Another one of these days I've been having a lot of in the last year...in fact this is actually the 2nd day of it. I just feel so totally like I don't want to deal with the world today, or yesterday. I don't want to speak to anyone, see anyone or have any human contact at all. Actually, if it's like yesterday, basically ANY contact. Even the animals were being pushed away yesterday at times...don't feel like dealing with them either.
Yesterday I woke up after more sleep than I'd had in at least a week, but feeling like I needed to immediately take a nap....I was dragging like crazy and felt extremely tired. It was 2 hours before I started to feel awake, and less than another hour after that when I started feeling really depressed and unhappy. I tried to do a few useful things, grocery shopping, doing bills....intended on doing some cleaning. But when I"m in this mood, I also don't feel like doing anything and nothing seems to satisfy. I played my normal games, but wasn't into any of it. I saw and watched two lousy football games and both of my teams looked like crap (I'm over football for the year and it's only the 2nd week.) Thought about reading, thought about working on the basement clutter, thought about going for a bike ride or going to the gym. But I felt no desire for any of it and felt very much stuck. The longer the day went, the worse I felt mentally. George tried to make a comment here or there, but I was non-communicative to say the least, and probably verging on rude. I forced myself to perk up enough to watch some TV, went to bed fairly late, and woke up feeling the same today.
I don't know what is wrong with me, but I hate me when I'm like this. I have nothing positive to say about anything and my face feels like it's glued in a frown. I don't want to go to band when I'm like this, but I don't have much choice either. I'm just glad the rehearsal will be short since I'm not doing Wind Ensemble or Marching Band.
I'm concerned that too much of my life is spent like this recently. We went through a really bad patch of time since George's Dad died, but I felt like since he started getting some help, that my problems also were getting better. But here I am feeling like this again. I was like this the last two Monday's too...no doubt started off those times because of weekend weight gain, but why that should set me off this extremely I don't know.
I should probably go see someone....except I wouldn't even know what to say or what to talk about. There's nothing particularly wrong today...just the way I feel right now.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, February 16, 2009
Kitchen Remodelling
As promised, before and after shots of our kitchen:
Looking into dining room
View looking at far wall
Looking from far wall through to dining room
Corner where sink eventually ends up and pennisula
Deconstruction
Poor confused pooper in the mess in the living room
Oh how I'll miss the holes in our ceiling that were there for more than a year!
Fridge is in same place but area is reconfigured to be useful...looking towards dining room on the right there
Construction
Far wall cupboards, but originally they had the wrong facings....these are more traditional and what we got rid of
Pennisula/bar being built
The mess we lived with for months with no kitchen
Far wall again, this time with the right cupboard faces...looks out at deck
same
Looking towards dining room, can see pennisula, granite and part of the bar
looking over bar towards dining room
The backsplash
Corner sink, pennisula and deck beyond
Corner sink looking towards floor
Bar/deck
Looking into dining room
View looking at far wall
Looking from far wall through to dining room
Corner where sink eventually ends up and pennisula
Deconstruction
Poor confused pooper in the mess in the living room
Oh how I'll miss the holes in our ceiling that were there for more than a year!
Fridge is in same place but area is reconfigured to be useful...looking towards dining room on the right there
Construction
Far wall cupboards, but originally they had the wrong facings....these are more traditional and what we got rid of
Pennisula/bar being built
The mess we lived with for months with no kitchen
Far wall again, this time with the right cupboard faces...looks out at deck
same
Looking towards dining room, can see pennisula, granite and part of the bar
looking over bar towards dining room
The backsplash
Corner sink, pennisula and deck beyond
Corner sink looking towards floor
Bar/deck
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Just to clear up a few details
I guess after I poured out my guts last time, I lost interest in blogging for awhile....trying to get back to it now. My good friend Chad must've gotten around to reading my blog again recently because he mentioned the last one to me and I had to scramble to remember what I wrote. After re-reading it just now, I realized that I was overly harsh with a few things in my last posting.
For one thing, George is back bowling with me already and showing every sign of wanting to continue. And he never read the blog to find out how hurt I felt at the time, so it's totally genuine and not a reaction to what I wrote. I was being unfair. Thanks hon (when you get around to reading it.)
I'm over the whole tuba thing and am very happy playing Trombone in band right now. I was a bit nervous about it because it's a whole different way of playing than Swing music, and in some ways a lot more difficult, plus the band does some really heavy, hard music these days. But I'm handling it fine and really enjoying it. I'm even inspired to practice (like I should be) which is a good thing. I"m perfectly happy never playing tuba again...although I also know now that I could go back to it and be fine there too.
