What a waste of talent!

Question of the day....have I wasted my God-given talent?

Here's the situation. From the time I was a very little kid, it was obvious that I had some musical talent. I had a lovely soprano boys voice and I was singing solos in church by the time I was 5. I had three older sisters who were in high school, and when they needed a little kid to play a part in the high school musical, it was usually me. I played the young son in the main family in Bye Bye Birdie, and although I don't remember details, I am told that I sang at least one solo, had a bunch of lines, and sang my individual part in a quartet (and that 2 of the other members of the quartet could barely handle their parts and would instead follow me)....and this was in 2nd grade. In third grade I donned blackface and played a young black kid in Finian's Rainbow. (we had no African Americans in our small town....and trust me, I didn't know there was anything wrong with it at the time.) They also had variety shows at the high school, but somehow I was always in them....once singing three songs from Oliver.

When I was old enough to play an instrument....I chose trumpet so that I could be like that gorgeous red-faced 1st chair trumpet player (named Roll Shepherd) that sat in front of my sister Monya in band. I couldn't take my eyes off him.....and this wasn't lust cause I was about 8....I wanted to BE him.

This was when my problem first reared it's head....as a singer everything came naturally to me. Now I suddenly had to learn something completely different, and commit to it. I played on a hand-me-down trumpet that my Dad played in high school, then two of my sisters played it. By the time I played it, there were holes in the lead pipe and it was on it's last legs. At the end of my 5th grade year (first full year of playing the horn) each student had to get up and play a brief solo in front of parents and friends, etc to show what they'd learned. I had really struggled and had procrastinated and not practiced, so I knew I wouldn't be good. I got up in front of what seemed like the whole world, couldn't get a note to come out of the horn, and ran down off the stage crying. I gave up band completely then and there. Luckily a very astute teacher knew my background and refused to let it happen. She convinced me that the problem was physical, that my lips were too big for trumpet, and I should try other instruments. When I asked what ones, she said perhaps French Horn (already had two sisters playing that one so I knew what it was) or Baritone. I had never heard of it, so she showed me one and I blew on it. Almost instantly I was 100 times better, so switched on the spot and kept playing it through college.

I guess I practiced some in middle school, but found I was ahead of most of the rest of the people and didn't need to practice much to play my parts in band well. By 7th grade I had a big solo in band.....guess I'd improved quickly from running off stage crying. In high school, my band director recognized that I had talent and put me in a small ensemble. Although I rarely ever practiced, I played a lot and got pretty good. I didn't have much to compare myself against, so I had no idea how good until I got 2nd chair in an all-state band. Still, I never took it seriously and didn't practice much.

In college, I expected to be way down the list of players, but found that I was the best euphonium player on campus as a freshman. This is not bragging...it's just how it was. There were only 3 other euphonium majors and they were mediocre. (But I went to Miami of Ohio, which was not known as a music school.) Now in college I tried to practice more....but next to other students, I just never put in the time.

Still, I was the best euphonium player and one of the top musicians in the school as a senior.....and this without really practicing much.

Somewhere along the way, I just never learned to commit to practicing, and got by on raw talent. It's still true today. In DCDD I've played several instruments, and some would claim that I pull it off quite well. But I know the truth. I get by because I learned to be a reasonably good musician over the years, but I've never truly been good on any one instrument because I'm constantly switching around, sometimes performing on more than one at a time.

It's come back to bite me this past year because for the last 10 years or so in band, I've been playing French Horn. This is not an instrument that you just pick up, usually. It's got to be one of the hardest instruments to play and certainly the hardest brass instrument, because its partials are so close together. I always say that it barely matters what valve you put down on horn because you can get any note to speak with almost any valves (rotors) down. So for 10 years, I got by again on raw musical ability.....and I almost never practiced it. Yet somehow I managed and was usually playing the first parts (helps that I'm musically fearless too.) For 10 years I've felt largely like I was faking it, successfully. This past year, suddenly I feel like I've lost it. I no longer am playing it well and everything I do sounds crappy to me. The only way to get over it is to practice....so since our last concert, the horn has sat in the bathroom waiting for a bath....and not even getting THAT much attention. I can't seem to face the horn to fight through it. Instead, I'm ready to switch instruments again.

Why is this? I seem to have been born without the practice gene or the committment gene. Practicing for me is torture. I like to PLAY, not practice. It's weird and I'm ashamed of it, but can't seem to change it, because it is who I am.

Many people probably believe that I've wasted the talent I was given. I'll never be well known (deservedly so) for playing. The main place that I play is a gay community band, for usually very small audiences. I've never achieved a high level of success on any one instrument.

I could be GOOD, damnit.

But the truth is....at least I was smart enough to know myself at a fairly early age. I knew my limits in high school, and even while I was considered one of the best in my college, I knew I was not achieving the level I could...and why. And I made a decision at some point that I was going to have music play an important role in my life, without it becoming my career.....and that was a very smart decision.

Music is my hobby and my passion. I love it and I love playing in groups. I wish I was more committed and wish I felt like I did more than get by. I'll always wonder what I might've achieved if I had been a little different than I am. But I don't sit around worrying about it (much), and I'm happy with the amount of it I have in my life.

Wasted my talent? No...I just used it in a different way than other people might've. Regrets? sure...but not many. I'm mostly happy with what I've done with music in my life. I'm proud of the little successes I've had, and proud to be a part of my little band, DCDD. That organization is much more than just a community band...it's the source of most of my friends, and most of my social life as well.