'Weighty' thoughts

When I was a very small boy....I was a twig. I actually had to wear 'slim' size pants and seeing pictures of me in my first 7-8 years still kind of shocks me.

I suppose I was a twig mostly cause I was a very picky eater. I refused to eat any beef, and in fact really didn't like meat. Our big treat was McDonald's once a month or so and I wouldn't eat anything but french fries and milk shakes. I don't know what I did like, but it wasn't much...just ask my Mother.

Before I hit 10, I suddenly went from 'slim' jeans to 'husky' jeans with NO stop in the 'normal' department. I guess I must've discovered food at that time, and since I've now made it to 47 years without ever learning the 'joys' of exercise.....that discovery caught up with me quickly and has hung around ever since.

Of course as a child, you really don't pay attention to such things. I didn't know I was fat and didn't much care. That is until a few years later when I had an honest conversation with my sister Allyn (4 years older than me and definitely noticing appearance, weight and boys.) I can't remember why we were talking about it, but I remember the exact words that she used...words that scarred me deeply despite their humble start coming from the honesty of a young girl.

She said to me, 'Several of my friends have told me that you'd be cute if you weren't FAT!'.

Suddenly my life changed because I was labelled. I was a fat person and despite all efforts, I remain a fat person. Now 'fat person' doesn't necessarily mean that you are 200 lbs overweight, that you're lazy, that you eat all the wrong things. 'Fat person' is a philosophy and a way of thinking that stays with you. It's the inability to see yourself as anything other than overweight. I understand Anorexia and Bulimia only too well because that is exactly what they stem from. People get down to 90 lbs and still feel fat....if you've never been there, it's difficult to understand. I've not only been there, but lived with it.

Now since I've been an adult, I've been everywhere from 155lbs to 230 lbs....this from a 5'8" guy. When I was 230, I felt fat. When I was 200, I felt fat...180, fat....160, still fat. Yes even when I was the skinniest I ever had been and felt pretty good about myself, I still felt like a fat cow. I felt better because I looked better in smaller clothes, but I still felt fat and felt that anyone who saw me otherwise, just hadn't seen me with my clothes off yet. (I AM lucky in that I have the type of body that doesn't show the fat as obviously as some people....I weigh more than people usually realize.)

I've been dieting nearly non-stop since I was in high school. Unfortunately, like most fat people, it only sticks with me in temporary waves...some long-lasting, but none yet permanent. When I was 230 lbs in high school, my Mom sent me to a doctor who gave me what seemed like miracle pills. I took about 9 pills a day (he explained each one and I promptely forgot all that information) and I had zero side effects. Over the course of a summer, without any serious dieting, I lost 60 lbs.

It was a life-changing miracle! Ok, not....but it did give me a great Senior year where I actually felt pretty good.

By my Junior year in college, the weight was all back on of course....miracle cures don't work for any length of time. So that summer, my mom promised to send me back to the miracle doctor....only to find out he died in the meantime. That was devastating as I thought all you had to do to lose weight was take some pills! And no one else in the world gave out those pills...dangit. (I should've bought my lifetime supply while he was still around!) But my Mom was already on weight watchers (entire family has the weight problem) so she essentially just fed me ww for the summer, and I started to exercise, running 2 miles a day every day....and I lost those same 60 lbs again and had a great Senior year where I felt good about myself again.

That time I'd done it right....and that weight stayed off for many, many years, plus it taught me what I needed to do if I was going to lose weight again. However, neither of those weight losses made me change my thoughts on who I was...a 'fat person'

It gets harder every year to lose weight, and my expectations have changed over the years....I know that I'll never be skinny so I no longer kill myself trying...rather I want to get to a reasonable weight and stay there. I tell myself that I'm not dieting...I'm changing how I eat. (just wish I believed what I say.) Now I'm fighting the weight and the mental issue, plus age. Because of my age, I've finally realized that my biggest struggle is really accepting myself how I am and getting the philosophy of simply a 'fat person' out of my head.

Having that philosophy has hurt me in so many ways. I never learned the universal gay art of 'eye contact' because of it. I love looking at good-looking guys, and whenever I am looking at someone with thoughts of 'cute', lust or similar in my head, and they look back for any reason, I look away rather than making eye contact. This is because deep down I believe that no one finds me truly attractive, and when they see me looking, their thought is something along the lines of disgust....'why is that fat cow staring at me....like he has any chance at all'. And if anyone did show any interest in me at all....I was completely tense and mortified the minute they touched my body or tried to see me without clothes on. OMG, they'll see or feel how fat I really am!

My brain says, how stupid can you be? But my brain doesn't always control me....logical thought sometimes gets no where when fighting against ingrained beliefs. It's a miracle that I ever found George (and that he loves me despite my insecurity.)

