What a Pain.....

**** Warning: this post contains a whole lotta whining and complaining, and is intensely personal....it's gonna bore anyone who reads it, but it's something I need to write for myself ****

One day about 2 months ago I woke up out of bed feeling wonderful. Something seemed strange but it took me several hours to realized what it was. It had been years since I woke up feeling physically great....literally years. I wake up every day with back pain. This is something that has come on over a long period of time, and was only partially noticed by me. So I have some back pain. It was never intense, never sharp, and never something I felt was bad enough to do something about. Pop some aspirin or excedrin, do some stretching and take a hot shower and it would usually go away.

I also wake up with a lot of headaches, and those are always much more intense than the backache....thing is, the headache is almost always accompanied by a backache, but the head was what I focused on. Eventually I bought a Temporpedic bed (about 5 years ago) and that helped with the headaches quite a bit. At the same time, I learned to stretch in the mornings that I woke up with headaches....which I also started to do with backaches. And I also learned that taking blazingly hot showers helps. So those three things helped for awhile.

I've told my doctor that I suffer from backaches on a regular basis, but I never stressed it and in fact, probably played it down somewhat.....'yeah I suffer from back pain many mornings, but usually can make it go away with excedrin, stretching and hot showers'. So it's never been looked into.

I tried a massage once....did nothing much for my back and I didn't like him much so I never got another. There are a whole list of things I'd sort of like to try, acupuncture, massages of various kinds, chiropractor, back-ectomy, but I dont' want to try them for real until I rule out any major issue like serious structural problems.

I'm doing this all wrong....this posting. What I wanted to do was describe the pain, rather than whine about it, so I have something to tell the doctor when I go.

Ok, I almost always wake up with pain in my back. Usually it's fairly low-grade pain, but it is there always. It's in my extreme lower back mostly, but there is no definite spot that hurts. I think the lower back pain sometimes also causes the upper back and neck to feel stressed too, but the actual pain is down there, just above my tailbone I think. I also believe that most of my headaches are actually caused by the back.

I also almost always develop back pain or make it worse by doing the following:

1) Walking slowly like in a museum or shopping mall. Walking at a normal pace (mine is pretty fast) causes no problems at all, but put me in a museum and my back will be hurting inside 20 minutes. Even marching band doesn't hurt it.
2) Standing in place - if I have to stand in a line for long, my back will be killing me, even being careful not to lock my knees and to move around as much as I can.
2) Rollerblading causes my back to ache a lot.
3) Watching TV.....this is my own fault probably because we watch it all sitting up in bed with styrofoam back support wedge things.
4) The biggie, SLEEPING. I sleep like an absolute rock, which I suspect is part of my problem. Once I'm out, I dont' move a bit all night, so my theory is, I'm stiff the next morning from being in the same position every night. The mornings that my back feels the best are usually mornings after I sleep badly (very rare.) If I toss and turn a lot, my back doesn't hurt nearly as much.

Thing that don't seem to make it any worse:
1) Lifting things....tuba and bari has no immediate affect and seem to have no effect the next few days either. Even helping someone move doesnt' cause it to be any worse. It also doesn't hurt at all while doing actual lifting.
2) Exercise - no effect that I can see, cardio or even jogging or using the Wii
3) Sitting in front of the computer....enough hours and I'll get stiff like anyone else, but it doesn't seem to have any direct affect on my back

Things that definitely make it feel better:
1) Stretching + a hot shower + pills (excedrin migraine or ibuprofin mostly) right after I wake up. I put the shower on so hot I almost can't stand it, and leave it beating on my back for several minutes. (didnt' help this morning at all.)
2) Heating pad often helps (we have a wet-one...whatever you call them.)
3) Icy hot helps it feel better on some really bad days.

Things that have made me realize I have a problem over the last year:
1) Zero patience - I get irritated so fast over absolutely nothing that should set me off or used to. It happens with George, with good friends, with complete strangers.
2) Utterly raw emotions - I was reading the paper this morning about Bill Clinton's speech the other day and found myself bawling. I cry often....but only in the last few years. Little things also get me depressed way more than they should. And my complete outlook can turn on a dime....go from doing just fine to being in a horrible mood, and not even know why.
3) Lack of a smile on my face - I very often can't mange to even fake one. I may suffer from a small amount of depression, but generally am a very happy, well-adjusted person.
4) Conversations.....lacking badly. I find myself sitting there saying nothing and adding nothing to conversations all the time recently. It's like I feel like I have nothing important or worthwhile to say. I dont' want to blame all my problems on my back pain, but I didn't used to be like that.
5) The way I treat George - sometimes I just can't manage to be supportive like I want to and know I should. And when I get irritated with him, it's over nothing and shouldn't be happening. And he saw me smile yesterday and acted like he hadn't seen it in awhile...he may be right. He deserves better than I'm giving him right now.

