It's been a fairly amazing year....one of the most stressful of my life, yet not necessarily BAD stress....just large amounts of stress in various ways.
Some quick highlights:
Politics and News - I'm usually not very political, but this has to be the most interesting year politically I've ever experienced. From Hillary being the first female major presidential candidate, who I supported whole-heartedly, to Obama winning a hard-fought primary and becoming the first black party-nominee for president and who I also supported whole-heartedly after Hillary dropped out....to Obama becoming the historic first black president and more importantly to me, him getting Republicans out of office. Then of course there is the economic news....all of it bad. And sports news....the Olympics were SOOOO much fun for me....I bought a Terabyte drive for my Tivo so I could tape as much as I wanted, and I'm STILL watching the Olympics now. Last night I finished up watching the Pairs Synchronized Swimming and I still have probably 30-40 more hours to watch.
Marriage - Politics lead to personal life - There was Prop 8 in California to overturn the legalization of gay marriage there....which of course affected me directly since George and I got married in California this year. Getting married was a true experience as I've blogged about already.
Music - As I've also blogged about already, I picked up two new instruments this fall and struggled mightily with one and feeling mostly successful with the other one, right up until the moment I played my big solo. Music was stressful this year because of the new instruments, new conductor for the band, new friends I've become close to and because we played too many concerts in the band, leading to constant rehearsals to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.
Health - I had two health scares with George this year. He has something weird going on with his eye that no one can tell us for certain what it is. It's bloodshot, tearing and bulging out making his eyes uneven, giving him double vision at times....this has been going on for months and all they are doing it 'monitoring it'. They think it's thyroid related, but nothing shows on tests and they won't treat until something does. So we wait.... Then in November he started complaining about knee pain....turned out to be a torn meniscus and he had to have surgery....which luckily went well and he's almost recovered. Also had a scare with Skippy where I thought we were losing him....and it happened of course at 10:30 at night AFTER I bowled and got home and George was laid up with his knee so I got to do it alone. He apparently must've swallowed something and was acting drugged up, but all I knew was he was confused and not himself and it seemed very bad. About $1100 and much stress later, we dont' have a clue what it was, but he's ok now. He's approaching 15, but doing well.
Bowling and Socializing - George never gets out unless I drag him out. So this year I got us to join the gay bowling league, despite the fact that he didn't really want to do it. Although I like bowling, I'm already busy many nights, and I did NOT need something else to do. However, he has no such activities and I wanted to find something to do together, so I forced the issue. I mostly enjoyed it and I think he did too, to a point. But first opportunity he had, he ditched it and now I'm stuck doing it by myself....another activity to take up another of my nights. Something came up at his work every other Thursday evening, and rather than telling them that he had a committment or see if there was anything he could do about it, he literally LEPT at my off-handed suggestion that he tell Steve to find someone else. Sure the job is more important, but it would've been nice if he had tried or at least investigated. Most places will understand if you already had a committment and will attempt to accomodate you. Guess we'll never know now and I'm feeling very stuck....yes, I'm very annoyed. I've been trying to just forget it because it just causes me stress to talk about it and the 2nd half of the year is just starting. And George asked me if I was just going to drop out too.....I can't do that to Steve or Jeff and feel a responsibility once I start something to see it through....thanks Mom :(.
Home - We finally got off our rears and did something to the house this year, and typical of me, dove in head first and did the kitchen as our first major project. Ultimately it was very successful and we are happy....and I truly think that overall we had it pretty easy as home projects go, but living with no kitchen for months was stressful.
Personal Life - I've struggled alot with depression this year and feel like I may be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, questioning everything, but especially myself. I discovered that I really don't like myself very much and am struggling to overcome it.
Relationships - I became much closer to several friends this year, and at the same time, feel like no one really knows me and I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my personal feelings....except maybe my friend Jackie in Ohio. Here's an example....playing the Traces solo at the DCDD concert was huge for me this year. I was struggling musically because of the tuba and feeling like a failure at the time. Trombone was keeping me more musically sane because it was so much more natural for me. And I practiced the solo really hard (for me) and thought I was going to kick butt....and when the solo came and went, I did 'ok', basically. Although it was not horrible, it also was not memorable or even particularly good. In my heart it felt like a major failure again. I was really, really upset about it for several days, but felt like I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't get many comments and the comments I did get were mostly 'good for someone who just picked up the instrument'. That is a back-assed comment and hurt a lot more than it helped. I am a musician, and I wanted to be GREAT, period, not good for someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about how I really felt about it, and every time I tried I would just hear comments along the lines of the one above and that I'm too hard on myself. when I finally wrote to Jackie and admitted that I felt I might've been better off never trying the solo, she did what she and I always do....reached through the computer and slapped me.....told me like it really is and put it in perspective. She made me understand that the comments were not insults at all, that I am a perfectionist (never thought that about myself) about some things like this and that (and this is a quote) "I am completely crazy for telling myself that I shouldn't have tried it....I should be praising myself for having the courage to push beyond my comfort zone." I also realized from all of that how passive agressive I can be....I desparately needed comments from friends to tell me that I played well....validation I guess because tuba had shaken my confidence. Some people I was sure I would hear from barely said a word, which shook my confidence even more.
