'Weighty' thoughts

When I was a very small boy....I was a twig. I actually had to wear 'slim' size pants and seeing pictures of me in my first 7-8 years still kind of shocks me.

I suppose I was a twig mostly cause I was a very picky eater. I refused to eat any beef, and in fact really didn't like meat. Our big treat was McDonald's once a month or so and I wouldn't eat anything but french fries and milk shakes. I don't know what I did like, but it wasn't much...just ask my Mother.

Before I hit 10, I suddenly went from 'slim' jeans to 'husky' jeans with NO stop in the 'normal' department. I guess I must've discovered food at that time, and since I've now made it to 47 years without ever learning the 'joys' of exercise.....that discovery caught up with me quickly and has hung around ever since.

Of course as a child, you really don't pay attention to such things. I didn't know I was fat and didn't much care. That is until a few years later when I had an honest conversation with my sister Allyn (4 years older than me and definitely noticing appearance, weight and boys.) I can't remember why we were talking about it, but I remember the exact words that she used...words that scarred me deeply despite their humble start coming from the honesty of a young girl.

She said to me, 'Several of my friends have told me that you'd be cute if you weren't FAT!'.

Suddenly my life changed because I was labelled. I was a fat person and despite all efforts, I remain a fat person. Now 'fat person' doesn't necessarily mean that you are 200 lbs overweight, that you're lazy, that you eat all the wrong things. 'Fat person' is a philosophy and a way of thinking that stays with you. It's the inability to see yourself as anything other than overweight. I understand Anorexia and Bulimia only too well because that is exactly what they stem from. People get down to 90 lbs and still feel fat....if you've never been there, it's difficult to understand. I've not only been there, but lived with it.

Now since I've been an adult, I've been everywhere from 155lbs to 230 lbs....this from a 5'8" guy. When I was 230, I felt fat. When I was 200, I felt fat...180, fat....160, still fat. Yes even when I was the skinniest I ever had been and felt pretty good about myself, I still felt like a fat cow. I felt better because I looked better in smaller clothes, but I still felt fat and felt that anyone who saw me otherwise, just hadn't seen me with my clothes off yet. (I AM lucky in that I have the type of body that doesn't show the fat as obviously as some people....I weigh more than people usually realize.)

I've been dieting nearly non-stop since I was in high school. Unfortunately, like most fat people, it only sticks with me in temporary waves...some long-lasting, but none yet permanent. When I was 230 lbs in high school, my Mom sent me to a doctor who gave me what seemed like miracle pills. I took about 9 pills a day (he explained each one and I promptely forgot all that information) and I had zero side effects. Over the course of a summer, without any serious dieting, I lost 60 lbs.

It was a life-changing miracle! Ok, not....but it did give me a great Senior year where I actually felt pretty good.

By my Junior year in college, the weight was all back on of course....miracle cures don't work for any length of time. So that summer, my mom promised to send me back to the miracle doctor....only to find out he died in the meantime. That was devastating as I thought all you had to do to lose weight was take some pills! And no one else in the world gave out those pills...dangit. (I should've bought my lifetime supply while he was still around!) But my Mom was already on weight watchers (entire family has the weight problem) so she essentially just fed me ww for the summer, and I started to exercise, running 2 miles a day every day....and I lost those same 60 lbs again and had a great Senior year where I felt good about myself again.

That time I'd done it right....and that weight stayed off for many, many years, plus it taught me what I needed to do if I was going to lose weight again. However, neither of those weight losses made me change my thoughts on who I was...a 'fat person'

It gets harder every year to lose weight, and my expectations have changed over the years....I know that I'll never be skinny so I no longer kill myself trying...rather I want to get to a reasonable weight and stay there. I tell myself that I'm not dieting...I'm changing how I eat. (just wish I believed what I say.) Now I'm fighting the weight and the mental issue, plus age. Because of my age, I've finally realized that my biggest struggle is really accepting myself how I am and getting the philosophy of simply a 'fat person' out of my head.

Having that philosophy has hurt me in so many ways. I never learned the universal gay art of 'eye contact' because of it. I love looking at good-looking guys, and whenever I am looking at someone with thoughts of 'cute', lust or similar in my head, and they look back for any reason, I look away rather than making eye contact. This is because deep down I believe that no one finds me truly attractive, and when they see me looking, their thought is something along the lines of disgust....'why is that fat cow staring at me....like he has any chance at all'. And if anyone did show any interest in me at all....I was completely tense and mortified the minute they touched my body or tried to see me without clothes on. OMG, they'll see or feel how fat I really am!

My brain says, how stupid can you be? But my brain doesn't always control me....logical thought sometimes gets no where when fighting against ingrained beliefs. It's a miracle that I ever found George (and that he loves me despite my insecurity.)

I'm still struggling daily with the weight. I'm still struggling daily with my self-image. Despite George's reassurances, I still think that no-one ever lusts after me....and those that might, just haven't seen the real me. George feels lust and our sex life is generally great, but I still believe that any lust he feels stems from what I do to him, rather than what he sees when he looks at my naked body. So he doesn't feel lust for ME, he feels it for how I make HIM feel. (and I'm sorry if I'm not giving him enough credit...because re-reading this, makes me feel like I'm making excuses.) The really sad part is, now I also feel like it's too late to ever feel truly attractive. I'm already too old for a 20-something or even a 30-something to even glance at me twice. I have average looks and a fat body....and I'm STILL not comfortable being touched. Trust me, I'm quite comfortable doing the touching :).......but I'm quite uncomfortable when I'm touched back.

It's funny how, when you have this 'fat person' mentality, you can find reasons to dismiss nearly every compliment you get. If George or my family say anything about looking good, I dismiss it immediately as 'well they HAVE to say that.' If a friend or a stranger walked up to me and told me I was gorgeous (and no, nothing like that has ever happened)...I'd be looking for the cane, and if I didn't find one, deciding that they had no taste, caught me in a favorable light, and hadn't seen my real body.

It's also funny how you can be so self-aware of your thought patterns, and at the same time, completely helpless to change them.

Oh well, I'm a FAT PERSON....get over it Swoper!