Things I suspect might help but haven't tried and won't until I make sure there is no direct physical problem:
1) Regular massages
2) Heated Rock massages (forget the actual name but I've heard they do wonderful things
3) Chiropractor
4) Accupuncture - I only half believe in it, but it's worth a shot
5) Losing weight - I am obese according to Wii and the charts....not morbidly so, but obese nevertheless....that can't help. (when I did lose 45 lbs a few years back, I noticed no difference.)
6) Abs exercises - I wonder if having ab muscles would relieve the back of a lot of stress
7) More regular exercise - helps everything else

I'm tired of being in constant pain and it's really wearing on me....I've GOT to do something about it soon.

Eating some of my own Crow

hehe, I also here-by eat my own words about my friend and his general Clinton-bashing. He loved Bill's speech last night and had nothing negative to say about it.

Chomp, Chomp, Chomp myself.

Sorry, my friend.

Hillary-bashing

Decided to write this on my own blog rather than commenting on a friend's blog. He's much more political than I am in general and much better-informed....and when I venture into politics, I show my own ignorance (better done on my own blog where no-one will see it.) But sometimes I feel like my friend is more of a Hillary-hater than a Barack-lover. She gave what I thought was a pretty inspirational speech last night throwing her support whole-heartedly behind him and attempting to invigorate the party and unify her own supporters behind him. I went to see what my friend had to say about it. Although there were a couple of very short positive statements, in general the posting was another Hillary-slam because she didn't say the exact words he wanted to hear. (I truly believe if she had said the statement he wanted, it would've been something else she didn't say which was wrong.)


It's his blog and his opinion of course, but I find it amusing that as long as I've been reading his blog (admittedly not more than 6 months or so), I've never seen anything positive said about a Clinton without 16 negatives attached to it....and usually there's no positive there anyhow. He's already decided that Bill's speech tonight will be no better. He seems to feel very strongly against the Clintons and everything they do and stand for.... I expect that from Republicans but it always surprises me from a Democrat-leaner, and I keep going back to see if he really is as consistently negative about her as it seems. I kind of thought that might change after the primary. I just feel like at this point we should stop pointing fingers and start attempting to unify....and it seemed like that's what she was trying to do to me.


But similar to his seeming dislike for Hillary, I have a like for her and Bill, and I give them the benefit of the doubt, even when perhaps I shouldn't. I guess I'm their glass half full and he's their glass half empty :). And I've never been opinionated enough in general...I don't get very passionate about politics and usually stay away from such discussions...probably better for everyone involved.

Adventures in Tuba-sitting

I've had two weeks playing tuba so far in band rehearsals. Practicing on my own is not a good barometer of how I'll be when I'm in a group, so I was very curious to see how I did.

So far, the results are mixed. I'm both better than I feared I'd be, and much worse than I'd like to be. I guess what I naively didn't count on is that the music we're playing is extremely difficult. It seems like every piece is a grade 6, and there are parts of it that I'm certain I couldn't play if I practiced 3 hours a day until the concert. Those things are usually fast passages....and at least one piece has 16th and 32nd notes in the tuba part....and quite fast tempo too. Ain't happenin....at least no where near cleanly. The best part about my own musical ability is that even when I can't play something and am strugging through it, I don't get lost....it's a VERY rare occasion for me to be lost to the point where I can't find my way back on track within 4 bars or so. This Monday we were playing a piece called Niagara Falls (initial impression was utter hatred of it) and at one point, I was just royally lost. And shocked because of it. George was shocked when I told him too because he'd never heard of me feeling lost while playing before.