In any case Jackie....thanks. As usual you know me better than anyone else since you and I are so much alike in many ways. We understand each other so completely. I used to feel that with Genilee but that went away a few years back. I don't have that with anyone else right now. None of my in town friends really know me very well....my own fault probably.
Obviously I also have a very fragile ego. I dont' have a lot of confidence in anything I do, and music is the one place where I normally have quite a bit. This year has harmed that confidence. And I'm disappointed that no one tried to help me find a tuba to play so that I could continue playing it this Spring. Ultimately it's my own responsibility, but I guess I felt like even with my struggles, playing tuba really helped the band out.....yet the band is doing nothing to help me find an instrument to play. My problem is, I keep thinking of it as an entity, 'the band', rather than a collection of volunteer individuals with their own things to deal with. If I've learned anything from my years with the band, it should be that there IS no entity, no history (shown when I was denied playing in the 1993 inauguration of Clinton because I had taken the fall season off for the first time in 10 years), no helping individuals. You have to TAKE what you get from the band, the social aspect, the musical enjoyment because there is no memory beyond yesterday and no magical organization that will help you out. Yet even knowing that....I'm still disappointed...I still waited and hoped that Joe or someone would help.
Sex - some of you might not want to proceed any further reading this post.....this next part is especially personal and not something everyone should or wants to know. I am writing it because this serves as my diary in some ways and I need to say things out loud to help me think them through. Proceed at your own risk. George and I actually did open up our relationship a bit this year to occasionally add in an extra person for a 'fun evening'. We've met 4 people and actually did the deed with two of them (different times, and each twice so far.) The whole process was very stressful because I discovered a few other things about myself that I don't like much. I'm too controlling and at the same time very shy....I'm picky and only am interested in people I think are really attractive, yet have nothing looks-wise to offer to anyone since I'm fat and a plain-Jane looker. I'm not comfortable being touched....which is partially whath makes me a top and sexually controlling in some ways. I feel so completely unattractive that no one has ever convinced me that they WANT to touch me, even George. And although I look fat at the moment, I usually hide my true weight fairly well with clothes on. So when someone touches my body, I feel like they are seeing the true me finally and couldn't possibly feel desire and might even be repulsed. So twice now, we tried to have someone join us and I got uncomfortable when they started touching me, and freaked out and ran out and ruined it. Then there's the Manhunt aspect of it. George joined and started looking for people and he has no discerning taste and apparently no clue what I like and don't like, even after I tell him. So I started getting constant, 'this guy wants to get together with us' and when I'd try to find out a few details, get nothing much back. George seemed to think that 4-5 replies was getting to know someone, even if it was a couple of words each. And I constantly had to be the one to say no....stressful. And then George sort of got addicted to looking and started spending ALL his time on manhunt (that's calmed down a lot now.) Being as I'm the picky one with a lot of hangups, it probably should've been me looking to begin with, but I was really doing it for him because he has more of a constant sex drive than I do. And in some ways I know I don't satisfy that....another point of my failure in my mind. He'd do it every night if he could. But because I'm the 'controlling top', it falls on me to do 100% of the work involved in sex. I know it shouldn't be work, but if you want to keep things fresh you have to constantly look for new interesting things to do. I have to plan ahead and have to get myself in the mood and I try to make it special every time. I can't just 'jump in' like I sometimes have the urge to do because he doesn't really like quickies...wants it to take hours every time (probably cause he doesn't get it often enough for his liking.) So the whole 'manhunt' and adding someone in thing is partially a way to take the pressure off of me....give George another outlet. I would even be ok with it if he found someone on his own to play with (I already know he is safe and would remain so.) Sex is one small aspect of a relationship and if he was having sex with someone else, I'd be fine with it as long as it's honest and open.....and it doesnt' mean he'd stop having it with me or we'd even slow down.....to me it just means he'd be able to stay more satisfied. But he doesn't want to go there....only together. I have my own manhunt profile too for us and go on very occasionally, but every time someone emails me, I freak out and jump off...lol. It's such a dilemma, being a top who is shy. Band camp showed a good example of that because Matt and Chad were very open with me and while they are friends who I wouldn't never want to take advantage of or anything, I'm so shy that I had to be TOLD to touch them even when I had clear opportunities to be touchy-feely...lol, I have so many stupid hangups.