One thing I said was pretty true...I'm kind of screwed up right now. I'm suffering from bouts of depression and can't even explain why I feel bad. On my birthday I woke up (George was already up) and was so depressed I could barely make myself get out of bed. Poor George didnt' know what to do for me and I didn't know either. I'm horrible to be with when I'm depressed becasue I don't want sympathy or to for anyone to attempt to cheer me up...giving the other person not many options. I could barely talk....this was not because it was my birthday or I was getting older or anything. I really don't know what it was. But the encouraging thing was that I took charge and FORCED myself to get over it by pampering myself and forcing us to go out to lunch (which I really didn't want to do), planning for a movie at the theatre (which I eventually bagged) then inviting us over to Steve an Mike's later that night for pinball and movies. We had a really good time and by the time I went to bed, it had been a very good day. Thank you George, for putting up with it, and thank you all three for helping me turn the day around and stop wallowing in depression.
I have had a good week this week though...been feeling pretty up. So I'm hopeful this was temporary. I was really charged at band this week playing trombone on all these difficult pieces, and it continued with Sax Quartet and Swing band. tonight, I plan to get my first 200+ bowling (been planning it for 3 months, each week...but we wont' mention that.)
I PROMISE to get kitchen pictures in here very soon, so that there is something vaguely interesting to read/see finally :).
For one thing, George is back bowling with me already and showing every sign of wanting to continue. And he never read the blog to find out how hurt I felt at the time, so it's totally genuine and not a reaction to what I wrote. I was being unfair. Thanks hon (when you get around to reading it.)
I'm over the whole tuba thing and am very happy playing Trombone in band right now. I was a bit nervous about it because it's a whole different way of playing than Swing music, and in some ways a lot more difficult, plus the band does some really heavy, hard music these days. But I'm handling it fine and really enjoying it. I'm even inspired to practice (like I should be) which is a good thing. I"m perfectly happy never playing tuba again...although I also know now that I could go back to it and be fine there too.
One thing I said was pretty true...I'm kind of screwed up right now. I'm suffering from bouts of depression and can't even explain why I feel bad. On my birthday I woke up (George was already up) and was so depressed I could barely make myself get out of bed. Poor George didnt' know what to do for me and I didn't know either. I'm horrible to be with when I'm depressed becasue I don't want sympathy or to for anyone to attempt to cheer me up...giving the other person not many options. I could barely talk....this was not because it was my birthday or I was getting older or anything. I really don't know what it was. But the encouraging thing was that I took charge and FORCED myself to get over it by pampering myself and forcing us to go out to lunch (which I really didn't want to do), planning for a movie at the theatre (which I eventually bagged) then inviting us over to Steve an Mike's later that night for pinball and movies. We had a really good time and by the time I went to bed, it had been a very good day. Thank you George, for putting up with it, and thank you all three for helping me turn the day around and stop wallowing in depression.
I have had a good week this week though...been feeling pretty up. So I'm hopeful this was temporary. I was really charged at band this week playing trombone on all these difficult pieces, and it continued with Sax Quartet and Swing band. tonight, I plan to get my first 200+ bowling (been planning it for 3 months, each week...but we wont' mention that.)
I PROMISE to get kitchen pictures in here very soon, so that there is something vaguely interesting to read/see finally :).
Friday, December 26, 2008
My Personal Year in Review....with some major tangents
It's been a fairly amazing year....one of the most stressful of my life, yet not necessarily BAD stress....just large amounts of stress in various ways.
Some quick highlights:
Politics and News - I'm usually not very political, but this has to be the most interesting year politically I've ever experienced. From Hillary being the first female major presidential candidate, who I supported whole-heartedly, to Obama winning a hard-fought primary and becoming the first black party-nominee for president and who I also supported whole-heartedly after Hillary dropped out....to Obama becoming the historic first black president and more importantly to me, him getting Republicans out of office. Then of course there is the economic news....all of it bad. And sports news....the Olympics were SOOOO much fun for me....I bought a Terabyte drive for my Tivo so I could tape as much as I wanted, and I'm STILL watching the Olympics now. Last night I finished up watching the Pairs Synchronized Swimming and I still have probably 30-40 more hours to watch.
Marriage - Politics lead to personal life - There was Prop 8 in California to overturn the legalization of gay marriage there....which of course affected me directly since George and I got married in California this year. Getting married was a true experience as I've blogged about already.
