see as soon as I walked in that I'd underestimated greatly what they had planned. There was decorations, a table loaded with presents and even a wedding cake with tiers....which I was sure they must've purchased, but which I found out later my Mom had made. And as the afternoon went, I realized that they'd actually planned a full shower/reception sort of party, complete with games like the newlywood game for the couples (which we won of course) and the game where I'm blindfolded an feel everyone's feet and guess which is George's. And each of the game resulted in us getting yet another present. If we won, we'd open one, and if someeone else won, they'd pick one for us to open....lol. It was all centered around George and me, and it was FUN! I had a great time and even George, who hates games, seemed to enjoy it all. We got a load of really great presents, from a Kitchenaid, to kitchen decorations, toaster, kitchen clock, some pans and other stuff for the new kitchen, and even a beautiful piece of stained glass that Allyn made which will also go in the kitchen. Having never considered wedding presents or a wedding shower or reception....this was really something special for us.

The really special thing about the thing though.....was the legitimacy that it gave us. That sounds a bit strange, but what I mean by that is simply that my family felt it was very important for us to realize that they believed our wedding was like every other wedding in the family....just as important and just as true. It was really imporant to my mother that she get to throw us this shower/reception because she didn't get to be there for the actual wedding.

It touched my heart to know how my family feels. I knew that they always loved and accepted George, and certainly me. Yet somehow I underestimated their feelings about the wedding and the formalization of our relationship. I am blessed to have this family.

A Weekend I'll Always Cherish

Thursday we woke as usual and went to work. But this was not a usual day or a usual time in our lives.....so we left work about noon, went home, picked up our things and traveled to Laurel to Chris and Paula's house. We all greeted each other with joy and excitement, and within a short time were on our way to the airport.

Once we got through the Delta ticket line (I don't ever recommend flying Delta again....took nearly 2 hours to process 10 people in that line and we almost missed the flight), we hopped onto our plane and headed for beautiful sunny San Diego.

The plan had been brewing for more than a month by that time, but not a significant amount of time considering what we were headed to California to do. It was hatched by Chris and her partner Paula, and George and I jumped fairly quickly on board both in support of them and for ourselves as well.

We arrived in San Diego after non-eventful flights and checked into the Del Cornado hotel that night and went to bed.


By 9am the next morning, the four of us were at the San Diego City Hall. The guard at the door greeted us warmly and asked what we were there for. 'We have an appointment to get our marriage licenses today.' She was very excited and asked us where we were from. When we told her Maryland and Virginia she got even more excited and said they should really put up a map on the wall and pushpins for all the places people are coming from to get married.....Alaska, Montana, etc, etc. This was because California had the decency to offer marriage licenses to gay people, and tons of people had made the trip we were making. Many more are probably headed there now to get in before the November 4th election when the voters of the state 'could' take that right back away from us again.


In any case, this was a happy occasion for us and we took lots of pictures, even in the hallways of city hall, snapping a pic of the 'marriage licenses --->' this way sign. The people in the office were equally as nice as the guard, and very helpful. Less than an hour later, we all had our licenses to be married later that day. They offered us a justice of the peace, but we had other plans.


The next few hours the four of us walked around various parts of Balboa Park....at one point we saw the world's largest outdoor organ being played by an older lady with several groups of schoolchildren watching as she gave a bit of music history while playing.


By noon, we all were at the Big Kitchen....a fabulous breakfast/lunch place run by a woman (Judy) who is an icon and a true personality. She's been a pillar of the gay community there in San Diego (and I'm not even sure she herself is gay...just very supportive) and George and I had gone there 10 years ago and met her. Whoopie Goldberg once washed dishes in her place when she was getting her start.....and Judy is still a stitch and a half. We met Karen and Robin there as well and all had lunch while discussing the wedding. Karen was to perform the ceremony and Robin is her wife/partner who was going to take pictures for us too. They are friends of Chris and Paula and Karen was ordained on-line through some universalist church that will ordain anyone....so she was technically clergy, although there was nothing religious about the ceremony. We discussed the plan....we would find a spot on the beach near the Del and do it there around 5pm.


After lunch we went back to the hotel to pick out our spot on the beach. When I stopped in the room, I found a beautiful basket filled with Wines and Chocolates and Snacks that my family had sent all of us to celebrate with. I about lost it on the spot when I read the card....although I should've known and expected it, they totally surprised me with the support they showed and I felt that my family was there with me in San Diego at that moment....I knew in their hearts that they were there and wanted to be with us. We proceeded to head to the beach. We spent an hour there and found a nice spot near an outcropping of rocks, then went and dipped our feet in the water and just enjoyed the view for awhile. It's a gorgeous spot with the ocean on one side and the beautiful Del Cornado on the other side....with a beach between.


With the spot picked out and the plan fully hatched, we went back to rest a bit, get dressed for the wedding and arranged to meet in our room at 4:30 for a pre-wedding toast, using the Wine we'd gotten (I even had room service bring up a corkscrew and real wine glasses.) We toasted their 21-year relationship and our 18-year relationship plus the significant friendship that the four of us have, and headed downstairs to meet up with Karen and Robin at 5.


Also at around 4:30 I got a frantic phone call from my good friend Jim Tompkins-Maclaine who lives with his partner Gerardo in San Diego (we stayed with them and went with them to the big kitchen 10 years ago and I've known Jim since college....he's an Ohio boy too.) Jim and I had connected again on facebook and he knew this was happening, but through a series of mishaps, he messed up the date of the wedding and only realized it 30 minutes beforehand. He was beside himself, but at that moment, I figured it was just fate and we weren't about to delay, so we hung up promising to talk later.


Once we met up with Karen and Robin, we all headed to our spot. Karen presided over a very nice ceremony for the four of us and Robin took lots of pictures. They also did a couple of really nice little touches to enhance things. They brought all 4 of us little bunches of flowers to hold, and a very nicely done certificate (with the Del as the background.) It was small and not very fancy....we were wearing flipflops because we were on the beach, but dressy, comfortable clothes otherwise.


Although prior to all of this I'd ever given much thought about actually getting married or what I would want in a ceremony, and it was short and sweet...and although I committed to George years ago....I've never meant anything in my life more than the words I said to George at that moment. It was the most significant moment in my life.

After the ceremony and lots of picture taking and laughter, we all headed to a fancy restaurant at the Del and had a wonderful dinner and conversation. That night we also arranged to meet up with Jim and Gerardo the next day. George and I of course went back to our room and had our first sex as a married couple! (we were virgins before that naturally.)

Next morning, we were up early and off to Disneyland where we met up with Jim and Gerardo just outside the park. We ran ourselves ragged all day long and had a great time.....did our usual ride on Dumbo with us in front of Chris and Paula so we could get pictures of them (it's a tradition between us) and rode every ride we could get into. The park was packed, but we really didn't care. An extra special touch was the Swing Band that was performing there that evening. It was a fabulous day. What made it extra special was the opportunity to get to know Gerardo while re-establishing what has always been a great friendship with Jim. Although they were together during our 10-years earlier trip, Gerardo barely spoke a word of English (he's from Mexico) and was very shy. And I felt like an idiot cause I could speak a word of Spanish either, so there were some awkward times and we went away feeling like we didn't know him at all. He speaks perfect English 10 years later and we actually got to know him for the first time...and he's just a delightful person as well.

The next day we were all pretty wiped from a more than 12-hour day of running around Disneyland. Chris and Paula headed off on their own to tour their old places they used to live (via car) and hook up with some other friends, and they dropped us off at a hotel downtown where we'd arranged to meet Jim and Gerardo for brunch. it was incredibly fancy and we drank a bit too much champagne (or George did.) Afterward, Jim had a rehearsal so we went back to their place....and ended up just hanging out there with them all day long, watching some TV, sitting on the couch and talking. Although it doesn't sound too exciting, it was exactly what we wanted...a time to simply relax and unwind and get to know a good friend and a new one again. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

The next day, the four of us flew home together....all of it feeling pretty surreal.