In any case, it all was part of this momentous year.
Oh and I even got a promotion at work that I didn't even want. I didn't feel like I was ready to get bumped up since I've only been here a year, but a position opened up and I was basically told to apply for it, and got it. I'm not complaining about the money, mind you, but I feel like it's too soon, and I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that during the worst economic times in my lifetime, when people all over the place are LOSING their jobs and taking cuts, even here at Postal, I get handed a promotion. So I've barely mentioned it to anyone and haven't celebrated or anything. Why do I feel guilty? It's just stupid.
The more I write, the more screwed up I feel....guess somewhere along this posting, I completely lost track of what I was posting about......thus another Swoper's Rambling.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Time for Appreciation
Thanksgiving is tomorrow and it's about time I pause and think about some of the things I have to be Thankful for. Too often I moan and groan about everything wrong, when so very much in life is exactly right. Here's a few things:
I'm Thankful that I have George - he IS my life....he keeps me sane and grounded, accepts me with my multitude of faults and doesn't try to change me despite them. He's kind, generous, loving and hot and I'm so very happy we found each other and proud to call him my husband.
I'm Thankful for my family. I could not have possibly been luckier than to have the parents and sisters that I have. Each of them is unique and wonderful.
I'm Thankful for my dear friends. Friends have always been important to me and this year seems to have made them even MORE important and prominent in my life. Jackie is probably my oldest closest friend, from college. Chris and Paula, who George and I travelled to San Diego with to get married, are dear dear friends. Steve Collins is a long-time, very close friend, along with his partner Mike. Jim Brooks is a dear friend that I've had a very unusual relationship with over the years, and right now I feel we're very close. I've become even closer to several other people this year, Matt & Chad (my boys), Scott SM, Rob, Beth, Scott B, Paul, Stan, Aditi, Anja, Lisa-Marie and many more who I'm failing to mention by name, especially my DCDD friends (apologies.)
I'm thankful that I continue to have music in my life. It's been an interesting year musically, what with Tuba and Trombone, being in 4 groups on 4 instruments and other stuff. I still love it, despite being overwhelmed at times.
I'm thankful for my animals, Skippy, Rachi and Copeland...they are great
I'm thankful that George and I both have our health
I'm thankful for our new kitchen and the fact that we have the resources available to do a major project like that. (which I suppose means I'm thankful for our jobs?)
I'm thankful for life....it is a most precious thing which we all should remember from time to time.
I'm Thankful that I have George - he IS my life....he keeps me sane and grounded, accepts me with my multitude of faults and doesn't try to change me despite them. He's kind, generous, loving and hot and I'm so very happy we found each other and proud to call him my husband.
I'm Thankful for my family. I could not have possibly been luckier than to have the parents and sisters that I have. Each of them is unique and wonderful.
I'm Thankful for my dear friends. Friends have always been important to me and this year seems to have made them even MORE important and prominent in my life. Jackie is probably my oldest closest friend, from college. Chris and Paula, who George and I travelled to San Diego with to get married, are dear dear friends. Steve Collins is a long-time, very close friend, along with his partner Mike. Jim Brooks is a dear friend that I've had a very unusual relationship with over the years, and right now I feel we're very close. I've become even closer to several other people this year, Matt & Chad (my boys), Scott SM, Rob, Beth, Scott B, Paul, Stan, Aditi, Anja, Lisa-Marie and many more who I'm failing to mention by name, especially my DCDD friends (apologies.)
I'm thankful that I continue to have music in my life. It's been an interesting year musically, what with Tuba and Trombone, being in 4 groups on 4 instruments and other stuff. I still love it, despite being overwhelmed at times.
I'm thankful for my animals, Skippy, Rachi and Copeland...they are great
I'm thankful that George and I both have our health
I'm thankful for our new kitchen and the fact that we have the resources available to do a major project like that. (which I suppose means I'm thankful for our jobs?)
I'm thankful for life....it is a most precious thing which we all should remember from time to time.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Feeling like a heifer
Today I feel fat.....and I mean hugely largely overly terribly obesely fat.
