My Personal Year in Review....with some major tangents

It's been a fairly amazing year....one of the most stressful of my life, yet not necessarily BAD stress....just large amounts of stress in various ways.

Some quick highlights:

Politics and News - I'm usually not very political, but this has to be the most interesting year politically I've ever experienced. From Hillary being the first female major presidential candidate, who I supported whole-heartedly, to Obama winning a hard-fought primary and becoming the first black party-nominee for president and who I also supported whole-heartedly after Hillary dropped out....to Obama becoming the historic first black president and more importantly to me, him getting Republicans out of office. Then of course there is the economic news....all of it bad. And sports news....the Olympics were SOOOO much fun for me....I bought a Terabyte drive for my Tivo so I could tape as much as I wanted, and I'm STILL watching the Olympics now. Last night I finished up watching the Pairs Synchronized Swimming and I still have probably 30-40 more hours to watch.

Marriage - Politics lead to personal life - There was Prop 8 in California to overturn the legalization of gay marriage there....which of course affected me directly since George and I got married in California this year. Getting married was a true experience as I've blogged about already.

Music - As I've also blogged about already, I picked up two new instruments this fall and struggled mightily with one and feeling mostly successful with the other one, right up until the moment I played my big solo. Music was stressful this year because of the new instruments, new conductor for the band, new friends I've become close to and because we played too many concerts in the band, leading to constant rehearsals to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.

Health - I had two health scares with George this year. He has something weird going on with his eye that no one can tell us for certain what it is. It's bloodshot, tearing and bulging out making his eyes uneven, giving him double vision at times....this has been going on for months and all they are doing it 'monitoring it'. They think it's thyroid related, but nothing shows on tests and they won't treat until something does. So we wait.... Then in November he started complaining about knee pain....turned out to be a torn meniscus and he had to have surgery....which luckily went well and he's almost recovered. Also had a scare with Skippy where I thought we were losing him....and it happened of course at 10:30 at night AFTER I bowled and got home and George was laid up with his knee so I got to do it alone. He apparently must've swallowed something and was acting drugged up, but all I knew was he was confused and not himself and it seemed very bad. About $1100 and much stress later, we dont' have a clue what it was, but he's ok now. He's approaching 15, but doing well.

Bowling and Socializing - George never gets out unless I drag him out. So this year I got us to join the gay bowling league, despite the fact that he didn't really want to do it. Although I like bowling, I'm already busy many nights, and I did NOT need something else to do. However, he has no such activities and I wanted to find something to do together, so I forced the issue. I mostly enjoyed it and I think he did too, to a point. But first opportunity he had, he ditched it and now I'm stuck doing it by myself....another activity to take up another of my nights. Something came up at his work every other Thursday evening, and rather than telling them that he had a committment or see if there was anything he could do about it, he literally LEPT at my off-handed suggestion that he tell Steve to find someone else. Sure the job is more important, but it would've been nice if he had tried or at least investigated. Most places will understand if you already had a committment and will attempt to accomodate you. Guess we'll never know now and I'm feeling very stuck....yes, I'm very annoyed. I've been trying to just forget it because it just causes me stress to talk about it and the 2nd half of the year is just starting. And George asked me if I was just going to drop out too.....I can't do that to Steve or Jeff and feel a responsibility once I start something to see it through....thanks Mom :(.

Home - We finally got off our rears and did something to the house this year, and typical of me, dove in head first and did the kitchen as our first major project. Ultimately it was very successful and we are happy....and I truly think that overall we had it pretty easy as home projects go, but living with no kitchen for months was stressful.

Personal Life - I've struggled alot with depression this year and feel like I may be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, questioning everything, but especially myself. I discovered that I really don't like myself very much and am struggling to overcome it.

Relationships - I became much closer to several friends this year, and at the same time, feel like no one really knows me and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my personal feelings....except maybe my friend Jackie in Ohio. Here's an example....playing the Traces solo at the DCDD concert was huge for me this year. I was struggling musically because of the tuba and feeling like a failure at the time. Trombone was keeping me more musically sane because it was so much more natural for me. And I practiced the solo really hard (for me) and thought I was going to kick butt....and when the solo came and went, I did 'ok', basically. Although it was not horrible, it also was not memorable or even particularly good. In my heart it felt like a major failure again. I was really, really upset about it for several days, but felt like I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't get many comments and the comments I did get were mostly 'good for someone who just picked up the instrument'. That is a back-assed comment and hurt a lot more than it helped. I am a musician, and I wanted to be GREAT, period, not good for someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about how I really felt about it, and every time I tried I would just hear comments along the lines of the one above and that I'm too hard on myself. when I finally wrote to Jackie and admitted that I felt I might've been better off never trying the solo, she did what she and I always do....reached through the computer and slapped me.....told me like it really is and put it in perspective. She made me understand that the comments were not insults at all, that I am a perfectionist (never thought that about myself) about some things like this and that (and this is a quote) "I am completely crazy for telling myself that I shouldn't have tried it....I should be praising myself for having the courage to push beyond my comfort zone." I also realized from all of that how passive agressive I can be....I desparately needed comments from friends to tell me that I played well....validation I guess because tuba had shaken my confidence. Some people I was sure I would hear from barely said a word, which shook my confidence even more.