It was a time I'll never forget. Although I hope gay marriage eventually becomes legal for all, and certainly hope that California does not overturn it.....we didn't do it for any political reason or to make a statement. We also didn't do it for legal reasons as it is not recognized here and Virginia is about as anti-gay as any state in the union. We didn't do it to tell each other that we were committed....that happened years ago. It was just a piece of paper. While we were doing it, we didn't really know WHY we were doing it.

But what I've come to realize is that it really means something to me and to George now...the act of having gone through the experience. I do feel a little bit different, a little bit more legitimate. And the reactions that we've gotten from friends and family add significantly to that feeling because people see us just slightly differently too. It feels wonderful to call him my husband.

Debate Instructions

nuff said....

A Whiney Day

Don't know why, but I woke up depressed today and can't seem to shake it. Rather than whine to my boys like I want to do....I decided to whine here to save them the trouble.

Ultimately this is nothing....Lots of little unimportant things are probably just adding up. I'm a bit unhappy that I'm getting married next week and I can't find a time to get my hair cut. I've been going to the same person for almost 20 years, but the only day I have any time in the next week....she's off work. I don't like any options I have....either go somewhere else (wouldn't know where and would probably end up with a bowl cut anyhow), go at some horribly inconventient time (not even sure if there IS one that could even work), or ask her to drag her rear in on her day off. I feel ugly and old enough as it is right now without having my hair look like crap too.

I'm pretty disombobulated at home at the moment because of the kitchen renovations....can't find anything, can't seem to ever remember where anything is or how to get to it. I'm washing dishes in a bathroom sink and draining them in the tub. They laid ceramic tile yesterday and were laying the last tiles when Steve arrived to pick me up for Swing Band. The tile is in the kitchen and powder room and comes all the way to the front door and steps to the upstairs. And of course we aren't allowed to step on it. But I had to get past that, into the living room for the Trombone, then down into the basement (access through the kitchen) without using the floor at all. I somehow managed but was pretty frazzled by the time I left. It's just weird coming home to your front door wide open and people working there that you can't even really communicate with.....another time I really wish I spoke Spanish.

I guess I'm still depressed from post-band camp too a bit. And Skippy isn't feeling good either and I'm a bit worried about him as well as pissed at one of my cats. We have a cat with cat-box problems....long history and it's not all his fault, but I still want to just wring his neck when he pisses on something on the bed right in front of me like he did last night. You can't really punish a cat with any good consequences, but me being me, I get angry at him and don't want to look at him for several days afterward. That irrational anger at my animals when they really don't understand why is what makes me question if I would've been a good parent. I often think I would've stunk. (luckily my anger manifests itself mentally and vocally rather than physically.)

Stupid little nothings getting me down today.....Ok, just need to shut up and bury myself in work.

A Magical Time

What to say about this weekend....it was kind of magical for me in many ways.

It was band camp weekend....a weekend that I've looked forward to every year since the first early years where I was wary of the whole 'weekend' experience away with a bunch of musicians. I would go up for the Saturday all day rehearsal and leave that night, totally missing everything else. I thought I was getting the music magic without having to subject myself to a bunch of parties where I would feel ugly and unformtable as I usually do at parties.

But after a couple of years I tried the whole weekend and realized how much I was missing. It's an intense weekend of music where the band truly has the time together to be able to put the music we're playing where it needs to be. This year the music portion of the weekend had a secondary, but very important purpose. This was our time to really get to know our new conductor. We loved him when he auditioned but the first few weeks when he threw some very tough music at us and expected a lot out of us, it stirred up some unrest in the band. And I think the band threw him a few loops as well. But thats the nature of this relationship between band and a new leader. There will always be a feeling out period where we all get to know each other before we can bond musically. I tried to tell everyone that band camp is where we would find out who he is and what our relationship will be. He made us realize that it's a partnership...hopefully we brought him down to earth a bit. And many of us got to know him as a person for the first time. all round, it was a great success musically. We worked hard and it shows.

I guess I have to admit that it was also an important weekend for me musically. I've been really struggling with the tuba thing, feeling like I'm just not getting it and not contributing anything musically to the band for the first time. I've always felt that I gave something...but this time it's been a struggle just to play notes. And when you can't play basic notes, you can't put much musically into it. And I guess I was afraid that my reputation was taking a beating....that's stupid and egotistical, but real nevertheless. it's important to me to feel like I'm good at this one thing....music. On tuba, it felt like I was losing the music. Thank God for trombone in Swing band and the success I felt instantly with that....that kept me plugging away at tuba and not feeling like a complete failure this season. Anyways, this weekend I did start to feel like although it's not up to my standard, I have to admit it's finally getting better. I have to thank all my friends for helping me through it and encouraging me, telling me I'm sounding pretty good, even when I didn't believe it. I needed that. And I have to admit that hearing the new conductor tell me he was impressed with how far I'd come once he heard me in sectional.....that was also something I needed badly. I know he's had way more on his mind than worrying about what he thinks of me, but it was bothering me that he'd never heard me play anything well and his first impression was of me was on this thing that I could barely play. He also sounded genuinely impressed when I picked up the euphonium for the first time in a long time. That was nerve wracking because he is very accomplished on Euphonium in a way I never was and was playing with me. But I've always loved that tune, Amparita Roca and and especially the great euphonium counter-melody. And it was killing me to play tuba instead of Euphonium. And although I'm not great, I was once a very good euphonium player, so I didn't hesitate and in fact asked for the chance to play it. His reaction (and that of a few others in band) stroked my ego exactly how I needed....

In any case I'm feeling better about the tuba and about myself and I'll try to shut up about how bad I sound (yeah I probably spouted off about it too much and too frequently searching for validation.) I should've listened to my own advice about waiting until band camp to decide if I was a failure at it or not.

Although music is the reason for band camp, the true reason most of us love it is the comradarie while we are there. During rehearsal you are busy and breaks are short, so many of us don't know each other. Band camp forces us to eat and sleep together (minds out of the gutter boys....), party and have fun together. You talk to a lot of people you've never spoken to before and see how interesting or cute they are...or occasionally obnoxious but harmless. Everyone is in it together and we truly bond. The Friday night after rehearsal impromptue party is always a blast....everyone is in the mood to party and have fun. The Sat night party and talent show is always fun, and the bonfire is always a hoot. Not much Kumbaya here.

This year I had a magical time because of the friendships I have. One person I've gotten to know again after having known and adored him 10 years ago. We had a short but intensive friendship at a time when he was sort of in between college and finding himself. He drifted away and we happily ran into each other a couple of times, but now he's back in band and back in my life and I'm so very happy about that. Talk about finding yourself...what a guy he found! We had a great ride up and back in the convertible with the top down the entire time, daring it to rain on us. And I roomed with him, got to see most all of the gorgeous body which now matches his adorable personality, and cuddled a bit here and there. I thank him for a great time together and look forward to lots more. Welcome back again my friend (he's been back a year already...lol).

I also had a long conversation with a guy that I have enormous respect for and who I'm very happy to call my friend. He's found his own relationship in the last year and is really happy....and we had the best conversation we've probably ever had together....or at least the deepest one. We talked music, we talked band, we talked him, we talked his new lover, we talked me, my lover, our impending marriage...a whole lot. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And he also provided me a validation I really needed, that I was immediately helping the trombone section in Swing band. I thank him for his friendship and look forward to lots more.