The new conductor so far is treating the entire group like we are professional musicians, which in my opinion is a big mistake. If I'm getting lost, then I can only imagine what others must be feeling, and the conductor isn't offering much help. Our group consists of such a wide range of musicians that when you do that, it starts to drive people away because they don't feel like they are keeping up. I've already heard from a few friends who are very unhappy at the moment, and I'm a bit worried about that. If I hadn't been in the group for so long, I might also be unhappy. There are going to be unhappy people no matter what happens, but I do hope that the intent is not to drive people out. But Joe deserves a chance to do what he intends to do with the group before I pass judgement on him (like I have any right anyhow), and that's not going to happen in a couple of rehearsals. I'm trying to go with the flow and see what happens.

But back to tuba....I'm also struggling more with the transposition than I thought I would. Again, that could be because the music is so hard to begin with....take that difficult music and try to sight-transpose it and you're doubling the difficulty. Add to that an unfamiliarity with the instrument itself, and sometimes a struggle to get a pitch to speak out of the horn at all, and I guess you can't expect too much.

On the upside, each day I pick it up, and I really am practicing a lot more than I normally do, it gets a bit better. I still hope that by band camp, I'll be playing and feeling ok about it.

On the other hand, I have also switched to trombone in Swing Band. I probably have less actual experience playing a trombone than I did a tuba, so you'd think I'd stink on that even worse. But I was a euphonium player originally....which uses the same mouthpiece and therefore embouchure as the trombone....same basic breath support too. (when the heck did I develop this habit of using ..... constantly in everything I write.....?)

Now my entire experience of playing a trombone was marching with it one year about 15 years ago, which means I played 3 very simple tunes and nothing else before or since. And I practiced tuba every day prior to the first rehearsal...and ignored trombone completely until the night before the first rehearsal. Yet I already play it a lot better than tuba, and had no problems in swing band. The big difference between trombone and euphonium of course is using the slide and getting in the right place, but I knew the basics. I'm not too exact on it yet, but I have a good ear and adjust quickly when I'm off. I felt really good about it that night. I get one more rehearsal, then a gig. But it doesn't worry me at all and in fact is fun so far. I'm a bit disappointed that I haven't gotten any feedback on either instrument....guess I need some validation that I'm helping more than harming, and people probably don't expect me to need that.

Last night I finally got to play a familiar instrument again. We had Sax in the City rehearsal and it was great as always. This group is even getting Jive for Five performance-ready. Last night we got all the way through it and surprised ourselves how decent it sounded. I'm finally starting to win everyone else over to that piece I think. It was really nice playing the bari again...felt like it had been months since I played an instrument I sort of knew how to play. (again I'm not a real bari player...but I've been doing it longer and feel more successful on it.)

I just wish I had somewhere to also play trumpet right now....love that instrument and prefer playing it to most others, but no one ever seems to need or want me on it. (band has 15 trumpets now.) I still want to play it on the small ensemble concert but need to get my act together soon if I'm going to do that.

Lol, saxes want to play at band camp like we did last year. That's fine and I want to as well, but I am wondering exactly how I'm going to get myself, my sleeping bag and clothes, music stand, tuba AND Bari sax all to band camp in my Pontiac Solstice (two-seater convertible with virtually no trunk.) That should be most interesting!

Little Sis

My youngest sister Allyn was born on January 23rd, 1957. She was named Allyn Michelle....our family always pronounced it like Alan. I can't remember exactly where my Mom got that name, but she decide much later it should've been pronounced 'Al-lynn'. Nah....my other sisters already had weird names....so should Allyn! Allyn was a good baby, but grew up to be a pistol, and a thorn in my mother's side as they often didnt' see eye to eye during the high school years....hehe.

Four years later almost to the day, I arrived to spoil her 4th birthday....lol. Being born 4 years and 1 day apart, we usually got to share birthdays, something neither of us really liked much (not like we got similar clothes....just had to share our day.) I always felt guilty for spoiling her birthdays, especially that fourth one when my Mom was probably in a TERRIBLE mood..

Being the youngest when I was born, you'd think she might've resented the 'new kid' my parents brought home, but from the get-go I think I was really a novelty to all my sisters. They were old enough no longer to be babies themselves, but got both the pleasure and pain of being there to help raise the only boy in the family and the new baby.

I was probably always closest to Allyn growing up, partially due to age, and partially due to our personalities. We had a very interesting relationship....from the earliest time I can remember, Allyn treated me half like her bratty little brother, but equally the other half like her friend. One of the most interesting phenomenon between us was that she and I fought like cats and dogs constantly.....if there were any adults around. If adults weren't around, she and I almost never argued and we got along great.