In any case Jackie....thanks. As usual you know me better than anyone else since you and I are so much alike in many ways. We understand each other so completely. I used to feel that with Genilee but that went away a few years back. I don't have that with anyone else right now. None of my in town friends really know me very well....my own fault probably.

Obviously I also have a very fragile ego. I dont' have a lot of confidence in anything I do, and music is the one place where I normally have quite a bit. This year has harmed that confidence. And I'm disappointed that no one tried to help me find a tuba to play so that I could continue playing it this Spring. Ultimately it's my own responsibility, but I guess I felt like even with my struggles, playing tuba really helped the band out.....yet the band is doing nothing to help me find an instrument to play. My problem is, I keep thinking of it as an entity, 'the band', rather than a collection of volunteer individuals with their own things to deal with. If I've learned anything from my years with the band, it should be that there IS no entity, no history (shown when I was denied playing in the 1993 inauguration of Clinton because I had taken the fall season off for the first time in 10 years), no helping individuals. You have to TAKE what you get from the band, the social aspect, the musical enjoyment because there is no memory beyond yesterday and no magical organization that will help you out. Yet even knowing that....I'm still disappointed...I still waited and hoped that Joe or someone would help.

Sex - some of you might not want to proceed any further reading this post.....this next part is especially personal and not something everyone should or wants to know. I am writing it because this serves as my diary in some ways and I need to say things out loud to help me think them through. Proceed at your own risk. George and I actually did open up our relationship a bit this year to occasionally add in an extra person for a 'fun evening'. We've met 4 people and actually did the deed with two of them (different times, and each twice so far.) The whole process was very stressful because I discovered a few other things about myself that I don't like much. I'm too controlling and at the same time very shy....I'm picky and only am interested in people I think are really attractive, yet have nothing looks-wise to offer to anyone since I'm fat and a plain-Jane looker. I'm not comfortable being touched....which is partially whath makes me a top and sexually controlling in some ways. I feel so completely unattractive that no one has ever convinced me that they WANT to touch me, even George. And although I look fat at the moment, I usually hide my true weight fairly well with clothes on. So when someone touches my body, I feel like they are seeing the true me finally and couldn't possibly feel desire and might even be repulsed. So twice now, we tried to have someone join us and I got uncomfortable when they started touching me, and freaked out and ran out and ruined it. Then there's the Manhunt aspect of it. George joined and started looking for people and he has no discerning taste and apparently no clue what I like and don't like, even after I tell him. So I started getting constant, 'this guy wants to get together with us' and when I'd try to find out a few details, get nothing much back. George seemed to think that 4-5 replies was getting to know someone, even if it was a couple of words each. And I constantly had to be the one to say no....stressful. And then George sort of got addicted to looking and started spending ALL his time on manhunt (that's calmed down a lot now.) Being as I'm the picky one with a lot of hangups, it probably should've been me looking to begin with, but I was really doing it for him because he has more of a constant sex drive than I do. And in some ways I know I don't satisfy that....another point of my failure in my mind. He'd do it every night if he could. But because I'm the 'controlling top', it falls on me to do 100% of the work involved in sex. I know it shouldn't be work, but if you want to keep things fresh you have to constantly look for new interesting things to do. I have to plan ahead and have to get myself in the mood and I try to make it special every time. I can't just 'jump in' like I sometimes have the urge to do because he doesn't really like quickies...wants it to take hours every time (probably cause he doesn't get it often enough for his liking.) So the whole 'manhunt' and adding someone in thing is partially a way to take the pressure off of me....give George another outlet. I would even be ok with it if he found someone on his own to play with (I already know he is safe and would remain so.) Sex is one small aspect of a relationship and if he was having sex with someone else, I'd be fine with it as long as it's honest and open.....and it doesnt' mean he'd stop having it with me or we'd even slow down.....to me it just means he'd be able to stay more satisfied. But he doesn't want to go there....only together. I have my own manhunt profile too for us and go on very occasionally, but every time someone emails me, I freak out and jump off...lol. It's such a dilemma, being a top who is shy. Band camp showed a good example of that because Matt and Chad were very open with me and while they are friends who I wouldn't never want to take advantage of or anything, I'm so shy that I had to be TOLD to touch them even when I had clear opportunities to be touchy-feely...lol, I have so many stupid hangups.

In any case, it all was part of this momentous year.

Oh and I even got a promotion at work that I didn't even want. I didn't feel like I was ready to get bumped up since I've only been here a year, but a position opened up and I was basically told to apply for it, and got it. I'm not complaining about the money, mind you, but I feel like it's too soon, and I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that during the worst economic times in my lifetime, when people all over the place are LOSING their jobs and taking cuts, even here at Postal, I get handed a promotion. So I've barely mentioned it to anyone and haven't celebrated or anything. Why do I feel guilty? It's just stupid.

The more I write, the more screwed up I feel....guess somewhere along this posting, I completely lost track of what I was posting about......thus another Swoper's Rambling.