Then there's my two special boys. Don't know why they like me but I don't care. The fact that they do makes me feel wonderful. I was really thrilled when they insisted I room with them this weekend and felt great when they automatically signed me up. It was tragic that it seemed like one of them couldn't be there this weekend because he was off being a hero, but my consolation was that i was going to try to help the other one enjoy himself without his best friend. When he showed up Friday night to shock us, I was elated that they were back together, but afraid that I might be the odd one out. But that didn't happen at all...instead they shared themselves with me and made me feel a true part of the friendship that they have. They are fun, intelligent, popular, incredibly good-looking guys and I've had the great opportunity to really get to know each of them well in the last year or so. And hot....both of them. I love each of them and the gift of their friendship. Thanks guys. I really look forward to lots more.

Thanks to all of the other wonderful people I got to know, or got to know better this weekend too. I look forward to the next one and the shorter times we have together while waiting till next year.

Instrumental Updates

Here is an update from my perspective on how all my instrument-switching is going at the moment.

Tuba - I switched in concert band this season to Tuba, partially because that's what the band needed, and partially cause I thought it would be a good challenge. Tuba so far is not going well at all. I still feel like I pretty much suck on it and am adding nothing to the band. It's a disappointment but not a total surprise. For one, I've never played a tuba well in the past in my few attempts....that was true of French Horn for a long time too. 2nd, the music the band is playing is way too hard for me to be attempting to switch to a new instrument where I also have to transpose it all, and expect myself to be good. But I'm still disappointed in myself so far. I'm just not used to feeling like I sound like an 8th grader on ANY instrument and it usually doesn't take me long to get some sense of proficiency on it. So far on tuba, I feel like i'm kinda sucking...and not in the good way. It also leaves me feeling like I have a lot to prove before I'll ever get in Joe Bello's good graces. He doesn't know me from Adam, hasn't heard me play anything proficiently, and must simply think I suck and have no business on the tuba.

French Horn - I picked it back up for Stonewall brass rehearsal on Saturday and it went better than expected. Although it wasn't pretty, it wasn't awful either and I kept up with everyone else. The jury is still out on it at this point.

Bari Sax - I love the instrument and really love being in Sax in the City or whatever we end up calling our quarquintet (4 parts, 5 members.) Right now I feel like it's the only thing I play well. The sax quartet was going to perform at band camp, which would've given Joe a look to see that I'm not 100% incompetant. But with Chad deployed to Houston for disaster relief, that's out too. So Joe will have to continue to have a low opinion of me for awhile.

Trumpet - I have no where to play it other than for myself. I'm still working on Toot Suite for the small ensemble concert, but I doubt if I'll get it together and actually get a group to perform it.

Trombone - At the same time I switched to tuba in band, I switched to trombone in Swing band. Now I didn't practice it even once until the night before the first rehearsal (I blame the frantic tuba practicing and the Olympics), which means my entire experience was one marching band season at least 10 years prior. But almost instantly, it felt natural and right to me....polar opposite of the tuba. It's much closer in embouchure to euphonium, my original instrument, so it's not totally surprising. But what is surprising is just how good it feels to play it, how much I'm already enjoying it. I was forced almost instantly to play some first parts and solos, and I'm eating it up. Now I have a huge solo to work on, attempting to play Traces, which Joe Czarnicki played beautifully, but which hasn't been played by anyone else. I tried to offer it to everyone else, but no one took it, and me being the ham that I did.....did. Chris wants to play it on the December first concert. I find it a bit ironic that it will be the first time Joe here's me play something and not think I sound like an 8th grader (hopefully)....and on an instrument I've actually played less than tuba.

So at the moment, I'm loving playing Trombone and Bari Sax. I still love the trumpet. I feel somewhat better than I have in a long time about the Horn. And tuba....well, I can only hope it gets better in time for the concerts. At this point, I'm not expecting much. And since Scott now needs it for Stonewall and may also need it for an orchestra, I have a good excuse to give it up after December 1st concert. I can't see myself spending money to get one either when I'm not even enjoying playing it.

America's Got No Talent

Let me start by saying that the television show 'America's Got Talent' is a great premise for a show. It combines literally ANY kind of talent into one show pitting singers against dancers against baton twirlers against female impersonators against sword swallowers against anything you can think of. It has some of the most bizarre talent I've ever seen, such as 'Spark Woman'....some weirdo woman who shot sparks off her body in various ways, or the guy who lies on nails while his wife and others stand on him.

Acts perform and the judges....I'll get to them in a moment....narrowed it down eventually to 40 acts. Then America takes over and votes them down (mostly, judges get involved too.)

Here's my #1 problem with the show. The director should be fired on the spot immediately....it's the worst case of directing I've ever seen in my life and he absolutely ruins it. I challenge anyone reading this post to do the following. When an act starts, follow the camera work and count just how long any one camera remains on an act before the director switches it to a different camera. The LONGEST amount of time I've seen is 2 seconds.

So an act gets up to perform and a camera is on...say showing the whole stage. Less than 2 seconds into the act, different camera angle focusing on the face of one person in the act, 2 seconds later, shows the act from the side, 2 seconds later you see the face of a judge, 2 seconds later back to original view, 2 seconds later you see them from up high and to the left, 2 seconds later you are looking at the audience. So, in a 2 minute performance, the director has said 'cue camera such and such' approximately 60 times.

Now if I'm trying to judge an act, how am I supposed to do that? There is no continuity at all to what the TV audience sees. Now for a singer, that matters not in the slightest because the sound is not interrupted. But for a dance troop, or in fact any act that actually uses the whole stage and needs to be seen, it's completely unfair. This is why there are, count them, NINE singers in the top 10, and not a single other non-musical act. How can I watch a dance troop and figure out if they are any good at all when I can't see them for more than 2 seconds at a time. It's just ridiculous and the idiot director should be FIRED. The dancers and other acts of that nature were cheated of any chance to advance. Of the nine singers, maybe one of them would've made it to the finals of American Idol (I know, hard to compare....but based on pure talent, it's true.)

#2 problem with the show - the cast is idiotic. First, Jerry Springer is not only just a waste of space, but an ANNOYING waste of space. He does nothing but state the obvious, badly, and every time he talks I get the urge to smack him. David Hasselhoff is a waste of good air. As a judge, he's a complete moron and he loves every act. Sharon Osborne is my favorite person on the show and usually says mostly constructive things, but she occasionally forgets what the show is about and votes for completely stupid acts. Piers is actually the only honest fair judge and I find I usually agree with him, but even he panders to many acts.....like the 4-year old. And he has about zero personality. When I saw the judges put those talent-free zooperstars through to the top 20, it just solidified with me that they have no clue what talent is.

#3 problem with the show - America doesn't know actual talent when it bites them in the....you know what. In general right now I have about as much respect for Americans as the French do....when I see the whole country going gaga over Palin......but that's for another blog post. In judging for THIS show, America again is showing that they are pretty much brain-dead. Proof positive, there is a 4-year old voted through to the final 10.

Before I go any further i have to say that I hope she wins the entire show and they put her in a Los Vegas show as promised. Can you believe that she's even there? First, I sang better than her at 4....yeah she can carry a tune and looks very poised for a child. But talent? I've heard MUCH better kids....and this girl is through completely for one reason....she's cute and American audiences are so stupid that they are snowballed by a 4-year old and the irresponsible people that are allowing her to do this....her parents included or perhaps ultimately blamed.

#4 problem with the show - this ties into some of the other reasons, but I believe the outcome is determined far too much by the people running the show. For instance, during the auditions and in fact all the way through to the top 20, the writers/director/whoever of the show determined that they should show about 1 out of every 5000 acts, and get up close and personal with each of them. Good example of this is that the Kinsey Sicks were in the show this year. The show showed shots of them throughout the audition process, so I could see that they were still around performing, right up until the top 40 were picked. Yet, I never saw them give a single performance. The show simply used them for their obvious interesting looks...men in obvious drag...by sticking them in the background many times so that they would be seen, but never actually showed them perform. I would like to see WAY more actual acts and way less of the tugging on the heartstrings that they seem to think is necessary. For instance, Queen Emily....if they'd put that woman in a large vat, she would've drowned in the amount of tears they showed from her. We saw 30 seconds of her singing and 30 minutes of her blubbering.