My very first specific memory of Allyn was when we were outside and she was sitting on my tricycle and I wanted it. So I grabbed the handlebars and SHOOK it as hard as I could. I did something to her which hurt her 'down there' and caused my mother to have a 'talk' with me about what I had 'done to my sister' and how 'girls are different than boys'. To this day, I haven't a clue what I actually did (she couldn't been more than 7-8), but it was the first time I realized that girls have 'mysterious parts' that boys don't have. It was all very mysterious and I have wondered since I was 4 if I did some permanent 'damage'....once I grew up I wondered if it somehow damaged her virginity or something. I STILL don't know and still think women are very mysterious....lol. (45 years later you'd think I might stop wondering.)

One of my early vivid memories of Allyn was when our dog, Kimmy died. I think I was around 7-8, which made her 11-12. It was our first experience with death and we lived it together....we were very upset and slept together for a few nights to comfort each other....which stretched into a much longer period of time because we had so much fun talking and laughing at night once we got over Kimmy's death. Mom finally had to tell us to stop sleeping together...lol.

I always looked up to Allyn....she was smart, pretty, talented....and a great friend to me. She told me everything about everything going on in her life. She met Brad Stotz when she was a freshman in high school, and was immediately smitten, with both him and his best friend Dennis at the same time. But throughout high school and a couple years after she dated Brad off and on....they argued all the time and he didn't treat her very well a lot of the time (nothing remotely abusive or anything, just a high school jock boy's treatment of his girl. They took a break after high school, while he grew up a bit, and eventually got back together and are still married today. ) During all that time, Allyn told me everything that went on....virtually every detail. It was pretty amazing to be part of my sister's growing up. I got to experience (2nd hand) first kisses, proms, cheerleading and other tryouts, confusion over 2 boys at once (or more at times), experimenting with sex and drugs, arguing with Mom, etc, etc. Throughout while we were in private, Allyn treated me with respect and as a friend and sounding board. In public, she'd barely speak to me....and vice versa (I suppose we were competing for adult attention or something weird like that.)

I blame my sisters, and especially Allyn for the fact that I'm gay. I mean come on....I had easy access to Barbies and batons and cheerleading outfits, I kept hearing how 'that boy was so CUTE' and what it was like to experience a kiss, etc.... and I think the general lusting after boys caused me to want them too!

rofl...of course that's completely ridiculous. But now that I know she might read this posting, just HAD to say it! I already blamed her earlier in another post for causing me to eternally feel fat, so may as well blame her for this too. Now, how can I blame her for my back problems and lack of money? I'll have to work on that.

Somewhere along the way, some teacher or two convinced Allyn that she wasn't smart. She struggled with academics more than the other three. But trust me, Allyn was and is extremely smart....I've always believed there are book-smarts and street-smarts. Book-smarts is learning stuff fast and taking tests well....and unfortunately what a lot of things are based on. Street-smarts (to me) is knowing people, understanding them, and having common sense. Allyn has more street-smarts than most people I know. She always 'got' me. She's plenty book-smart too, although she doesn't believe it....sort of like me never believing I look could possibly good, she will always believe she's not smart....but she's the only one who believes it.

Allyn is also the only good communicator in our family...we suck at calling, writing, communicating in any way other than being there, but she's a cut above (despite resenting the rest of us a bit for the way we are....and she's right about it.) She also has fabulous taste....wish I had a 10th her taste in decorating and clothing. And she is the one person I know who always buys the right gift....seeming to know what each of us wants even before we do.

Allyn and I are still good friends and I believe always will be. She's one person I can always talk to. I am a Swope, and suck at communicating like we all do, but when I see Allyn or hear from her, it's like we've never been apart for a moment. I'm sorry we've never lived in the same town together because I suspect we'd hang out a lot together too.

I have enormous respect and a lot of love for my sister Allyn.

Re-doing the Kitsch-en

Ok, so I used that title just for attention...lol, it sounded better. And rather like an acronym which comes into existence because it sounds good, and then making up words to match the letters in the acronym, now I need to come up with the reason that it's a good title. When we had some plumbing work done in our kitchen and they cut holes in our ceiling more than a year ago...I covered up the holes with art.....line drawings of animals I'd gotten from a street vendor in Quebec years ago....kitschy art! I put them up as a joke when family was coming to visit, and they are still there. There, neatly tied in a bow for ya.

