There are many things that remain unresolved between us, and many things I've wanted to say to you over the years. I want you to know how I feel about you, both the bad and the good and I really want to know how you feel about me after all we have been through together. But the world, and my personality, conspired against it ever happening. Even though you can never see this note now, I still need to write it, to tell you how I feel after all these years.
You and I had an extremely complicated relationship....right from the get-go. Back in 1990 when we first met, I had still never had a relationship, was barely even comfortable around gay people at all, never feeling part of that group. Essentially I was a 29-year-old-virgin-for-life, or so I thought. The only experiences I'd had as a gay man were really to join the band but barely ever speak to anyone, and my brass quintet. The only dates I ever had were complete failures, and I'd given up going out to bars and so forth to meet people because I just was never comfortable there and usually felt worse after than before I went. Although it appalls me to think that I felt this way, I had convinced myself that it was ok to be alone permanently, never to be loved, never to have sex. I guess I probably believed I wasn't worthy, had too many hangups...and it just wasn't meant to be. No person had ever pursued me or told me that I was attractive that way, and I didn't know how to pursue anyone either....so I was alone.
Then you came along and joined the band. I have to admit, my very first impression of you was that 'this older guy is too friendly and I don't trust it.' Even though I was totally inexperienced, I was quickly convinced you were after me for more than friendship. But not long after, I discovered you had been with someone for 10 years (George of course), and we became good friends.
I truly treasure the beginning of our relationship, the 8-9 months before we actually brought it to another level. You and George were so good to me in so many ways. You introduced me to many many things I'd never been exposed to before, both things in the gay community like the Flirtations and Romanovsky & Phillips, and cultural things like concerts, museums, gardens, etc. For the first time you made me feel like I was truly exposed to gay people who were really comfortable in being gay, and especially to a gay relationship. I had no experience with them, even short-term, and I didn't even imagine that life could be so 'normal' with a gay couple.
You also made me truly feel good about myself again, or perhaps for the first time since college and High School. You convinced me that there are people who believe I am good-looking, talented and interesting. Never had my confidence been boosted like that before, and probably never since either.
I have to admit that I was certainly confused during that time. Both of you made me feel so good, yet I saw this long-term relationship and I started having feelings that I thought were just wrong. I found myself falling in love with a couple...with each of you individually, but also with the relationship you had. I must admit I didnt' really see both sides of the true relationship at first....I saw the hand holding, the going home together, the always being together....and I WANTED it for myself too. It was confusing because you also seemed to be more interested in me than just as a friend...which it turns out you were. And when it really did become more...you then convinced me that it was what George wanted too (which wasn't true) and that it could work in the long run (which I still believe is true.)
Almost as soon as it became a relationship, cracks did start to form between us. We started to argue a lot. Those cracks got larger and larger and by the time we decided to buy a house together...were probably already irreparable. It was a mistake for me to do that, and I very nearly did not...but I let it happen. We spent the next 3 years with those cracks getting larger and larger, and me feeling less and less close to you.
That is not to say those years were all bad. Even after cracks formed, there were wonderful things about our relationship and you. I always appreciated the fact that you were such a 'doer' and you dragged George and I along with you always (with no protesting.) You were the one who made us do something virtually every weekend, from going to Falling Water, to Lancaster to the fish Store, to Shepherdstown, to concerts, to exhibits, etc, etc, etc. There was always something and we were always doing it. As long as we could avoid arguing, we were having a great time. I STILL miss that today....I know it was all you because George and I just rarely ever do those types of things. The three of us did weekend trips, day trips, small trips, big trips...we were just constantly doing. George and I just don't, and I wish I could get back into that habit. You taught me how great that could be....and it truly helps make life interesting.
Jim, you made me feel the best AND the worst about myself, but you made me FEEL. I both loved and hated our time together. We argued almost constantly, and I never felt that I won a single argument with you, so it was like beating my head against a rock for 7 years. I know you've never believed this, but I am not by nature an argumentative person. I've never been like that with anyone else in the world....but I never met anyone quite so pig-headed as you about certain things either. There was no convincing you even that I had a valid point most of the time, and you belittled me and told me I had no idea what I was talking about all the time. I'll never forget the argument about how little i know about relationships and how two people that are together should be together 100% of the time, and not have their own interestes, etc. You actually convinced me that I simply had no idea how a relationship should work. In fact you convinced me of a lot of things...mostly of my own failings in life. you shook my confidence in my ability to understand people and relate to them to the core. Eventually I just couldn't live with it anymore. We went through periods that were good, and lots that were unbearable, and it just eventually skewed to the point where I could not live with it on a daily basis. I needed to get my confidence back and needed to get out on my own.