Music - As I've also blogged about already, I picked up two new instruments this fall and struggled mightily with one and feeling mostly successful with the other one, right up until the moment I played my big solo. Music was stressful this year because of the new instruments, new conductor for the band, new friends I've become close to and because we played too many concerts in the band, leading to constant rehearsals to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.
Health - I had two health scares with George this year. He has something weird going on with his eye that no one can tell us for certain what it is. It's bloodshot, tearing and bulging out making his eyes uneven, giving him double vision at times....this has been going on for months and all they are doing it 'monitoring it'. They think it's thyroid related, but nothing shows on tests and they won't treat until something does. So we wait.... Then in November he started complaining about knee pain....turned out to be a torn meniscus and he had to have surgery....which luckily went well and he's almost recovered. Also had a scare with Skippy where I thought we were losing him....and it happened of course at 10:30 at night AFTER I bowled and got home and George was laid up with his knee so I got to do it alone. He apparently must've swallowed something and was acting drugged up, but all I knew was he was confused and not himself and it seemed very bad. About $1100 and much stress later, we dont' have a clue what it was, but he's ok now. He's approaching 15, but doing well.
Bowling and Socializing - George never gets out unless I drag him out. So this year I got us to join the gay bowling league, despite the fact that he didn't really want to do it. Although I like bowling, I'm already busy many nights, and I did NOT need something else to do. However, he has no such activities and I wanted to find something to do together, so I forced the issue. I mostly enjoyed it and I think he did too, to a point. But first opportunity he had, he ditched it and now I'm stuck doing it by myself....another activity to take up another of my nights. Something came up at his work every other Thursday evening, and rather than telling them that he had a committment or see if there was anything he could do about it, he literally LEPT at my off-handed suggestion that he tell Steve to find someone else. Sure the job is more important, but it would've been nice if he had tried or at least investigated. Most places will understand if you already had a committment and will attempt to accomodate you. Guess we'll never know now and I'm feeling very stuck....yes, I'm very annoyed. I've been trying to just forget it because it just causes me stress to talk about it and the 2nd half of the year is just starting. And George asked me if I was just going to drop out too.....I can't do that to Steve or Jeff and feel a responsibility once I start something to see it through....thanks Mom :(.
Home - We finally got off our rears and did something to the house this year, and typical of me, dove in head first and did the kitchen as our first major project. Ultimately it was very successful and we are happy....and I truly think that overall we had it pretty easy as home projects go, but living with no kitchen for months was stressful.
Personal Life - I've struggled alot with depression this year and feel like I may be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, questioning everything, but especially myself. I discovered that I really don't like myself very much and am struggling to overcome it.
Relationships - I became much closer to several friends this year, and at the same time, feel like no one really knows me and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my personal feelings....except maybe my friend Jackie in Ohio. Here's an example....playing the Traces solo at the DCDD concert was huge for me this year. I was struggling musically because of the tuba and feeling like a failure at the time. Trombone was keeping me more musically sane because it was so much more natural for me. And I practiced the solo really hard (for me) and thought I was going to kick butt....and when the solo came and went, I did 'ok', basically. Although it was not horrible, it also was not memorable or even particularly good. In my heart it felt like a major failure again. I was really, really upset about it for several days, but felt like I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't get many comments and the comments I did get were mostly 'good for someone who just picked up the instrument'. That is a back-assed comment and hurt a lot more than it helped. I am a musician, and I wanted to be GREAT, period, not good for someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about how I really felt about it, and every time I tried I would just hear comments along the lines of the one above and that I'm too hard on myself. when I finally wrote to Jackie and admitted that I felt I might've been better off never trying the solo, she did what she and I always do....reached through the computer and slapped me.....told me like it really is and put it in perspective. She made me understand that the comments were not insults at all, that I am a perfectionist (never thought that about myself) about some things like this and that (and this is a quote) "I am completely crazy for telling myself that I shouldn't have tried it....I should be praising myself for having the courage to push beyond my comfort zone." I also realized from all of that how passive agressive I can be....I desparately needed comments from friends to tell me that I played well....validation I guess because tuba had shaken my confidence. Some people I was sure I would hear from barely said a word, which shook my confidence even more.
In any case Jackie....thanks. As usual you know me better than anyone else since you and I are so much alike in many ways. We understand each other so completely. I used to feel that with Genilee but that went away a few years back. I don't have that with anyone else right now. None of my in town friends really know me very well....my own fault probably.