Right now we have the world's most boring kitchen....builder grade appliances and cabinets, formica and linoleum, 12 inch soffits near the ceiling (so they could put in cheaper cabinets)...everything as basic as you can get, and now it's all 18 years old since the house was built in 1990. The dishwasher hasn't worked in 10 years (unless you call me the dishwasher...) and kitchen badly laid out and a big waste of space.

So we are re-doing it...our first major house renovation. We went first to home Depot, picked out everything, got the whole design done, then they came back with a labor estimate nearly double the parts estimate. So now we are getting more estimates, deciding how we can cut down costs, etc. We are not going with Home Depot and have since gotten another estimate for $7k less which actually includes a lot more stuff. Even though we could save money by doing things ourselves, George and I are just not do-ers and really, really want to just have some one do it all. We are rather inept and also hate doing it.

The saga is probably just beginning. I'm the type that would like to leave the house in the morning, and come back at night with the kitchen re-done. Anyone have any recommendations for someone who could do that for us? And of course they must have impeccable taste and able to do it for half of what Home Depot wanted.

come on, make these comments useful to me!

Olympic-sized break

Haven't been writing too much lately....in fact, haven't been breathing or eating or working much lately. This is because the Olympics are on....I've Tivo'd more of it than I can possibly ever watch and am spending every waking moment that I can get watching it.

The whole Phelps saga was just amazing....he's an incredible athlete and seems like a down-to-earth nice guy on top of it. And anyone who is so dedicated to anything like he is, is someone to admire in my book. I actually remember when Mark Spitz won the 7 golds and loved that too, but it was the first Olympics I watched, so I didn't truly appreciate what he accomplished until years later. I didn't expect to see it repeated in my lifetime by anyone, much less a local boy and American. And he has years of swimming left.

Usually I love gymnastics and although I enjoyed it, I've skipped a lot of it this year because I have so much other stuff taped. I prefer the non-primetime stuff because it's not so heavily geared towards only the sports that Americans do well in and also not so heavily prejudiced for Americans. I mean, listening to commentary on primetime, you'd think every American is heavily favored in their sport and any loss is a major upset and surprise. That's just stupid.

I've loved watching Ping Pong, regular volleyball, women's basketball and soccer, badminton, the women's marathon, the cycling time-trials and other events, rowing of various kinds, even air rifle. Dressage did bore the bejeezes out of me but I tried to watch it anyhow...lol. I've watched a bit of Greco-roman wrestling and am looking forward to a lot more freestyle this week...always been into wrestling for many reasons. I'm even taping the synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics and looking forward to it.

I LOVE the Olympics....just wish I had some friends who enjoyed it like I do. I'm lucky to find any other gay men who even realize they are ON these two weeks. George isn't even into it this year...he's pretended to be in the past, but I can tell he's completely bored right now...poor dear.

Michael Phelps inspired me though....next Olympics I'm going to break his record and win 9 gold medals in one Olympics....but I'm going to do it in 9 different sports: Swimming the 400IM, Basketball, Ping Pong, Men's gymnastics all-around, triathlon, 100-yard dash, Pentathlon, Beach Volleyball, and 86Kg women's weightlifting. I'd better get cracking.....

Tieing the Knot

George and I are traveling to San Diego over the Columbus Day weekend to get married. Since I'd never really considered it before, I'm a bit surprised….here’s how and why it’s happening.

I wish I could say it was incredibly romantic, that I proposed in a fit of love and devotion out of the blue, or some-such…but that’s not the reality. Basically, our very good friends Chris and Paula, who we have traveled with a few times in the past and who I play Swing music with, are from San Diego before they came to DC 15 years ago. They met and fell in love there. The four of us have talked very seriously about retiring together….trying to find a gay retirement area that we all like, because we all get along so well and would like to retire near friends in a place where we all feel comfortable being ourselves and can still play music together.

Well, they approached us a month or so ago to tell us that they were going there to get married and wanted to know if we’d want to join them in any aspect of it. They encouraged us to also get married but wanted us to at least come stand with them, regardless of whether we decided to also get married. They have all the contacts out there, a person to do the ceremony, connections to how to legally apply and all that. Essentially, doing it with them helps make it really easy….and I also have a good friend in San Diego (Jim Tompkins from college.)