Guess I ate too much (for the last 47 years....)
Here's a picture just taken of me...
Guess I ate too much (for the last 47 years....)
Here's a picture just taken of me...
Monday, November 3, 2008
No Matter What California decides
I'm very happy that I decided to get married. This whole experience turned out to be so much more important and memorable to me than I ever expected.
First the followup to our wedding weekend. My sister Allyn came into town the following Thursday to help celebrate with the family and also to see my DCDD concert. The concert went really well and my whole family loved it. I'm only slightly disappointed that she saw me on tuba instead of horn since she's a horn player and has never heard me play it.
That Sunday, George and I (only slightly hung over from the post-band celebration we'd stayed too late for) went over to Genilee's house to celebrate the wedding with the family. I expected it to be like our birthday celebrations basically....a meal, good conversation, maybe a dessert, a present from each of them. But I could see as soon as I walked in that I'd underestimated greatly what they had planned. There was decorations, a table loaded with presents and even a wedding cake with tiers....which I was sure they must've purchased, but which I found out later my Mom had made. And as the afternoon went, I realized that they'd actually planned a full shower/reception sort of party, complete with games like the newlywood game for the couples (which we won of course) and the game where I'm blindfolded an feel everyone's feet and guess which is George's. And each of the game resulted in us getting yet another present. If we won, we'd open one, and if someeone else won, they'd pick one for us to open....lol. It was all centered around George and me, and it was FUN! I had a great time and even George, who hates games, seemed to enjoy it all. We got a load of really great presents, from a Kitchenaid, to kitchen decorations, toaster, kitchen clock, some pans and other stuff for the new kitchen, and even a beautiful piece of stained glass that Allyn made which will also go in the kitchen. Having never considered wedding presents or a wedding shower or reception....this was really something special for us.
The really special thing about the thing though.....was the legitimacy that it gave us. That sounds a bit strange, but what I mean by that is simply that my family felt it was very important for us to realize that they believed our wedding was like every other wedding in the family....just as important and just as true. It was really imporant to my mother that she get to throw us this shower/reception because she didn't get to be there for the actual wedding.
It touched my heart to know how my family feels. I knew that they always loved and accepted George, and certainly me. Yet somehow I underestimated their feelings about the wedding and the formalization of our relationship. I am blessed to have this family.
First the followup to our wedding weekend. My sister Allyn came into town the following Thursday to help celebrate with the family and also to see my DCDD concert. The concert went really well and my whole family loved it. I'm only slightly disappointed that she saw me on tuba instead of horn since she's a horn player and has never heard me play it.
That Sunday, George and I (only slightly hung over from the post-band celebration we'd stayed too late for) went over to Genilee's house to celebrate the wedding with the family. I expected it to be like our birthday celebrations basically....a meal, good conversation, maybe a dessert, a present from each of them. But I could see as soon as I walked in that I'd underestimated greatly what they had planned. There was decorations, a table loaded with presents and even a wedding cake with tiers....which I was sure they must've purchased, but which I found out later my Mom had made. And as the afternoon went, I realized that they'd actually planned a full shower/reception sort of party, complete with games like the newlywood game for the couples (which we won of course) and the game where I'm blindfolded an feel everyone's feet and guess which is George's. And each of the game resulted in us getting yet another present. If we won, we'd open one, and if someeone else won, they'd pick one for us to open....lol. It was all centered around George and me, and it was FUN! I had a great time and even George, who hates games, seemed to enjoy it all. We got a load of really great presents, from a Kitchenaid, to kitchen decorations, toaster, kitchen clock, some pans and other stuff for the new kitchen, and even a beautiful piece of stained glass that Allyn made which will also go in the kitchen. Having never considered wedding presents or a wedding shower or reception....this was really something special for us.
The really special thing about the thing though.....was the legitimacy that it gave us. That sounds a bit strange, but what I mean by that is simply that my family felt it was very important for us to realize that they believed our wedding was like every other wedding in the family....just as important and just as true. It was really imporant to my mother that she get to throw us this shower/reception because she didn't get to be there for the actual wedding.
It touched my heart to know how my family feels. I knew that they always loved and accepted George, and certainly me. Yet somehow I underestimated their feelings about the wedding and the formalization of our relationship. I am blessed to have this family.
Monday, October 20, 2008
A Weekend I'll Always Cherish
Thursday we woke as usual and went to work. But this was not a usual day or a usual time in our lives.....so we left work about noon, went home, picked up our things and traveled to Laurel to Chris and Paula's house. We all greeted each other with joy and excitement, and within a short time were on our way to the airport.