Of the top 10, there is no act that comes within a mile of last year's winner, the best ventriloquist I've ever seen...Terry Fator. And of the top 10, there is really only one choice in my mind for an act that could actually carry a Vegas show, Nuttin But Strings. They are exciting to watch and very talented and could carry a show. The rest of the 10, forget it. Eli Mattson is very good, but he's better in intimate settings, quiet times. I can't imagine him in Vegas. Neil Boyd is good I think, although I'm not a good judge of opera, but Vegas? Queen Emily has some talent but she just gags me totally and if I see her cry one more time, I'm gonna lose it. And she's not nearly as talented as the show makes her out to be. Kaitlyn Maher, the 4 year old, is simply a joke. The Elvis and Sinatra impersonators are over-hyped and under-talented, and I can't imagine going to Vegas and seeing 90 minutes of either of them. The rest of the singers are average to annoying.

With that diatribe, you'd think I hate the show. But the truth is, it's my guilty pleasure and I still watch it.....but I'm bitching about it the entire time cause it gets me so angry when I see what the producers are doing to the show. It's the worst execution of a good premise that I've ever seen.

Kitchen is finally getting underway

We've found a contractor we like a lot....someone recommended by a very picky, cost-conscious relative of George's. His name is Dave Cohen and he seems like exactly what we need, which is someone that will walk us through the process, holding our hands the whole way. I know that sounds stupid, but we are ignorant and need to have someone we feel we can trust because we could easily be lead astray.

But this guy is really a project manager, and his presentation of his estimate was extremely complete and professional, to the point where he had design suggestions that made a heck of a lot of sense. His quote was about $7k less than home depot's estimate, but we are also getting a lot more, (like 42" cabinets and removing the ugly soffits....something Home Depot never mentioned and we were getting their 30" cabinets with them.)

This week we signed a contract and gave a downpayment, and this weekend (labor day), Dave went out with us to a huge Tile/flooring store, a granite place where we got to see the actual slabs instead of 2 inch slabs at home depot, and to Lowe's. We've picked out the new cabinets, which I like better than what we were getting, and narrowed down the granite to 3 choices, 2 serious.

It feels like we are actually started now. He comes today for final measurements, then we order cabinets and start narrowing down everything else (appliances are set, GE Profile across the board, also several upgraded from the HD estimate.)

I hope by Christmas to have a whole new kitchen....and I believe our house will feel like a new house when we get it, and we'll want to quickly start doing other rooms too. Sorry Al.....I expect the kitchen to be completely ripped up when you arrive in October :).

What a Pain.....

**** Warning: this post contains a whole lotta whining and complaining, and is intensely personal....it's gonna bore anyone who reads it, but it's something I need to write for myself ****

One day about 2 months ago I woke up out of bed feeling wonderful. Something seemed strange but it took me several hours to realized what it was. It had been years since I woke up feeling physically great....literally years. I wake up every day with back pain. This is something that has come on over a long period of time, and was only partially noticed by me. So I have some back pain. It was never intense, never sharp, and never something I felt was bad enough to do something about. Pop some aspirin or excedrin, do some stretching and take a hot shower and it would usually go away.

I also wake up with a lot of headaches, and those are always much more intense than the backache....thing is, the headache is almost always accompanied by a backache, but the head was what I focused on. Eventually I bought a Temporpedic bed (about 5 years ago) and that helped with the headaches quite a bit. At the same time, I learned to stretch in the mornings that I woke up with headaches....which I also started to do with backaches. And I also learned that taking blazingly hot showers helps. So those three things helped for awhile.

I've told my doctor that I suffer from backaches on a regular basis, but I never stressed it and in fact, probably played it down somewhat.....'yeah I suffer from back pain many mornings, but usually can make it go away with excedrin, stretching and hot showers'. So it's never been looked into.

I tried a massage once....did nothing much for my back and I didn't like him much so I never got another. There are a whole list of things I'd sort of like to try, acupuncture, massages of various kinds, chiropractor, back-ectomy, but I dont' want to try them for real until I rule out any major issue like serious structural problems.

I'm doing this all wrong....this posting. What I wanted to do was describe the pain, rather than whine about it, so I have something to tell the doctor when I go.

Ok, I almost always wake up with pain in my back. Usually it's fairly low-grade pain, but it is there always. It's in my extreme lower back mostly, but there is no definite spot that hurts. I think the lower back pain sometimes also causes the upper back and neck to feel stressed too, but the actual pain is down there, just above my tailbone I think. I also believe that most of my headaches are actually caused by the back.

I also almost always develop back pain or make it worse by doing the following:

1) Walking slowly like in a museum or shopping mall. Walking at a normal pace (mine is pretty fast) causes no problems at all, but put me in a museum and my back will be hurting inside 20 minutes. Even marching band doesn't hurt it.
2) Standing in place - if I have to stand in a line for long, my back will be killing me, even being careful not to lock my knees and to move around as much as I can.
2) Rollerblading causes my back to ache a lot.
3) Watching TV.....this is my own fault probably because we watch it all sitting up in bed with styrofoam back support wedge things.
4) The biggie, SLEEPING. I sleep like an absolute rock, which I suspect is part of my problem. Once I'm out, I dont' move a bit all night, so my theory is, I'm stiff the next morning from being in the same position every night. The mornings that my back feels the best are usually mornings after I sleep badly (very rare.) If I toss and turn a lot, my back doesn't hurt nearly as much.

Thing that don't seem to make it any worse:
1) Lifting things....tuba and bari has no immediate affect and seem to have no effect the next few days either. Even helping someone move doesnt' cause it to be any worse. It also doesn't hurt at all while doing actual lifting.
2) Exercise - no effect that I can see, cardio or even jogging or using the Wii
3) Sitting in front of the computer....enough hours and I'll get stiff like anyone else, but it doesn't seem to have any direct affect on my back

Things that definitely make it feel better:
1) Stretching + a hot shower + pills (excedrin migraine or ibuprofin mostly) right after I wake up. I put the shower on so hot I almost can't stand it, and leave it beating on my back for several minutes. (didnt' help this morning at all.)
2) Heating pad often helps (we have a wet-one...whatever you call them.)
3) Icy hot helps it feel better on some really bad days.

Things that have made me realize I have a problem over the last year:
1) Zero patience - I get irritated so fast over absolutely nothing that should set me off or used to. It happens with George, with good friends, with complete strangers.
2) Utterly raw emotions - I was reading the paper this morning about Bill Clinton's speech the other day and found myself bawling. I cry often....but only in the last few years. Little things also get me depressed way more than they should. And my complete outlook can turn on a dime....go from doing just fine to being in a horrible mood, and not even know why.
3) Lack of a smile on my face - I very often can't mange to even fake one. I may suffer from a small amount of depression, but generally am a very happy, well-adjusted person.
4) Conversations.....lacking badly. I find myself sitting there saying nothing and adding nothing to conversations all the time recently. It's like I feel like I have nothing important or worthwhile to say. I dont' want to blame all my problems on my back pain, but I didn't used to be like that.
5) The way I treat George - sometimes I just can't manage to be supportive like I want to and know I should. And when I get irritated with him, it's over nothing and shouldn't be happening. And he saw me smile yesterday and acted like he hadn't seen it in awhile...he may be right. He deserves better than I'm giving him right now.