Obviously I also have a very fragile ego. I dont' have a lot of confidence in anything I do, and music is the one place where I normally have quite a bit. This year has harmed that confidence. And I'm disappointed that no one tried to help me find a tuba to play so that I could continue playing it this Spring. Ultimately it's my own responsibility, but I guess I felt like even with my struggles, playing tuba really helped the band out.....yet the band is doing nothing to help me find an instrument to play. My problem is, I keep thinking of it as an entity, 'the band', rather than a collection of volunteer individuals with their own things to deal with. If I've learned anything from my years with the band, it should be that there IS no entity, no history (shown when I was denied playing in the 1993 inauguration of Clinton because I had taken the fall season off for the first time in 10 years), no helping individuals. You have to TAKE what you get from the band, the social aspect, the musical enjoyment because there is no memory beyond yesterday and no magical organization that will help you out. Yet even knowing that....I'm still disappointed...I still waited and hoped that Joe or someone would help.
Sex - some of you might not want to proceed any further reading this post.....this next part is especially personal and not something everyone should or wants to know. I am writing it because this serves as my diary in some ways and I need to say things out loud to help me think them through. Proceed at your own risk. George and I actually did open up our relationship a bit this year to occasionally add in an extra person for a 'fun evening'. We've met 4 people and actually did the deed with two of them (different times, and each twice so far.) The whole process was very stressful because I discovered a few other things about myself that I don't like much. I'm too controlling and at the same time very shy....I'm picky and only am interested in people I think are really attractive, yet have nothing looks-wise to offer to anyone since I'm fat and a plain-Jane looker. I'm not comfortable being touched....which is partially whath makes me a top and sexually controlling in some ways. I feel so completely unattractive that no one has ever convinced me that they WANT to touch me, even George. And although I look fat at the moment, I usually hide my true weight fairly well with clothes on. So when someone touches my body, I feel like they are seeing the true me finally and couldn't possibly feel desire and might even be repulsed. So twice now, we tried to have someone join us and I got uncomfortable when they started touching me, and freaked out and ran out and ruined it. Then there's the Manhunt aspect of it. George joined and started looking for people and he has no discerning taste and apparently no clue what I like and don't like, even after I tell him. So I started getting constant, 'this guy wants to get together with us' and when I'd try to find out a few details, get nothing much back. George seemed to think that 4-5 replies was getting to know someone, even if it was a couple of words each. And I constantly had to be the one to say no....stressful. And then George sort of got addicted to looking and started spending ALL his time on manhunt (that's calmed down a lot now.) Being as I'm the picky one with a lot of hangups, it probably should've been me looking to begin with, but I was really doing it for him because he has more of a constant sex drive than I do. And in some ways I know I don't satisfy that....another point of my failure in my mind. He'd do it every night if he could. But because I'm the 'controlling top', it falls on me to do 100% of the work involved in sex. I know it shouldn't be work, but if you want to keep things fresh you have to constantly look for new interesting things to do. I have to plan ahead and have to get myself in the mood and I try to make it special every time. I can't just 'jump in' like I sometimes have the urge to do because he doesn't really like quickies...wants it to take hours every time (probably cause he doesn't get it often enough for his liking.) So the whole 'manhunt' and adding someone in thing is partially a way to take the pressure off of me....give George another outlet. I would even be ok with it if he found someone on his own to play with (I already know he is safe and would remain so.) Sex is one small aspect of a relationship and if he was having sex with someone else, I'd be fine with it as long as it's honest and open.....and it doesnt' mean he'd stop having it with me or we'd even slow down.....to me it just means he'd be able to stay more satisfied. But he doesn't want to go there....only together. I have my own manhunt profile too for us and go on very occasionally, but every time someone emails me, I freak out and jump off...lol. It's such a dilemma, being a top who is shy. Band camp showed a good example of that because Matt and Chad were very open with me and while they are friends who I wouldn't never want to take advantage of or anything, I'm so shy that I had to be TOLD to touch them even when I had clear opportunities to be touchy-feely...lol, I have so many stupid hangups.
In any case, it all was part of this momentous year.
Oh and I even got a promotion at work that I didn't even want. I didn't feel like I was ready to get bumped up since I've only been here a year, but a position opened up and I was basically told to apply for it, and got it. I'm not complaining about the money, mind you, but I feel like it's too soon, and I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that during the worst economic times in my lifetime, when people all over the place are LOSING their jobs and taking cuts, even here at Postal, I get handed a promotion. So I've barely mentioned it to anyone and haven't celebrated or anything. Why do I feel guilty? It's just stupid.