This is something that George and I had never even discussed. The main reason I want to be married is the legal protections it can bring. And even though it’s only legal in California and places that recognize it (which currently would be only New York State), it’s a step in the right direction. And if other states ever begin to recognize its legality, it would ease my mind a lot about our future. My big fear has always been one of us getting injured and the other not even being able to BE there with them because we are not married or next of kin. It may only be legal in California for a month too, as there is a referendum in California in November to ban gay marriage, reversing the ability to get married. The vote is going to be very close too. My understanding though is that it is not retroactive, and those marriages performed until that time will still be legal there, which means they would also be recognized in NY and any other state that begins to recognize them in the future.

So no, it’s not that romantic, but I didn’t need the romantic aspect of marriage. I’ve been married for 18 years already….just didn’t have a document to prove it. It’s also not a political statement of any kind. I respect the fact that many people do not think it should ever be legalized, although I do not respect their reasons behind it. I’ve never heard one I even believed was vaguely valid. I’m not asking for anyone’s blessing or acceptance, but I hope and believe that most everyone we choose to tell will be happy for us.

We’re not planning to make a big deal of it….and will be married on the Beach by a friend of Chris and Paula’s, probably with only them there, and perhaps my local friend. We’ll probably have a party when we get home (and our kitchen is done.)

Many people seem to have their weddings planned from the time they are 10. Neither of us have ever considered marriage before, so neither of us had any desires for a particular kind of ceremony or have even thought about rings or what we'll wear or anything like that. It's not important to us, the ceremonial aspect of it....simple is best.

The only people who we've told is our sisters at this point....George's sister Debbie, and my three sisters. I wanted to tell my sisters first to ask their opinion on whether i should tell my parents, although I believed I should. They were wonderful when I told them I was gay, so I didn't have too much doubt that they'll accept this too. I think they probably don't believe in it since they ARE Republican, but at the same time, I know how they feel about me and George and they are active parts of our lives. They already treat George like another son. So I will definitely tell them.

I'll tell any friends who care to know, but again probably won't push it.

I already love George and long ago decided that my life would be spent with him, and he made that same choice. This doesn't change that in any way other than to put it on a piece of paper.

What to play....what to play.....followup

Well, the decision of what to play this fall in DCDD was finally made, thanks to help from a friend. I was realy agonizing about what to play this year.

1) Had a 'falling out' with French Horn this year and needed to step away from it for awhile.
2) Wanted to play Trumpet, but found out we already had plenty and they not only don't need me, but don't really want me to play it.
3) Could've played Euphonium, which was my main instrument, but wasn't really into it as I don't have a good horn and the band also doesn't need them.
4) Percussion was on my mind until I found out we have 9 coming this fall...definitely didn't need another.
5) Wanted to play what the band needed most, tuba, but had no instrument and found out that most places don't rent them or have extremely limited selections of them to rent.

About 2 weeks ago I was beginning to get really worried cause it looked like I had nothing to play that I wanted to play. But awhile back I had asked my friend Scott (a real tuba-player....shut-up Scott, it's true) to help me pick out a rental tuba and he had agreed. So when I told him that was off because there were none to be found, he very kindly and graciously out of the blue, offered to loan me HIS tuba. I was floored, but immediately excited and now it looks like I'm going to be playing tuba afterall. Thanks SOOOOOO much Scott!

Just to prove that I really AM crazy, I also decided to switch from Bari Sax to Trombone in Swing band (had been considering it for awhile and we really need them badly).....AND managed to get Stonewall brass moving forward, which means that I'll still be playing some French Horn...and I still have Bari in the sax quartet. AND I'm attempting to get good enough on Claude Bolling's Toot Suite to play trumpet at the small ensemble concert next fall.

So....I'm learning two new instruments, Trombone and Tuba - and the Tuba is a C Tuba meaning I also have to transpose everything - and still playing two others in groups and another as a solo. But the craziest part is, there are four different brass instruments all with radically different mouthpiece sizes (ok, Horn and trumpet are pretty close.)

And none of these instruments are my real one. I really hope I can handle this.

And I'm also doing all of this while under a new conductor who is going to simply think I'm a lousy tuba player and completely nuts.

Oh well, never claimed to be sane :).