Things I suspect might help but haven't tried and won't until I make sure there is no direct physical problem:
1) Regular massages
2) Heated Rock massages (forget the actual name but I've heard they do wonderful things
3) Chiropractor
4) Accupuncture - I only half believe in it, but it's worth a shot
5) Losing weight - I am obese according to Wii and the charts....not morbidly so, but obese nevertheless....that can't help. (when I did lose 45 lbs a few years back, I noticed no difference.)
6) Abs exercises - I wonder if having ab muscles would relieve the back of a lot of stress
7) More regular exercise - helps everything else

I'm tired of being in constant pain and it's really wearing on me....I've GOT to do something about it soon.

Eating some of my own Crow

hehe, I also here-by eat my own words about my friend and his general Clinton-bashing. He loved Bill's speech last night and had nothing negative to say about it.

Chomp, Chomp, Chomp myself.

Sorry, my friend.

Hillary-bashing

Decided to write this on my own blog rather than commenting on a friend's blog. He's much more political than I am in general and much better-informed....and when I venture into politics, I show my own ignorance (better done on my own blog where no-one will see it.) But sometimes I feel like my friend is more of a Hillary-hater than a Barack-lover. She gave what I thought was a pretty inspirational speech last night throwing her support whole-heartedly behind him and attempting to invigorate the party and unify her own supporters behind him. I went to see what my friend had to say about it. Although there were a couple of very short positive statements, in general the posting was another Hillary-slam because she didn't say the exact words he wanted to hear. (I truly believe if she had said the statement he wanted, it would've been something else she didn't say which was wrong.)


It's his blog and his opinion of course, but I find it amusing that as long as I've been reading his blog (admittedly not more than 6 months or so), I've never seen anything positive said about a Clinton without 16 negatives attached to it....and usually there's no positive there anyhow. He's already decided that Bill's speech tonight will be no better. He seems to feel very strongly against the Clintons and everything they do and stand for.... I expect that from Republicans but it always surprises me from a Democrat-leaner, and I keep going back to see if he really is as consistently negative about her as it seems. I kind of thought that might change after the primary. I just feel like at this point we should stop pointing fingers and start attempting to unify....and it seemed like that's what she was trying to do to me.


But similar to his seeming dislike for Hillary, I have a like for her and Bill, and I give them the benefit of the doubt, even when perhaps I shouldn't. I guess I'm their glass half full and he's their glass half empty :). And I've never been opinionated enough in general...I don't get very passionate about politics and usually stay away from such discussions...probably better for everyone involved.

Adventures in Tuba-sitting

I've had two weeks playing tuba so far in band rehearsals. Practicing on my own is not a good barometer of how I'll be when I'm in a group, so I was very curious to see how I did.

So far, the results are mixed. I'm both better than I feared I'd be, and much worse than I'd like to be. I guess what I naively didn't count on is that the music we're playing is extremely difficult. It seems like every piece is a grade 6, and there are parts of it that I'm certain I couldn't play if I practiced 3 hours a day until the concert. Those things are usually fast passages....and at least one piece has 16th and 32nd notes in the tuba part....and quite fast tempo too. Ain't happenin....at least no where near cleanly. The best part about my own musical ability is that even when I can't play something and am strugging through it, I don't get lost....it's a VERY rare occasion for me to be lost to the point where I can't find my way back on track within 4 bars or so. This Monday we were playing a piece called Niagara Falls (initial impression was utter hatred of it) and at one point, I was just royally lost. And shocked because of it. George was shocked when I told him too because he'd never heard of me feeling lost while playing before.

The new conductor so far is treating the entire group like we are professional musicians, which in my opinion is a big mistake. If I'm getting lost, then I can only imagine what others must be feeling, and the conductor isn't offering much help. Our group consists of such a wide range of musicians that when you do that, it starts to drive people away because they don't feel like they are keeping up. I've already heard from a few friends who are very unhappy at the moment, and I'm a bit worried about that. If I hadn't been in the group for so long, I might also be unhappy. There are going to be unhappy people no matter what happens, but I do hope that the intent is not to drive people out. But Joe deserves a chance to do what he intends to do with the group before I pass judgement on him (like I have any right anyhow), and that's not going to happen in a couple of rehearsals. I'm trying to go with the flow and see what happens.

But back to tuba....I'm also struggling more with the transposition than I thought I would. Again, that could be because the music is so hard to begin with....take that difficult music and try to sight-transpose it and you're doubling the difficulty. Add to that an unfamiliarity with the instrument itself, and sometimes a struggle to get a pitch to speak out of the horn at all, and I guess you can't expect too much.

On the upside, each day I pick it up, and I really am practicing a lot more than I normally do, it gets a bit better. I still hope that by band camp, I'll be playing and feeling ok about it.

On the other hand, I have also switched to trombone in Swing Band. I probably have less actual experience playing a trombone than I did a tuba, so you'd think I'd stink on that even worse. But I was a euphonium player originally....which uses the same mouthpiece and therefore embouchure as the trombone....same basic breath support too. (when the heck did I develop this habit of using ..... constantly in everything I write.....?)

Now my entire experience of playing a trombone was marching with it one year about 15 years ago, which means I played 3 very simple tunes and nothing else before or since. And I practiced tuba every day prior to the first rehearsal...and ignored trombone completely until the night before the first rehearsal. Yet I already play it a lot better than tuba, and had no problems in swing band. The big difference between trombone and euphonium of course is using the slide and getting in the right place, but I knew the basics. I'm not too exact on it yet, but I have a good ear and adjust quickly when I'm off. I felt really good about it that night. I get one more rehearsal, then a gig. But it doesn't worry me at all and in fact is fun so far. I'm a bit disappointed that I haven't gotten any feedback on either instrument....guess I need some validation that I'm helping more than harming, and people probably don't expect me to need that.

Last night I finally got to play a familiar instrument again. We had Sax in the City rehearsal and it was great as always. This group is even getting Jive for Five performance-ready. Last night we got all the way through it and surprised ourselves how decent it sounded. I'm finally starting to win everyone else over to that piece I think. It was really nice playing the bari again...felt like it had been months since I played an instrument I sort of knew how to play. (again I'm not a real bari player...but I've been doing it longer and feel more successful on it.)

I just wish I had somewhere to also play trumpet right now....love that instrument and prefer playing it to most others, but no one ever seems to need or want me on it. (band has 15 trumpets now.) I still want to play it on the small ensemble concert but need to get my act together soon if I'm going to do that.

Lol, saxes want to play at band camp like we did last year. That's fine and I want to as well, but I am wondering exactly how I'm going to get myself, my sleeping bag and clothes, music stand, tuba AND Bari sax all to band camp in my Pontiac Solstice (two-seater convertible with virtually no trunk.) That should be most interesting!

Little Sis

My youngest sister Allyn was born on January 23rd, 1957. She was named Allyn Michelle....our family always pronounced it like Alan. I can't remember exactly where my Mom got that name, but she decide much later it should've been pronounced 'Al-lynn'. Nah....my other sisters already had weird names....so should Allyn! Allyn was a good baby, but grew up to be a pistol, and a thorn in my mother's side as they often didnt' see eye to eye during the high school years....hehe.

Four years later almost to the day, I arrived to spoil her 4th birthday....lol. Being born 4 years and 1 day apart, we usually got to share birthdays, something neither of us really liked much (not like we got similar clothes....just had to share our day.) I always felt guilty for spoiling her birthdays, especially that fourth one when my Mom was probably in a TERRIBLE mood..

Being the youngest when I was born, you'd think she might've resented the 'new kid' my parents brought home, but from the get-go I think I was really a novelty to all my sisters. They were old enough no longer to be babies themselves, but got both the pleasure and pain of being there to help raise the only boy in the family and the new baby.

I was probably always closest to Allyn growing up, partially due to age, and partially due to our personalities. We had a very interesting relationship....from the earliest time I can remember, Allyn treated me half like her bratty little brother, but equally the other half like her friend. One of the most interesting phenomenon between us was that she and I fought like cats and dogs constantly.....if there were any adults around. If adults weren't around, she and I almost never argued and we got along great.