The more I write, the more screwed up I feel....guess somewhere along this posting, I completely lost track of what I was posting about......thus another Swoper's Rambling.
Some quick highlights:
Politics and News - I'm usually not very political, but this has to be the most interesting year politically I've ever experienced. From Hillary being the first female major presidential candidate, who I supported whole-heartedly, to Obama winning a hard-fought primary and becoming the first black party-nominee for president and who I also supported whole-heartedly after Hillary dropped out....to Obama becoming the historic first black president and more importantly to me, him getting Republicans out of office. Then of course there is the economic news....all of it bad. And sports news....the Olympics were SOOOO much fun for me....I bought a Terabyte drive for my Tivo so I could tape as much as I wanted, and I'm STILL watching the Olympics now. Last night I finished up watching the Pairs Synchronized Swimming and I still have probably 30-40 more hours to watch.
Marriage - Politics lead to personal life - There was Prop 8 in California to overturn the legalization of gay marriage there....which of course affected me directly since George and I got married in California this year. Getting married was a true experience as I've blogged about already.
Music - As I've also blogged about already, I picked up two new instruments this fall and struggled mightily with one and feeling mostly successful with the other one, right up until the moment I played my big solo. Music was stressful this year because of the new instruments, new conductor for the band, new friends I've become close to and because we played too many concerts in the band, leading to constant rehearsals to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.
Health - I had two health scares with George this year. He has something weird going on with his eye that no one can tell us for certain what it is. It's bloodshot, tearing and bulging out making his eyes uneven, giving him double vision at times....this has been going on for months and all they are doing it 'monitoring it'. They think it's thyroid related, but nothing shows on tests and they won't treat until something does. So we wait.... Then in November he started complaining about knee pain....turned out to be a torn meniscus and he had to have surgery....which luckily went well and he's almost recovered. Also had a scare with Skippy where I thought we were losing him....and it happened of course at 10:30 at night AFTER I bowled and got home and George was laid up with his knee so I got to do it alone. He apparently must've swallowed something and was acting drugged up, but all I knew was he was confused and not himself and it seemed very bad. About $1100 and much stress later, we dont' have a clue what it was, but he's ok now. He's approaching 15, but doing well.
Bowling and Socializing - George never gets out unless I drag him out. So this year I got us to join the gay bowling league, despite the fact that he didn't really want to do it. Although I like bowling, I'm already busy many nights, and I did NOT need something else to do. However, he has no such activities and I wanted to find something to do together, so I forced the issue. I mostly enjoyed it and I think he did too, to a point. But first opportunity he had, he ditched it and now I'm stuck doing it by myself....another activity to take up another of my nights. Something came up at his work every other Thursday evening, and rather than telling them that he had a committment or see if there was anything he could do about it, he literally LEPT at my off-handed suggestion that he tell Steve to find someone else. Sure the job is more important, but it would've been nice if he had tried or at least investigated. Most places will understand if you already had a committment and will attempt to accomodate you. Guess we'll never know now and I'm feeling very stuck....yes, I'm very annoyed. I've been trying to just forget it because it just causes me stress to talk about it and the 2nd half of the year is just starting. And George asked me if I was just going to drop out too.....I can't do that to Steve or Jeff and feel a responsibility once I start something to see it through....thanks Mom :(.
Home - We finally got off our rears and did something to the house this year, and typical of me, dove in head first and did the kitchen as our first major project. Ultimately it was very successful and we are happy....and I truly think that overall we had it pretty easy as home projects go, but living with no kitchen for months was stressful.
Personal Life - I've struggled alot with depression this year and feel like I may be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, questioning everything, but especially myself. I discovered that I really don't like myself very much and am struggling to overcome it.