Once we got through the Delta ticket line (I don't ever recommend flying Delta again....took nearly 2 hours to process 10 people in that line and we almost missed the flight), we hopped onto our plane and headed for beautiful sunny San Diego.
The plan had been brewing for more than a month by that time, but not a significant amount of time considering what we were headed to California to do. It was hatched by Chris and her partner Paula, and George and I jumped fairly quickly on board both in support of them and for ourselves as well.
We arrived in San Diego after non-eventful flights and checked into the Del Cornado hotel that night and went to bed.
By 9am the next morning, the four of us were at the San Diego City Hall. The guard at the door greeted us warmly and asked what we were there for. 'We have an appointment to get our marriage licenses today.' She was very excited and asked us where we were from. When we told her Maryland and Virginia she got even more excited and said they should really put up a map on the wall and pushpins for all the places people are coming from to get married.....Alaska, Montana, etc, etc. This was because California had the decency to offer marriage licenses to gay people, and tons of people had made the trip we were making. Many more are probably headed there now to get in before the November 4th election when the voters of the state 'could' take that right back away from us again.
In any case, this was a happy occasion for us and we took lots of pictures, even in the hallways of city hall, snapping a pic of the 'marriage licenses --->' this way sign. The people in the office were equally as nice as the guard, and very helpful. Less than an hour later, we all had our licenses to be married later that day. They offered us a justice of the peace, but we had other plans.
The next few hours the four of us walked around various parts of Balboa Park....at one point we saw the world's largest outdoor organ being played by an older lady with several groups of schoolchildren watching as she gave a bit of music history while playing.
By noon, we all were at the Big Kitchen....a fabulous breakfast/lunch place run by a woman (Judy) who is an icon and a true personality. She's been a pillar of the gay community there in San Diego (and I'm not even sure she herself is gay...just very supportive) and George and I had gone there 10 years ago and met her. Whoopie Goldberg once washed dishes in her place when she was getting her start.....and Judy is still a stitch and a half. We met Karen and Robin there as well and all had lunch while discussing the wedding. Karen was to perform the ceremony and Robin is her wife/partner who was going to take pictures for us too. They are friends of Chris and Paula and Karen was ordained on-line through some universalist church that will ordain anyone....so she was technically clergy, although there was nothing religious about the ceremony. We discussed the plan....we would find a spot on the beach near the Del and do it there around 5pm.
After lunch we went back to the hotel to pick out our spot on the beach. When I stopped in the room, I found a beautiful basket filled with Wines and Chocolates and Snacks that my family had sent all of us to celebrate with. I about lost it on the spot when I read the card....although I should've known and expected it, they totally surprised me with the support they showed and I felt that my family was there with me in San Diego at that moment....I knew in their hearts that they were there and wanted to be with us. We proceeded to head to the beach. We spent an hour there and found a nice spot near an outcropping of rocks, then went and dipped our feet in the water and just enjoyed the view for awhile. It's a gorgeous spot with the ocean on one side and the beautiful Del Cornado on the other side....with a beach between.
With the spot picked out and the plan fully hatched, we went back to rest a bit, get dressed for the wedding and arranged to meet in our room at 4:30 for a pre-wedding toast, using the Wine we'd gotten (I even had room service bring up a corkscrew and real wine glasses.) We toasted their 21-year relationship and our 18-year relationship plus the significant friendship that the four of us have, and headed downstairs to meet up with Karen and Robin at 5.
Also at around 4:30 I got a frantic phone call from my good friend Jim Tompkins-Maclaine who lives with his partner Gerardo in San Diego (we stayed with them and went with them to the big kitchen 10 years ago and I've known Jim since college....he's an Ohio boy too.) Jim and I had connected again on facebook and he knew this was happening, but through a series of mishaps, he messed up the date of the wedding and only realized it 30 minutes beforehand. He was beside himself, but at that moment, I figured it was just fate and we weren't about to delay, so we hung up promising to talk later.
Once we met up with Karen and Robin, we all headed to our spot. Karen presided over a very nice ceremony for the four of us and Robin took lots of pictures. They also did a couple of really nice little touches to enhance things. They brought all 4 of us little bunches of flowers to hold, and a very nicely done certificate (with the Del as the background.) It was small and not very fancy....we were wearing flipflops because we were on the beach, but dressy, comfortable clothes otherwise.
Although prior to all of this I'd ever given much thought about actually getting married or what I would want in a ceremony, and it was short and sweet...and although I committed to George years ago....I've never meant anything in my life more than the words I said to George at that moment. It was the most significant moment in my life.
