Sex

Sex.....such a fun thing to do....such a tough thing to talk about.

Ok for those of you THOUSANDS of Swoper's Ramblings followers who don't know...I'm gay. On the Kinsey scale, I'm a very strong 5. That means it's only men for me, and although the thought of touching a woman doesn't repulse me....it sure don't do anything for me either.

Now I think I realized I was gay for sure in high school when 'that phase' I'd read about being normal for teenage boys....the whole 'being atracted to other boys' thing.....didn't go away as I expected. It's sort of amazing that I turned out fairly 'normal' since my expert reading on being gay came from Everything youu ever Wanted to know about Sex but were afraid to ask. With a title like that, they obviously must know, so I acc! So the descriptions of being gay were completely disgusting and false, but were all I knew. I was very attracted to one of my best friends in high school, but never pursued it at all....his name was Tim Rice (no not THE Tim Rice.) He may well have been gay, but I was never sure. But sex didn't happen in high school in my circles. I was one of the 'smart kids'....we did no drugs or alcohol, didn't have sex with each other, and didn't even have boy or girlfriends, prayed together, etc...a group of about 10-15 of us. We had parties and hung out together. I wasn't out, nor was anyone else...it was not discussed.

In college, still a virgin, I started to realize I was already behind everyone else....suddenly sex was happening, just not to me. I was still not out, and at the end of my first year fell in love with my roommate for the coming year.....not good. I wasted about 2 years in love with him, hoping and praying it was mutual. I told him I was gay and he accepted it, then never discussed it again. Eventually I told him I was 'attracted' to him and he said 'fine' then ignored that too. Eventually I realized that he simply couldn't deal with it and elected to ignore that it existed....(and I'm still convinced that he was gay too. ) I was scarred by the incident....and scared to put myself out there again. I was starting to come out to some friends, but throughout 4 years of college, still was a virgin.

I tried to become gay after college....I wanted to meet someone, fall in love and live my life with them.....yet I was a fat, scared virgin.

So I was almost 30 years old before I had sex with anyone other than my right hand (we ALWAYS had a good relationship...and still do :). I'd given up on it happening and thought I had accepted being alone for the rest of my life. So naturally, I met Jim and George, had sex and have ever since. Problem is, they are IT for my partners....and really, George is it as Jim and I stopped having sex in the first year together.

When I split from Jim and George I went through an awkward time of not knowing what I wanted out of life.....George was ready to jump with me, and it was unexpected, so I wasn't ready for it. I'd already decided that I was ready to be alone, and possibly to finally go a bit crazy and have sex with a bunch of different people....'sew my wild oats' that I'd never had a chance (or nerve) to sew. So when I told George I was leaving, he almost immediately told me he was going too....and I said, hold on a sec, I'm not sure I want you to come. It was a confusing time, but the reason was really that I had never been at a point in my life where I was comfortable being gay (which I was by then) AND single at the same time. It was appealing to be single and go a bit crazy....then I find out that the one I wanted to be with all along, also wanted to be alone with me.

What to do...what to do....basically I told George I needed to think, then sat on it for about 3 weeks. We was patient as a saint. When we talked again, I explained to him about the whole 'wild oats' thing and he understood totally. So we went into this relationship with the understanding that it was an open relationship. If one of us wanted to have sex with someone else, they were allowed without having to be afraid that the other would find out and leave them.

So we've both been whoring around ever since!

Ok, not really. What I really needed from George, but didn't know at the time, was understanding and simply the knowledge that I COULD have sex with someone else without worrying about destroying what we have. So far neither of us have gone there....but we've sort of redefined the whole thing over the years.

George and I both understand that sex and love are two different things...often they go hand in hand, but not always. Love can make the sex better....love can also exist completely without sex and sex most definitely can exist with no love. I believe there are loads of happy couples who stopped having sex years before (plenty more frustrated ones too.) George and I talk about guys like any normal guy....that is to say, 95% of the time we are thinking about sex. We love to guy watch together and if one of us is looking and doesn't mention it....rather than the other one getting jealous about looking at someone else, that person gets annoyed because you were looking at someone else and not sharing!

We're also exploring adding others into our bedroom occasionally for fun. So far that's only happened once (and he's now in jail....another story for another time), but we want to keep it happening every once in awhile to add spice. It's VERY difficult to find people...lol. We have a manhunt profile which I re-wrote from George's.....the pics are all ones I took of him. We've been close to hooking up a few times but it always seems to fall apart. The problem is really me because I'm not comfortable with myself at all and am convinced that someone will take one good look and run screaming out the door. And if I'm not attracted to someone...I'm not going to be able to perform at all. So I'm picky about who we choose....George seems to be ready to hook up with almost anything that moves, but I keep saying no. (George would have sex 4 times a day given his preferences...lol.) I would be much more comfortable with someone I already know and feel comfortable with....but it's a tough subject to bring up.

Our sex life together is great too....so it's nice that we don't actually NEED this...we are doing it for fun, and to keep our sex life great. There are very few people who would actually understand this. I don't feel jealous when George has physical contact with someone else....I'm turned on by the thought. It doesn't mean I love him less or him me....it means there is an attraction, plain and simple. Having sex is physical fun. It's emotionally complicated, but it's still just sex.