My very first specific memory of Allyn was when we were outside and she was sitting on my tricycle and I wanted it. So I grabbed the handlebars and SHOOK it as hard as I could. I did something to her which hurt her 'down there' and caused my mother to have a 'talk' with me about what I had 'done to my sister' and how 'girls are different than boys'. To this day, I haven't a clue what I actually did (she couldn't been more than 7-8), but it was the first time I realized that girls have 'mysterious parts' that boys don't have. It was all very mysterious and I have wondered since I was 4 if I did some permanent 'damage'....once I grew up I wondered if it somehow damaged her virginity or something. I STILL don't know and still think women are very mysterious....lol. (45 years later you'd think I might stop wondering.)

One of my early vivid memories of Allyn was when our dog, Kimmy died. I think I was around 7-8, which made her 11-12. It was our first experience with death and we lived it together....we were very upset and slept together for a few nights to comfort each other....which stretched into a much longer period of time because we had so much fun talking and laughing at night once we got over Kimmy's death. Mom finally had to tell us to stop sleeping together...lol.

I always looked up to Allyn....she was smart, pretty, talented....and a great friend to me. She told me everything about everything going on in her life. She met Brad Stotz when she was a freshman in high school, and was immediately smitten, with both him and his best friend Dennis at the same time. But throughout high school and a couple years after she dated Brad off and on....they argued all the time and he didn't treat her very well a lot of the time (nothing remotely abusive or anything, just a high school jock boy's treatment of his girl. They took a break after high school, while he grew up a bit, and eventually got back together and are still married today. ) During all that time, Allyn told me everything that went on....virtually every detail. It was pretty amazing to be part of my sister's growing up. I got to experience (2nd hand) first kisses, proms, cheerleading and other tryouts, confusion over 2 boys at once (or more at times), experimenting with sex and drugs, arguing with Mom, etc, etc. Throughout while we were in private, Allyn treated me with respect and as a friend and sounding board. In public, she'd barely speak to me....and vice versa (I suppose we were competing for adult attention or something weird like that.)

I blame my sisters, and especially Allyn for the fact that I'm gay. I mean come on....I had easy access to Barbies and batons and cheerleading outfits, I kept hearing how 'that boy was so CUTE' and what it was like to experience a kiss, etc.... and I think the general lusting after boys caused me to want them too!

rofl...of course that's completely ridiculous. But now that I know she might read this posting, just HAD to say it! I already blamed her earlier in another post for causing me to eternally feel fat, so may as well blame her for this too. Now, how can I blame her for my back problems and lack of money? I'll have to work on that.

Somewhere along the way, some teacher or two convinced Allyn that she wasn't smart. She struggled with academics more than the other three. But trust me, Allyn was and is extremely smart....I've always believed there are book-smarts and street-smarts. Book-smarts is learning stuff fast and taking tests well....and unfortunately what a lot of things are based on. Street-smarts (to me) is knowing people, understanding them, and having common sense. Allyn has more street-smarts than most people I know. She always 'got' me. She's plenty book-smart too, although she doesn't believe it....sort of like me never believing I look could possibly good, she will always believe she's not smart....but she's the only one who believes it.

Allyn is also the only good communicator in our family...we suck at calling, writing, communicating in any way other than being there, but she's a cut above (despite resenting the rest of us a bit for the way we are....and she's right about it.) She also has fabulous taste....wish I had a 10th her taste in decorating and clothing. And she is the one person I know who always buys the right gift....seeming to know what each of us wants even before we do.

Allyn and I are still good friends and I believe always will be. She's one person I can always talk to. I am a Swope, and suck at communicating like we all do, but when I see Allyn or hear from her, it's like we've never been apart for a moment. I'm sorry we've never lived in the same town together because I suspect we'd hang out a lot together too.

I have enormous respect and a lot of love for my sister Allyn.

Re-doing the Kitsch-en

Ok, so I used that title just for attention...lol, it sounded better. And rather like an acronym which comes into existence because it sounds good, and then making up words to match the letters in the acronym, now I need to come up with the reason that it's a good title. When we had some plumbing work done in our kitchen and they cut holes in our ceiling more than a year ago...I covered up the holes with art.....line drawings of animals I'd gotten from a street vendor in Quebec years ago....kitschy art! I put them up as a joke when family was coming to visit, and they are still there. There, neatly tied in a bow for ya.

Right now we have the world's most boring kitchen....builder grade appliances and cabinets, formica and linoleum, 12 inch soffits near the ceiling (so they could put in cheaper cabinets)...everything as basic as you can get, and now it's all 18 years old since the house was built in 1990. The dishwasher hasn't worked in 10 years (unless you call me the dishwasher...) and kitchen badly laid out and a big waste of space.

So we are re-doing it...our first major house renovation. We went first to home Depot, picked out everything, got the whole design done, then they came back with a labor estimate nearly double the parts estimate. So now we are getting more estimates, deciding how we can cut down costs, etc. We are not going with Home Depot and have since gotten another estimate for $7k less which actually includes a lot more stuff. Even though we could save money by doing things ourselves, George and I are just not do-ers and really, really want to just have some one do it all. We are rather inept and also hate doing it.

The saga is probably just beginning. I'm the type that would like to leave the house in the morning, and come back at night with the kitchen re-done. Anyone have any recommendations for someone who could do that for us? And of course they must have impeccable taste and able to do it for half of what Home Depot wanted.

come on, make these comments useful to me!

Olympic-sized break

Haven't been writing too much lately....in fact, haven't been breathing or eating or working much lately. This is because the Olympics are on....I've Tivo'd more of it than I can possibly ever watch and am spending every waking moment that I can get watching it.

The whole Phelps saga was just amazing....he's an incredible athlete and seems like a down-to-earth nice guy on top of it. And anyone who is so dedicated to anything like he is, is someone to admire in my book. I actually remember when Mark Spitz won the 7 golds and loved that too, but it was the first Olympics I watched, so I didn't truly appreciate what he accomplished until years later. I didn't expect to see it repeated in my lifetime by anyone, much less a local boy and American. And he has years of swimming left.

Usually I love gymnastics and although I enjoyed it, I've skipped a lot of it this year because I have so much other stuff taped. I prefer the non-primetime stuff because it's not so heavily geared towards only the sports that Americans do well in and also not so heavily prejudiced for Americans. I mean, listening to commentary on primetime, you'd think every American is heavily favored in their sport and any loss is a major upset and surprise. That's just stupid.

I've loved watching Ping Pong, regular volleyball, women's basketball and soccer, badminton, the women's marathon, the cycling time-trials and other events, rowing of various kinds, even air rifle. Dressage did bore the bejeezes out of me but I tried to watch it anyhow...lol. I've watched a bit of Greco-roman wrestling and am looking forward to a lot more freestyle this week...always been into wrestling for many reasons. I'm even taping the synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics and looking forward to it.

I LOVE the Olympics....just wish I had some friends who enjoyed it like I do. I'm lucky to find any other gay men who even realize they are ON these two weeks. George isn't even into it this year...he's pretended to be in the past, but I can tell he's completely bored right now...poor dear.

Michael Phelps inspired me though....next Olympics I'm going to break his record and win 9 gold medals in one Olympics....but I'm going to do it in 9 different sports: Swimming the 400IM, Basketball, Ping Pong, Men's gymnastics all-around, triathlon, 100-yard dash, Pentathlon, Beach Volleyball, and 86Kg women's weightlifting. I'd better get cracking.....

Tieing the Knot

George and I are traveling to San Diego over the Columbus Day weekend to get married. Since I'd never really considered it before, I'm a bit surprised….here’s how and why it’s happening.