After the ceremony and lots of picture taking and laughter, we all headed to a fancy restaurant at the Del and had a wonderful dinner and conversation. That night we also arranged to meet up with Jim and Gerardo the next day. George and I of course went back to our room and had our first sex as a married couple! (we were virgins before that naturally.)
Next morning, we were up early and off to Disneyland where we met up with Jim and Gerardo just outside the park. We ran ourselves ragged all day long and had a great time.....did our usual ride on Dumbo with us in front of Chris and Paula so we could get pictures of them (it's a tradition between us) and rode every ride we could get into. The park was packed, but we really didn't care. An extra special touch was the Swing Band that was performing there that evening. It was a fabulous day. What made it extra special was the opportunity to get to know Gerardo while re-establishing what has always been a great friendship with Jim. Although they were together during our 10-years earlier trip, Gerardo barely spoke a word of English (he's from Mexico) and was very shy. And I felt like an idiot cause I could speak a word of Spanish either, so there were some awkward times and we went away feeling like we didn't know him at all. He speaks perfect English 10 years later and we actually got to know him for the first time...and he's just a delightful person as well.
The next day we were all pretty wiped from a more than 12-hour day of running around Disneyland. Chris and Paula headed off on their own to tour their old places they used to live (via car) and hook up with some other friends, and they dropped us off at a hotel downtown where we'd arranged to meet Jim and Gerardo for brunch. it was incredibly fancy and we drank a bit too much champagne (or George did.) Afterward, Jim had a rehearsal so we went back to their place....and ended up just hanging out there with them all day long, watching some TV, sitting on the couch and talking. Although it doesn't sound too exciting, it was exactly what we wanted...a time to simply relax and unwind and get to know a good friend and a new one again. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.
The next day, the four of us flew home together....all of it feeling pretty surreal.
It was a time I'll never forget. Although I hope gay marriage eventually becomes legal for all, and certainly hope that California does not overturn it.....we didn't do it for any political reason or to make a statement. We also didn't do it for legal reasons as it is not recognized here and Virginia is about as anti-gay as any state in the union. We didn't do it to tell each other that we were committed....that happened years ago. It was just a piece of paper. While we were doing it, we didn't really know WHY we were doing it.
But what I've come to realize is that it really means something to me and to George now...the act of having gone through the experience. I do feel a little bit different, a little bit more legitimate. And the reactions that we've gotten from friends and family add significantly to that feeling because people see us just slightly differently too. It feels wonderful to call him my husband.
Once we got through the Delta ticket line (I don't ever recommend flying Delta again....took nearly 2 hours to process 10 people in that line and we almost missed the flight), we hopped onto our plane and headed for beautiful sunny San Diego.
The plan had been brewing for more than a month by that time, but not a significant amount of time considering what we were headed to California to do. It was hatched by Chris and her partner Paula, and George and I jumped fairly quickly on board both in support of them and for ourselves as well.
We arrived in San Diego after non-eventful flights and checked into the Del Cornado hotel that night and went to bed.
By 9am the next morning, the four of us were at the San Diego City Hall. The guard at the door greeted us warmly and asked what we were there for. 'We have an appointment to get our marriage licenses today.' She was very excited and asked us where we were from. When we told her Maryland and Virginia she got even more excited and said they should really put up a map on the wall and pushpins for all the places people are coming from to get married.....Alaska, Montana, etc, etc. This was because California had the decency to offer marriage licenses to gay people, and tons of people had made the trip we were making. Many more are probably headed there now to get in before the November 4th election when the voters of the state 'could' take that right back away from us again.
In any case, this was a happy occasion for us and we took lots of pictures, even in the hallways of city hall, snapping a pic of the 'marriage licenses --->' this way sign. The people in the office were equally as nice as the guard, and very helpful. Less than an hour later, we all had our licenses to be married later that day. They offered us a justice of the peace, but we had other plans.
The next few hours the four of us walked around various parts of Balboa Park....at one point we saw the world's largest outdoor organ being played by an older lady with several groups of schoolchildren watching as she gave a bit of music history while playing.