I'm still struggling daily with the weight. I'm still struggling daily with my self-image. Despite George's reassurances, I still think that no-one ever lusts after me....and those that might, just haven't seen the real me. George feels lust and our sex life is generally great, but I still believe that any lust he feels stems from what I do to him, rather than what he sees when he looks at my naked body. So he doesn't feel lust for ME, he feels it for how I make HIM feel. (and I'm sorry if I'm not giving him enough credit...because re-reading this, makes me feel like I'm making excuses.) The really sad part is, now I also feel like it's too late to ever feel truly attractive. I'm already too old for a 20-something or even a 30-something to even glance at me twice. I have average looks and a fat body....and I'm STILL not comfortable being touched. Trust me, I'm quite comfortable doing the touching :).......but I'm quite uncomfortable when I'm touched back.

It's funny how, when you have this 'fat person' mentality, you can find reasons to dismiss nearly every compliment you get. If George or my family say anything about looking good, I dismiss it immediately as 'well they HAVE to say that.' If a friend or a stranger walked up to me and told me I was gorgeous (and no, nothing like that has ever happened)...I'd be looking for the cane, and if I didn't find one, deciding that they had no taste, caught me in a favorable light, and hadn't seen my real body.

It's also funny how you can be so self-aware of your thought patterns, and at the same time, completely helpless to change them.

Oh well, I'm a FAT PERSON....get over it Swoper!

Wheelchair Lady....

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors, shouting "Vroom, Vroom!" and making believe she was once again driving her car on the freeway.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in to help her live her fantasy.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP! Police!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Police! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel,"not the Breathalyzer again!"

My other Opinion is.....

I'm too long winded after reading the last post. You know you're going on too long when you fall asleep reading your own words. :)

My Opinion is......

about as wishy-washy as they come. I don't believe strongly in most things the way other people seem to. Yet I still believe I'm more right than most others.

I don't know how many people are absolutely convinced that if we elect Barack Obama.....this country is going to fall apart. He is absolutely THE wrong candidate because 'fill in the blank'.

Similarly, many, many people are absolutely convinced that if we elect Hillary Clinton.....this country is going to fall apart. She is absolutely THE wrong candidate because.....

Same with McCain.

Who's right, who's wrong? Better question, who really knows? The people who spew out such opinions know because they are absolutely irrefutably right....period. All of them, with no exceptions. And they each believe that.

I guess my point is, far far too many people in this world see the world as black and white (no racial intent here). There is an absolute right, and an absolute wrong.....they speak the truth and everyone else either lies or is an idiot. There is no possibility of changing their opinion because they are simply RIGHT. They seek out people with the same essential opinions as themselves and declare them prophets.

I see the world in shades of gray....there IS no absolute right and no absolute wrong, just a lot of 'mostly right' or 'mostly wrong'. I believe most of what people say has at least a grain of truth to it....but I also believe most of what people say is uninformed or only partially informed. People are quick to read or listen to something and hear exactly the parts of it that agree with what they already believe....and conveniently ignore or don't hear the parts of it that disagree with what they believe. Those same people then turn around and state it as fact to anyone else that will listen....and the listeners hear the part of it they already believe and think 'right on!' while at the same time ignoring parts of it they disagree with. Selective listening is way too prevalent in this country.

I constantly am hearing people say something as though it is an undisputed fact such as 'Barack's preacher said that the government created HIV to kill blacks'. Maybe he did...maybe he didn't....but chances are that he said something to that affect. Fine...assuming he did, how exactly did he say it and what did he mean by it? I wasn't there to hear it or hear it's context. Obviously at face value it's a completely ridiculous statement. Barack haters are positive that he said it exactly like that, 50 times a year over the 20 years Barack listened to him (which of course to them means that Barack believes it too or he wouldn't have sat there listening to his preacher spout constant hatred.) Barack lovers say things like 'well no one believes every word out of their preacher's mouth and it doesn't mean Barack believes it'.

My point is...and I'm talking in general and not about that specific example....what percentage of the people do the research to REALLY understand the truth and the context behind it? What percentage make sure they hear something first hand before believing it? (the percentage is no doubt tiny...)

I wasn't there, didn't hear it said. I'm not an Obama supporter, nor am I against him. I support Hillary up until she drops out, then I'll probably support him. I don't look for every little thing as proof of my own already made up mind being correct. In fact, I listen to things like the example above and I refuse to let it affect my opinon.....unless I do the research myself to come as close to the truth as possible.

I guess all I'm trying to say is....I rarely have an opinion. When I get into a political discussion, it's usually not to support my opinion, but to give the truths that I hear in the other side of the argument, whether or not it fundamentally agrees with me. When I hear a Hillary lover saying how they will vote for McCain if she loses to Barack because 'he has no experience', I usually try to argue that no one has presidential experience, and that the president doesn't rule in a black box and you are electing someone who will choose the right people around them to lead the country....and THOSE people need to be experienced. When I hear a Barack lover saying how he's the only candidate because 'he isn't part of the establishment and is the only one with any new ideas'....I usually try to argue that he also has no real experience, and that you cannot run the country without people around you who know how to work within the establishment, and that his ideas are not that far from Hillary's anyhow.

In other words, I'm not for or against Barack Obama as much as I'm for or against people spouting their opinions like they are irrefutable facts and the other side are idiots.

So...what is my opinon? Simple....my opinion is, everyone else is WRONG! Which must mean that everyone but me is an idiot!

And since it's now in writing....it must be a fact!