I wish I could say it was incredibly romantic, that I proposed in a fit of love and devotion out of the blue, or some-such…but that’s not the reality. Basically, our very good friends Chris and Paula, who we have traveled with a few times in the past and who I play Swing music with, are from San Diego before they came to DC 15 years ago. They met and fell in love there. The four of us have talked very seriously about retiring together….trying to find a gay retirement area that we all like, because we all get along so well and would like to retire near friends in a place where we all feel comfortable being ourselves and can still play music together.

Well, they approached us a month or so ago to tell us that they were going there to get married and wanted to know if we’d want to join them in any aspect of it. They encouraged us to also get married but wanted us to at least come stand with them, regardless of whether we decided to also get married. They have all the contacts out there, a person to do the ceremony, connections to how to legally apply and all that. Essentially, doing it with them helps make it really easy….and I also have a good friend in San Diego (Jim Tompkins from college.)

This is something that George and I had never even discussed. The main reason I want to be married is the legal protections it can bring. And even though it’s only legal in California and places that recognize it (which currently would be only New York State), it’s a step in the right direction. And if other states ever begin to recognize its legality, it would ease my mind a lot about our future. My big fear has always been one of us getting injured and the other not even being able to BE there with them because we are not married or next of kin. It may only be legal in California for a month too, as there is a referendum in California in November to ban gay marriage, reversing the ability to get married. The vote is going to be very close too. My understanding though is that it is not retroactive, and those marriages performed until that time will still be legal there, which means they would also be recognized in NY and any other state that begins to recognize them in the future.

So no, it’s not that romantic, but I didn’t need the romantic aspect of marriage. I’ve been married for 18 years already….just didn’t have a document to prove it. It’s also not a political statement of any kind. I respect the fact that many people do not think it should ever be legalized, although I do not respect their reasons behind it. I’ve never heard one I even believed was vaguely valid. I’m not asking for anyone’s blessing or acceptance, but I hope and believe that most everyone we choose to tell will be happy for us.

We’re not planning to make a big deal of it….and will be married on the Beach by a friend of Chris and Paula’s, probably with only them there, and perhaps my local friend. We’ll probably have a party when we get home (and our kitchen is done.)

Many people seem to have their weddings planned from the time they are 10. Neither of us have ever considered marriage before, so neither of us had any desires for a particular kind of ceremony or have even thought about rings or what we'll wear or anything like that. It's not important to us, the ceremonial aspect of it....simple is best.

The only people who we've told is our sisters at this point....George's sister Debbie, and my three sisters. I wanted to tell my sisters first to ask their opinion on whether i should tell my parents, although I believed I should. They were wonderful when I told them I was gay, so I didn't have too much doubt that they'll accept this too. I think they probably don't believe in it since they ARE Republican, but at the same time, I know how they feel about me and George and they are active parts of our lives. They already treat George like another son. So I will definitely tell them.

I'll tell any friends who care to know, but again probably won't push it.

I already love George and long ago decided that my life would be spent with him, and he made that same choice. This doesn't change that in any way other than to put it on a piece of paper.

What to play....what to play.....followup

Well, the decision of what to play this fall in DCDD was finally made, thanks to help from a friend. I was realy agonizing about what to play this year.

1) Had a 'falling out' with French Horn this year and needed to step away from it for awhile.
2) Wanted to play Trumpet, but found out we already had plenty and they not only don't need me, but don't really want me to play it.
3) Could've played Euphonium, which was my main instrument, but wasn't really into it as I don't have a good horn and the band also doesn't need them.
4) Percussion was on my mind until I found out we have 9 coming this fall...definitely didn't need another.
5) Wanted to play what the band needed most, tuba, but had no instrument and found out that most places don't rent them or have extremely limited selections of them to rent.

About 2 weeks ago I was beginning to get really worried cause it looked like I had nothing to play that I wanted to play. But awhile back I had asked my friend Scott (a real tuba-player....shut-up Scott, it's true) to help me pick out a rental tuba and he had agreed. So when I told him that was off because there were none to be found, he very kindly and graciously out of the blue, offered to loan me HIS tuba. I was floored, but immediately excited and now it looks like I'm going to be playing tuba afterall. Thanks SOOOOOO much Scott!

Just to prove that I really AM crazy, I also decided to switch from Bari Sax to Trombone in Swing band (had been considering it for awhile and we really need them badly).....AND managed to get Stonewall brass moving forward, which means that I'll still be playing some French Horn...and I still have Bari in the sax quartet. AND I'm attempting to get good enough on Claude Bolling's Toot Suite to play trumpet at the small ensemble concert next fall.

So....I'm learning two new instruments, Trombone and Tuba - and the Tuba is a C Tuba meaning I also have to transpose everything - and still playing two others in groups and another as a solo. But the craziest part is, there are four different brass instruments all with radically different mouthpiece sizes (ok, Horn and trumpet are pretty close.)

And none of these instruments are my real one. I really hope I can handle this.

And I'm also doing all of this while under a new conductor who is going to simply think I'm a lousy tuba player and completely nuts.

Oh well, never claimed to be sane :).

Mom

I find myself sitting at my desk crying at the moment...moved to tears by the pain of a dear friend, who lost his mother a few days ago. She was about the same age as my own parents. I've been incredibly lucky to still have both of my parents at 83 and 81, who celebrated their 60th anniversary 2 days ago, and who are both doing well.

My friend David, one of the sweetest guys I know in the world, wasn't so lucky. Although I didn't know his mother personally, I know the results of part of her work in this world, in the form of her son. He always has a smile on his face and a kind word for people, and he gives an incredible amount of time and energy to anything he gets involved in. He handles responsibilities well, without letting it affect the way he treats people he has to deal with to do it. He has a great sense of humor and a great outlook on life. And he's been very good to me in many many ways.

From that, I know that his mother did a heck of a lot of things right in this world. I know he is hurting and is really going to miss her and my heart goes out to you David. If there's any way I can help....

What a waste of talent!

Question of the day....have I wasted my God-given talent?

Here's the situation. From the time I was a very little kid, it was obvious that I had some musical talent. I had a lovely soprano boys voice and I was singing solos in church by the time I was 5. I had three older sisters who were in high school, and when they needed a little kid to play a part in the high school musical, it was usually me. I played the young son in the main family in Bye Bye Birdie, and although I don't remember details, I am told that I sang at least one solo, had a bunch of lines, and sang my individual part in a quartet (and that 2 of the other members of the quartet could barely handle their parts and would instead follow me)....and this was in 2nd grade. In third grade I donned blackface and played a young black kid in Finian's Rainbow. (we had no African Americans in our small town....and trust me, I didn't know there was anything wrong with it at the time.) They also had variety shows at the high school, but somehow I was always in them....once singing three songs from Oliver.

When I was old enough to play an instrument....I chose trumpet so that I could be like that gorgeous red-faced 1st chair trumpet player (named Roll Shepherd) that sat in front of my sister Monya in band. I couldn't take my eyes off him.....and this wasn't lust cause I was about 8....I wanted to BE him.

This was when my problem first reared it's head....as a singer everything came naturally to me. Now I suddenly had to learn something completely different, and commit to it. I played on a hand-me-down trumpet that my Dad played in high school, then two of my sisters played it. By the time I played it, there were holes in the lead pipe and it was on it's last legs. At the end of my 5th grade year (first full year of playing the horn) each student had to get up and play a brief solo in front of parents and friends, etc to show what they'd learned. I had really struggled and had procrastinated and not practiced, so I knew I wouldn't be good. I got up in front of what seemed like the whole world, couldn't get a note to come out of the horn, and ran down off the stage crying. I gave up band completely then and there. Luckily a very astute teacher knew my background and refused to let it happen. She convinced me that the problem was physical, that my lips were too big for trumpet, and I should try other instruments. When I asked what ones, she said perhaps French Horn (already had two sisters playing that one so I knew what it was) or Baritone. I had never heard of it, so she showed me one and I blew on it. Almost instantly I was 100 times better, so switched on the spot and kept playing it through college.