By noon, we all were at the Big Kitchen....a fabulous breakfast/lunch place run by a woman (Judy) who is an icon and a true personality. She's been a pillar of the gay community there in San Diego (and I'm not even sure she herself is gay...just very supportive) and George and I had gone there 10 years ago and met her. Whoopie Goldberg once washed dishes in her place when she was getting her start.....and Judy is still a stitch and a half. We met Karen and Robin there as well and all had lunch while discussing the wedding. Karen was to perform the ceremony and Robin is her wife/partner who was going to take pictures for us too. They are friends of Chris and Paula and Karen was ordained on-line through some universalist church that will ordain anyone....so she was technically clergy, although there was nothing religious about the ceremony. We discussed the plan....we would find a spot on the beach near the Del and do it there around 5pm.
After lunch we went back to the hotel to pick out our spot on the beach. When I stopped in the room, I found a beautiful basket filled with Wines and Chocolates and Snacks that my family had sent all of us to celebrate with. I about lost it on the spot when I read the card....although I should've known and expected it, they totally surprised me with the support they showed and I felt that my family was there with me in San Diego at that moment....I knew in their hearts that they were there and wanted to be with us. We proceeded to head to the beach. We spent an hour there and found a nice spot near an outcropping of rocks, then went and dipped our feet in the water and just enjoyed the view for awhile. It's a gorgeous spot with the ocean on one side and the beautiful Del Cornado on the other side....with a beach between.
With the spot picked out and the plan fully hatched, we went back to rest a bit, get dressed for the wedding and arranged to meet in our room at 4:30 for a pre-wedding toast, using the Wine we'd gotten (I even had room service bring up a corkscrew and real wine glasses.) We toasted their 21-year relationship and our 18-year relationship plus the significant friendship that the four of us have, and headed downstairs to meet up with Karen and Robin at 5.
Also at around 4:30 I got a frantic phone call from my good friend Jim Tompkins-Maclaine who lives with his partner Gerardo in San Diego (we stayed with them and went with them to the big kitchen 10 years ago and I've known Jim since college....he's an Ohio boy too.) Jim and I had connected again on facebook and he knew this was happening, but through a series of mishaps, he messed up the date of the wedding and only realized it 30 minutes beforehand. He was beside himself, but at that moment, I figured it was just fate and we weren't about to delay, so we hung up promising to talk later.
Once we met up with Karen and Robin, we all headed to our spot. Karen presided over a very nice ceremony for the four of us and Robin took lots of pictures. They also did a couple of really nice little touches to enhance things. They brought all 4 of us little bunches of flowers to hold, and a very nicely done certificate (with the Del as the background.) It was small and not very fancy....we were wearing flipflops because we were on the beach, but dressy, comfortable clothes otherwise.
Although prior to all of this I'd ever given much thought about actually getting married or what I would want in a ceremony, and it was short and sweet...and although I committed to George years ago....I've never meant anything in my life more than the words I said to George at that moment. It was the most significant moment in my life.
After the ceremony and lots of picture taking and laughter, we all headed to a fancy restaurant at the Del and had a wonderful dinner and conversation. That night we also arranged to meet up with Jim and Gerardo the next day. George and I of course went back to our room and had our first sex as a married couple! (we were virgins before that naturally.)
Next morning, we were up early and off to Disneyland where we met up with Jim and Gerardo just outside the park. We ran ourselves ragged all day long and had a great time.....did our usual ride on Dumbo with us in front of Chris and Paula so we could get pictures of them (it's a tradition between us) and rode every ride we could get into. The park was packed, but we really didn't care. An extra special touch was the Swing Band that was performing there that evening. It was a fabulous day. What made it extra special was the opportunity to get to know Gerardo while re-establishing what has always been a great friendship with Jim. Although they were together during our 10-years earlier trip, Gerardo barely spoke a word of English (he's from Mexico) and was very shy. And I felt like an idiot cause I could speak a word of Spanish either, so there were some awkward times and we went away feeling like we didn't know him at all. He speaks perfect English 10 years later and we actually got to know him for the first time...and he's just a delightful person as well.
The next day we were all pretty wiped from a more than 12-hour day of running around Disneyland. Chris and Paula headed off on their own to tour their old places they used to live (via car) and hook up with some other friends, and they dropped us off at a hotel downtown where we'd arranged to meet Jim and Gerardo for brunch. it was incredibly fancy and we drank a bit too much champagne (or George did.) Afterward, Jim had a rehearsal so we went back to their place....and ended up just hanging out there with them all day long, watching some TV, sitting on the couch and talking. Although it doesn't sound too exciting, it was exactly what we wanted...a time to simply relax and unwind and get to know a good friend and a new one again. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.
The next day, the four of us flew home together....all of it feeling pretty surreal.