Relationships - I became much closer to several friends this year, and at the same time, feel like no one really knows me and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my personal feelings....except maybe my friend Jackie in Ohio. Here's an example....playing the Traces solo at the DCDD concert was huge for me this year. I was struggling musically because of the tuba and feeling like a failure at the time. Trombone was keeping me more musically sane because it was so much more natural for me. And I practiced the solo really hard (for me) and thought I was going to kick butt....and when the solo came and went, I did 'ok', basically. Although it was not horrible, it also was not memorable or even particularly good. In my heart it felt like a major failure again. I was really, really upset about it for several days, but felt like I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't get many comments and the comments I did get were mostly 'good for someone who just picked up the instrument'. That is a back-assed comment and hurt a lot more than it helped. I am a musician, and I wanted to be GREAT, period, not good for someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about how I really felt about it, and every time I tried I would just hear comments along the lines of the one above and that I'm too hard on myself. when I finally wrote to Jackie and admitted that I felt I might've been better off never trying the solo, she did what she and I always do....reached through the computer and slapped me.....told me like it really is and put it in perspective. She made me understand that the comments were not insults at all, that I am a perfectionist (never thought that about myself) about some things like this and that (and this is a quote) "I am completely crazy for telling myself that I shouldn't have tried it....I should be praising myself for having the courage to push beyond my comfort zone." I also realized from all of that how passive agressive I can be....I desparately needed comments from friends to tell me that I played well....validation I guess because tuba had shaken my confidence. Some people I was sure I would hear from barely said a word, which shook my confidence even more.
In any case Jackie....thanks. As usual you know me better than anyone else since you and I are so much alike in many ways. We understand each other so completely. I used to feel that with Genilee but that went away a few years back. I don't have that with anyone else right now. None of my in town friends really know me very well....my own fault probably.
Obviously I also have a very fragile ego. I dont' have a lot of confidence in anything I do, and music is the one place where I normally have quite a bit. This year has harmed that confidence. And I'm disappointed that no one tried to help me find a tuba to play so that I could continue playing it this Spring. Ultimately it's my own responsibility, but I guess I felt like even with my struggles, playing tuba really helped the band out.....yet the band is doing nothing to help me find an instrument to play. My problem is, I keep thinking of it as an entity, 'the band', rather than a collection of volunteer individuals with their own things to deal with. If I've learned anything from my years with the band, it should be that there IS no entity, no history (shown when I was denied playing in the 1993 inauguration of Clinton because I had taken the fall season off for the first time in 10 years), no helping individuals. You have to TAKE what you get from the band, the social aspect, the musical enjoyment because there is no memory beyond yesterday and no magical organization that will help you out. Yet even knowing that....I'm still disappointed...I still waited and hoped that Joe or someone would help.
Sex - some of you might not want to proceed any further reading this post.....this next part is especially personal and not something everyone should or wants to know. I am writing it because this serves as my diary in some ways and I need to say things out loud to help me think them through. Proceed at your own risk. George and I actually did open up our relationship a bit this year to occasionally add in an extra person for a 'fun evening'. We've met 4 people and actually did the deed with two of them (different times, and each twice so far.) The whole process was very stressful because I discovered a few other things about myself that I don't like much. I'm too controlling and at the same time very shy....I'm picky and only am interested in people I think are really attractive, yet have nothing looks-wise to offer to anyone since I'm fat and a plain-Jane looker. I'm not comfortable being touched....which is partially whath makes me a top and sexually controlling in some ways. I feel so completely unattractive that no one has ever convinced me that they WANT to touch me, even George. And although I look fat at the moment, I usually hide my true weight fairly well with clothes on. So when someone touches my body, I feel like they are seeing the true me finally and couldn't possibly feel desire and might even be repulsed. So twice now, we tried to have someone join us and I got uncomfortable when they started touching me, and freaked out and ran out and ruined it. Then there's the Manhunt aspect of it. George joined and started looking for people and he has no discerning taste and apparently no clue what I like and don't like, even after I tell him. So I started getting constant, 'this guy wants to get together with us' and when I'd try to find out a few details, get nothing much back. George seemed to think that 4-5 replies was getting to know someone, even if it was a couple of words each. And I constantly had to be the one to say no....stressful. And then George sort of got addicted to looking and started spending ALL his time on manhunt (that's calmed down a lot now.) Being as I'm the picky one with a lot of hangups, it probably should've been me looking to begin with, but I was really doing it for him because he has more of a constant sex drive than I do. And in some ways I know I don't satisfy that....another point of my failure in my mind. He'd do it every night if he could. But because I'm the 'controlling top', it falls on me to do 100% of the work involved in sex. I know it shouldn't be work, but if you want to keep things fresh you have to constantly look for new interesting things to do. I have to plan ahead and have to get myself in the mood and I try to make it special every time. I can't just 'jump in' like I sometimes have the urge to do because he doesn't really like quickies...wants it to take hours every time (probably cause he doesn't get it often enough for his liking.) So the whole 'manhunt' and adding someone in thing is partially a way to take the pressure off of me....give George another outlet. I would even be ok with it if he found someone on his own to play with (I already know he is safe and would remain so.) Sex is one small aspect of a relationship and if he was having sex with someone else, I'd be fine with it as long as it's honest and open.....and it doesnt' mean he'd stop having it with me or we'd even slow down.....to me it just means he'd be able to stay more satisfied. But he doesn't want to go there....only together. I have my own manhunt profile too for us and go on very occasionally, but every time someone emails me, I freak out and jump off...lol. It's such a dilemma, being a top who is shy. Band camp showed a good example of that because Matt and Chad were very open with me and while they are friends who I wouldn't never want to take advantage of or anything, I'm so shy that I had to be TOLD to touch them even when I had clear opportunities to be touchy-feely...lol, I have so many stupid hangups.