When I decided to leave you, I truly believed I was deciding to leave Jim AND George. When I look back in my journal at the very early years, I told myself that if nothing else, I wanted to ensure that I never damaged what you two had....never came between you. When I told George that I was leaving, i did not ever ask him to come...I told him that I just couldn't live with you anymore and i was leaving. I was shocked when he said he was coming with me. George is the most loyal person i know and the least likely to embrace change. But somehow in those 7 years, George fell in love with me and his love for me trumped his fear of change. I think he was more fearful of losing me than of this huge change. I still don't know what he sees or saw in me, but I know how lucky I am to have him. And I also know how it affected you at first, although as the years went on, it became less and less clear to me.
I think at first you came as close to hating me as it's possible for you to hate someone. Somehow I took the blame for everything that happened. I could see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. It was many months later before you even spoke to me outside of work. I'm positive that you believed that I convinced George to leave you too...and it's simply not true. For a few years I could tell that you still depended on George...over the years he had become someone who you depended on in many ways to do things for you, and because of the situation we continued to be in for a year after it became official that we were splitting, you could continue to depend on him. You tried not to, but quickly slipped back into the habit. We had that house together and because of your demands to get out of it every penny you put into it, we couldn't afford to take a loss on it, so it sat for a year with all of us still living there, but no longer together. The only one who really lost on it was me...and I lost every penny I put into it. But I did understand and was willing to do that to make it easier on you. It was the price I paid for leaving.
I don't mean to take credit where it's not due, but you need to realize that the reason you were able to continue a relationship with George to the point where you became friends was directly because of me. I knew you wanted nothing to do with me, and I also knew that you needed someone you could depend on. I still loved you in my way and I wanted to help, but I knew you wouldn't accept it from me, so I PUSHED George into it....I made sure he checked in on you, helped you where you needed it etc. Of course it's completely in his nature to be that way anyhow, but he was ready to walk away in those early years after our split...and I wouldn't let him.
It was kind of like the Bruiser/Spike/Skippy situation. The first words out of your mouth after we told you were that you were taking Bruiser. Despite the fact that I never had ANY intention of letting that happen, I knew it wasn't the time to argue, so I continued to take care of him, sure that you'd eventually come around. I never said a word about it and just waited, and you eventually were the one to come to the conclusion that he needed to stay with me, and his brothers.
I guess my point is that once we split, I had to go through a period of active silence....I never wanted to leave your life, and I knew from the situation with Marcia that's exactly what you wanted...me gone so that you could close that chapter of life and move on. but I wasn't willing to do that.
I believe that you eventually came to appreciate the fact that we remained in your life....as the years went by I felt like we became better and better friends. We were always there for you when you truly needed something and you were there for us as well. It became what I felt was a fairly comfortable, mutual friendship. By the time we all lost our jobs, we were already friends again from my perspective. I feel until the day you died, that remained true. What remains unresolved for me about all of it was how YOU felt throughout. I've never been one to force someone to talk....just not good at it unless they really want to. And you and I never truly had another conversation about anything that happened in the past, or even about how our friendship developed after that and if you really felt the same way about me that I did you. You were always an enigma.....and unfortunately, will always remain one.
Dwight indicated to me that you had written some fairly hateful things about me and how I caused all of your problems....and at first that truly disturbed me. But I choose now to believe that those things were early after the split and not recent. Dwight wasn't too good with the facts and timing of other things he told me he discovered about you, like Shasta's recent health and vets visits. And my instincts tell me that you stopped hating me and started appreciating my friendship somewhere along the line. I need to believe that my instincts were right for my own sanity and to move on.
I really struggled with your death....everything about it from discovering you ourselves to planning a memorial to dealing with Dwight and Debbie and George having to tell Dwight in the first place, to Shasta. Which brings me to her. I have to admit that when you got her I thought it was a big mistake...not that you were getting a pet, but that it was a huge dog. I knew physically you'd have a tough time with her and you really did....she was out of control for a few years until she matured. And a cat would've been what you truly needed...or at least a lap dog. I resented Shasta every time she came over because she disrupted cats and dogs in my house and she seemed so wrong for you. How ironic that I ended up with her....it took us awhile to accept each other. I know that she was very good for you in your last few years being your constant companion. When I finally got her out of the shelter after 3 weeks, she and I struggled because she was terrified of me. I'm not sure if it was the trauma she went through, or simply that she couldn't accept my voice of authority without being terrified by it, but she would freak out if I would even tell a cat to get off the counter. Things are slowly but surely getting better with us and I guess I've accepted the fact that she is ours now. I do promise to do the best by her that I possibly can cause I know you loved her.
Jim, I always loved you in my way and I always will. I'll never know how you felt about me and that will always sadden me. But I will hold up my head and believe that i did the best I could to keep us in each other's lives for the short amount of time we had. I will miss you and I will think about you a lot. You had an enormous effect on my life and the person that I am. I hope you are at peace now.
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