It was a time I'll never forget. Although I hope gay marriage eventually becomes legal for all, and certainly hope that California does not overturn it.....we didn't do it for any political reason or to make a statement. We also didn't do it for legal reasons as it is not recognized here and Virginia is about as anti-gay as any state in the union. We didn't do it to tell each other that we were committed....that happened years ago. It was just a piece of paper. While we were doing it, we didn't really know WHY we were doing it.
But what I've come to realize is that it really means something to me and to George now...the act of having gone through the experience. I do feel a little bit different, a little bit more legitimate. And the reactions that we've gotten from friends and family add significantly to that feeling because people see us just slightly differently too. It feels wonderful to call him my husband.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
A Whiney Day
Don't know why, but I woke up depressed today and can't seem to shake it. Rather than whine to my boys like I want to do....I decided to whine here to save them the trouble.
Ultimately this is nothing....Lots of little unimportant things are probably just adding up. I'm a bit unhappy that I'm getting married next week and I can't find a time to get my hair cut. I've been going to the same person for almost 20 years, but the only day I have any time in the next week....she's off work. I don't like any options I have....either go somewhere else (wouldn't know where and would probably end up with a bowl cut anyhow), go at some horribly inconventient time (not even sure if there IS one that could even work), or ask her to drag her rear in on her day off. I feel ugly and old enough as it is right now without having my hair look like crap too.
I'm pretty disombobulated at home at the moment because of the kitchen renovations....can't find anything, can't seem to ever remember where anything is or how to get to it. I'm washing dishes in a bathroom sink and draining them in the tub. They laid ceramic tile yesterday and were laying the last tiles when Steve arrived to pick me up for Swing Band. The tile is in the kitchen and powder room and comes all the way to the front door and steps to the upstairs. And of course we aren't allowed to step on it. But I had to get past that, into the living room for the Trombone, then down into the basement (access through the kitchen) without using the floor at all. I somehow managed but was pretty frazzled by the time I left. It's just weird coming home to your front door wide open and people working there that you can't even really communicate with.....another time I really wish I spoke Spanish.
I guess I'm still depressed from post-band camp too a bit. And Skippy isn't feeling good either and I'm a bit worried about him as well as pissed at one of my cats. We have a cat with cat-box problems....long history and it's not all his fault, but I still want to just wring his neck when he pisses on something on the bed right in front of me like he did last night. You can't really punish a cat with any good consequences, but me being me, I get angry at him and don't want to look at him for several days afterward. That irrational anger at my animals when they really don't understand why is what makes me question if I would've been a good parent. I often think I would've stunk. (luckily my anger manifests itself mentally and vocally rather than physically.)
Stupid little nothings getting me down today.....Ok, just need to shut up and bury myself in work.
Ultimately this is nothing....Lots of little unimportant things are probably just adding up. I'm a bit unhappy that I'm getting married next week and I can't find a time to get my hair cut. I've been going to the same person for almost 20 years, but the only day I have any time in the next week....she's off work. I don't like any options I have....either go somewhere else (wouldn't know where and would probably end up with a bowl cut anyhow), go at some horribly inconventient time (not even sure if there IS one that could even work), or ask her to drag her rear in on her day off. I feel ugly and old enough as it is right now without having my hair look like crap too.
I'm pretty disombobulated at home at the moment because of the kitchen renovations....can't find anything, can't seem to ever remember where anything is or how to get to it. I'm washing dishes in a bathroom sink and draining them in the tub. They laid ceramic tile yesterday and were laying the last tiles when Steve arrived to pick me up for Swing Band. The tile is in the kitchen and powder room and comes all the way to the front door and steps to the upstairs. And of course we aren't allowed to step on it. But I had to get past that, into the living room for the Trombone, then down into the basement (access through the kitchen) without using the floor at all. I somehow managed but was pretty frazzled by the time I left. It's just weird coming home to your front door wide open and people working there that you can't even really communicate with.....another time I really wish I spoke Spanish.
I guess I'm still depressed from post-band camp too a bit. And Skippy isn't feeling good either and I'm a bit worried about him as well as pissed at one of my cats. We have a cat with cat-box problems....long history and it's not all his fault, but I still want to just wring his neck when he pisses on something on the bed right in front of me like he did last night. You can't really punish a cat with any good consequences, but me being me, I get angry at him and don't want to look at him for several days afterward. That irrational anger at my animals when they really don't understand why is what makes me question if I would've been a good parent. I often think I would've stunk. (luckily my anger manifests itself mentally and vocally rather than physically.)
Stupid little nothings getting me down today.....Ok, just need to shut up and bury myself in work.
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