In any case, it all was part of this momentous year.
Oh and I even got a promotion at work that I didn't even want. I didn't feel like I was ready to get bumped up since I've only been here a year, but a position opened up and I was basically told to apply for it, and got it. I'm not complaining about the money, mind you, but I feel like it's too soon, and I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that during the worst economic times in my lifetime, when people all over the place are LOSING their jobs and taking cuts, even here at Postal, I get handed a promotion. So I've barely mentioned it to anyone and haven't celebrated or anything. Why do I feel guilty? It's just stupid.
The more I write, the more screwed up I feel....guess somewhere along this posting, I completely lost track of what I was posting about......thus another Swoper's Rambling.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Time for Appreciation
Thanksgiving is tomorrow and it's about time I pause and think about some of the things I have to be Thankful for. Too often I moan and groan about everything wrong, when so very much in life is exactly right. Here's a few things:
I'm Thankful that I have George - he IS my life....he keeps me sane and grounded, accepts me with my multitude of faults and doesn't try to change me despite them. He's kind, generous, loving and hot and I'm so very happy we found each other and proud to call him my husband.
I'm Thankful for my family. I could not have possibly been luckier than to have the parents and sisters that I have. Each of them is unique and wonderful.
I'm Thankful for my dear friends. Friends have always been important to me and this year seems to have made them even MORE important and prominent in my life. Jackie is probably my oldest closest friend, from college. Chris and Paula, who George and I travelled to San Diego with to get married, are dear dear friends. Steve Collins is a long-time, very close friend, along with his partner Mike. Jim Brooks is a dear friend that I've had a very unusual relationship with over the years, and right now I feel we're very close. I've become even closer to several other people this year, Matt & Chad (my boys), Scott SM, Rob, Beth, Scott B, Paul, Stan, Aditi, Anja, Lisa-Marie and many more who I'm failing to mention by name, especially my DCDD friends (apologies.)
I'm thankful that I continue to have music in my life. It's been an interesting year musically, what with Tuba and Trombone, being in 4 groups on 4 instruments and other stuff. I still love it, despite being overwhelmed at times.
I'm thankful for my animals, Skippy, Rachi and Copeland...they are great
I'm thankful that George and I both have our health
I'm thankful for our new kitchen and the fact that we have the resources available to do a major project like that. (which I suppose means I'm thankful for our jobs?)
I'm thankful for life....it is a most precious thing which we all should remember from time to time.
I'm Thankful that I have George - he IS my life....he keeps me sane and grounded, accepts me with my multitude of faults and doesn't try to change me despite them. He's kind, generous, loving and hot and I'm so very happy we found each other and proud to call him my husband.
I'm Thankful for my family. I could not have possibly been luckier than to have the parents and sisters that I have. Each of them is unique and wonderful.
I'm Thankful for my dear friends. Friends have always been important to me and this year seems to have made them even MORE important and prominent in my life. Jackie is probably my oldest closest friend, from college. Chris and Paula, who George and I travelled to San Diego with to get married, are dear dear friends. Steve Collins is a long-time, very close friend, along with his partner Mike. Jim Brooks is a dear friend that I've had a very unusual relationship with over the years, and right now I feel we're very close. I've become even closer to several other people this year, Matt & Chad (my boys), Scott SM, Rob, Beth, Scott B, Paul, Stan, Aditi, Anja, Lisa-Marie and many more who I'm failing to mention by name, especially my DCDD friends (apologies.)
I'm thankful that I continue to have music in my life. It's been an interesting year musically, what with Tuba and Trombone, being in 4 groups on 4 instruments and other stuff. I still love it, despite being overwhelmed at times.
I'm thankful for my animals, Skippy, Rachi and Copeland...they are great
I'm thankful that George and I both have our health
I'm thankful for our new kitchen and the fact that we have the resources available to do a major project like that. (which I suppose means I'm thankful for our jobs?)