I guess I practiced some in middle school, but found I was ahead of most of the rest of the people and didn't need to practice much to play my parts in band well. By 7th grade I had a big solo in band.....guess I'd improved quickly from running off stage crying. In high school, my band director recognized that I had talent and put me in a small ensemble. Although I rarely ever practiced, I played a lot and got pretty good. I didn't have much to compare myself against, so I had no idea how good until I got 2nd chair in an all-state band. Still, I never took it seriously and didn't practice much.

In college, I expected to be way down the list of players, but found that I was the best euphonium player on campus as a freshman. This is not bragging...it's just how it was. There were only 3 other euphonium majors and they were mediocre. (But I went to Miami of Ohio, which was not known as a music school.) Now in college I tried to practice more....but next to other students, I just never put in the time.

Still, I was the best euphonium player and one of the top musicians in the school as a senior.....and this without really practicing much.

Somewhere along the way, I just never learned to commit to practicing, and got by on raw talent. It's still true today. In DCDD I've played several instruments, and some would claim that I pull it off quite well. But I know the truth. I get by because I learned to be a reasonably good musician over the years, but I've never truly been good on any one instrument because I'm constantly switching around, sometimes performing on more than one at a time.

It's come back to bite me this past year because for the last 10 years or so in band, I've been playing French Horn. This is not an instrument that you just pick up, usually. It's got to be one of the hardest instruments to play and certainly the hardest brass instrument, because its partials are so close together. I always say that it barely matters what valve you put down on horn because you can get any note to speak with almost any valves (rotors) down. So for 10 years, I got by again on raw musical ability.....and I almost never practiced it. Yet somehow I managed and was usually playing the first parts (helps that I'm musically fearless too.) For 10 years I've felt largely like I was faking it, successfully. This past year, suddenly I feel like I've lost it. I no longer am playing it well and everything I do sounds crappy to me. The only way to get over it is to practice....so since our last concert, the horn has sat in the bathroom waiting for a bath....and not even getting THAT much attention. I can't seem to face the horn to fight through it. Instead, I'm ready to switch instruments again.

Why is this? I seem to have been born without the practice gene or the committment gene. Practicing for me is torture. I like to PLAY, not practice. It's weird and I'm ashamed of it, but can't seem to change it, because it is who I am.

Many people probably believe that I've wasted the talent I was given. I'll never be well known (deservedly so) for playing. The main place that I play is a gay community band, for usually very small audiences. I've never achieved a high level of success on any one instrument.

I could be GOOD, damnit.

But the truth is....at least I was smart enough to know myself at a fairly early age. I knew my limits in high school, and even while I was considered one of the best in my college, I knew I was not achieving the level I could...and why. And I made a decision at some point that I was going to have music play an important role in my life, without it becoming my career.....and that was a very smart decision.

Music is my hobby and my passion. I love it and I love playing in groups. I wish I was more committed and wish I felt like I did more than get by. I'll always wonder what I might've achieved if I had been a little different than I am. But I don't sit around worrying about it (much), and I'm happy with the amount of it I have in my life.

Wasted my talent? No...I just used it in a different way than other people might've. Regrets? sure...but not many. I'm mostly happy with what I've done with music in my life. I'm proud of the little successes I've had, and proud to be a part of my little band, DCDD. That organization is much more than just a community band...it's the source of most of my friends, and most of my social life as well.

Big Sis

I have three older sisters, nine, seven and four years older than I was. Each time my mom was pregnant, she and my dad were convinced it was a boy and picked out boy names, etc. Each time, they got a girl. When I came along, they'd sort of given up on boys and decided I was a girl (My name was to be Melanie.)

In any case, I ended up in a family dominated by women....my mother was always more strong-willed than my father, and all my sisters were older than me....so women ran the house, pretty much. This may be one reason my dad and I are still pretty laid back and not very assertive.

My oldest sister was born on March 3rd, 1952 and was named Monya Ellen. It's pronounced like Tanya with an M. (I think my Mom knew someone named Monya in high school and just liked the name.) She was a great baby, rarely crying, beautiful in looks, inquisitive, etc. My mom said the only time she cried much was when she went in the car.....ironically, my middle sister Genilee was constantly crying her first two years....except when she went in the car, where she would stop (and Monya would take over.)

I wasn't there for her first 9 years, but she was also a very smart kid, and grew up to be the beauty in the family. By the time I got there, she was definitely running the non-parental part of the family. Monya was very strong-willed, and quite clever, so she was the one that got the kids to 'do things'....some fun and productive, but also the one who caused the kids to get in trouble when they followed her lead in the wrong direction. I can remember her leading us to do an elaborate Christmas play every year for our parents....can remember her being the one who got us to play 'horses' every night after dinner, where we retired to the living room and two of us (and sometimes my dad) were horses, and the little ones rode them around. I can remember her making all four of us run away at least once or twice together. (we usually went to the garage and hid...lol.)

My biggest memory of Monya from my childhood was the respect she commanded from all of us. She was smart, beautiful and just seemed to always have it completely together. Because she was the oldest, she probably also had it the toughest from my parents. She had to fight to extend curfews, come home from dates to my Mother waiting in the living room, and live with all of the things that over-protective parents often do....then relax some with the younger kids.

Another very important memory was that she told me that I had to do only one thing for her in my lifetime....and that was to grow taller than her because she was the tallest on in my family by several inches (still only 5'7" and 3/4). I made the promise, and eventually followed through at a HUGE 5'8". It was 1/4 of an inch, but enough to satisfy us both :).

I was incredibly proud of my oldest sister....she was in high school plays and musicals, was in a singing group, was 1st or 2nd runner up in at least 3-4 beauty pageants like homecoming queen. She should've won too. She was the head majorette, which meant she lead the marching band around town....played French Horn in band. To me, she was amazing.

She also offered me a lot of first experiences. She was the first person I knew who left home and went off to college, first one I knew to fall in love, get married, have children, etc.

I remember the day she came home from college (Soph year I think) talking about her three current boyfriends (she'd always had a lot of them.) One of them was a guy that she talked about in reverant terms almost, how gorgeous he was, how exciting, how he had a MOTORCYCLE, etc, lol. His name was Jim Sauernheimer, and I think I was seeing a first glimpse at new love. She married him less than a year later and they are still together after 35 years.

The marriage was planned and executed in under 3 weeks because they became pregnant early. It was a HUGE scandal to my mother and it was awhile before they got past it, but they somehow pulled off a lovely wedding in 3 weeks. I was 4 days shy of 12 and it was my first wedding and my first champagne (hated it).

So 7 months later, I also had my first niece, Sondra....and my first experiences holding a baby, changing her, babysitting, all that. Two years later, they had Tara....both girls are lovely (and now Tara is about to hit 30 and has a great son of her own, CJ.)

For about 5 years, Monya and Jim lived about 30-50 miles from us, so we saw them a lot. I babysat a lot and spent lots of time with them in general. Then they moved away to Texas, where the girls grew up and they stayed until about 5 years ago when they moved to Chicago. By the way, I've always loved Jim too...he and she were the perfect match. He was able to rein in her strong will when needed, but they appear to always compromise and truly enjoy being together after all these years too.

Now Monya and I know and love each other as adults. We see each other on average probably only about once a year, but she and I relate well to each other and never have awkwardness from time apart. She's still beautiful at 55 and I still consider her the 'class' of the family. She raised two great kids (with Jim of course), travels quite a bit, and still comes off as completely 'together' and is someone I admire a lot. I found out over the years that she, like many folks, doesn't have much confidence in herself. That was a shocking revelation. She doesnt' see herself as I always have.

I feel like this blog entry isn't doing her justice at all...sorry Monya! (she'll never read it.)