I'm thankful for life....it is a most precious thing which we all should remember from time to time.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Feeling like a heifer
Today I feel fat.....and I mean hugely largely overly terribly obesely fat.
Guess I ate too much (for the last 47 years....)
Here's a picture just taken of me...
Guess I ate too much (for the last 47 years....)
Here's a picture just taken of me...
Monday, November 3, 2008
No Matter What California decides
I'm very happy that I decided to get married. This whole experience turned out to be so much more important and memorable to me than I ever expected.
First the followup to our wedding weekend. My sister Allyn came into town the following Thursday to help celebrate with the family and also to see my DCDD concert. The concert went really well and my whole family loved it. I'm only slightly disappointed that she saw me on tuba instead of horn since she's a horn player and has never heard me play it.
That Sunday, George and I (only slightly hung over from the post-band celebration we'd stayed too late for) went over to Genilee's house to celebrate the wedding with the family. I expected it to be like our birthday celebrations basically....a meal, good conversation, maybe a dessert, a present from each of them. But I could see as soon as I walked in that I'd underestimated greatly what they had planned. There was decorations, a table loaded with presents and even a wedding cake with tiers....which I was sure they must've purchased, but which I found out later my Mom had made. And as the afternoon went, I realized that they'd actually planned a full shower/reception sort of party, complete with games like the newlywood game for the couples (which we won of course) and the game where I'm blindfolded an feel everyone's feet and guess which is George's. And each of the game resulted in us getting yet another present. If we won, we'd open one, and if someeone else won, they'd pick one for us to open....lol. It was all centered around George and me, and it was FUN! I had a great time and even George, who hates games, seemed to enjoy it all. We got a load of really great presents, from a Kitchenaid, to kitchen decorations, toaster, kitchen clock, some pans and other stuff for the new kitchen, and even a beautiful piece of stained glass that Allyn made which will also go in the kitchen. Having never considered wedding presents or a wedding shower or reception....this was really something special for us.
The really special thing about the thing though.....was the legitimacy that it gave us. That sounds a bit strange, but what I mean by that is simply that my family felt it was very important for us to realize that they believed our wedding was like every other wedding in the family....just as important and just as true. It was really imporant to my mother that she get to throw us this shower/reception because she didn't get to be there for the actual wedding.
It touched my heart to know how my family feels. I knew that they always loved and accepted George, and certainly me. Yet somehow I underestimated their feelings about the wedding and the formalization of our relationship. I am blessed to have this family.
First the followup to our wedding weekend. My sister Allyn came into town the following Thursday to help celebrate with the family and also to see my DCDD concert. The concert went really well and my whole family loved it. I'm only slightly disappointed that she saw me on tuba instead of horn since she's a horn player and has never heard me play it.
That Sunday, George and I (only slightly hung over from the post-band celebration we'd stayed too late for) went over to Genilee's house to celebrate the wedding with the family. I expected it to be like our birthday celebrations basically....a meal, good conversation, maybe a dessert, a present from each of them. But I could see as soon as I walked in that I'd underestimated greatly what they had planned. There was decorations, a table loaded with presents and even a wedding cake with tiers....which I was sure they must've purchased, but which I found out later my Mom had made. And as the afternoon went, I realized that they'd actually planned a full shower/reception sort of party, complete with games like the newlywood game for the couples (which we won of course) and the game where I'm blindfolded an feel everyone's feet and guess which is George's. And each of the game resulted in us getting yet another present. If we won, we'd open one, and if someeone else won, they'd pick one for us to open....lol. It was all centered around George and me, and it was FUN! I had a great time and even George, who hates games, seemed to enjoy it all. We got a load of really great presents, from a Kitchenaid, to kitchen decorations, toaster, kitchen clock, some pans and other stuff for the new kitchen, and even a beautiful piece of stained glass that Allyn made which will also go in the kitchen. Having never considered wedding presents or a wedding shower or reception....this was really something special for us.
The really special thing about the thing though.....was the legitimacy that it gave us. That sounds a bit strange, but what I mean by that is simply that my family felt it was very important for us to realize that they believed our wedding was like every other wedding in the family....just as important and just as true. It was really imporant to my mother that she get to throw us this shower/reception because she didn't get to be there for the actual wedding.
It touched my heart to know how my family feels. I knew that they always loved and accepted George, and certainly me. Yet somehow I underestimated their feelings about the wedding and the formalization of our relationship. I am blessed to have this family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)